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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 22/10/2023 11:40

Tell him clearly that the living arrangement isn’t working at the moment but give him clear instructions at how to resolve it, while also allowing him to care for his nephews. Eg no care during working hours, no last minute care when you have set plans that would have to be cancelled, a specific window of notice for childcare etc. Tell him if he can’t agree to those conditions you can’t see the relationship working. That way you’re meeting him in the middle but lessening the negative impact on you.

Goldbar · 22/10/2023 11:40

Why can't he babysit at their house? Why do they have to come to yours?

If they're in your house, I would be setting some really clear ground rules and if they/their parents/your DP don't like this, the boys can go elsewhere.

Gothambutnotahamster · 22/10/2023 11:41

Redburnett · 22/10/2023 11:31

It's unlikely to get better, just tell him very explicitly that you wanted a relationship with him, not someone else's children. He has a choice (but it is obvious what he will choose). You also have a choice: accept your DPs priorities or end the relationship.

This!

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 11:41

My DH was in a similar position when we first got together. It all changed when we got our first place together though. I didn't want us to be the on call babysitters and our place wasn't set up for kids. But one of the things I love about him is him being a family man (He's a brilliant husband and father) So what we did was offer to take the nephews out once a month. We'd take them to fun places, like bowling or the cinema etc. So, I would compromise and put that suggestion forward to your DP. It's nice for those boys to have a close relationship with their uncle and it says a lot about him that he's stepped up to the role. I get where you're coming from, but don't try to change his relationship with them. But do make it more convenient for you, obviously its a really bad set up at the moment.
If done well, you could actually end up enjoying being their auntie. I'm very close to DHs nephews and consider them my own.

Pugdays · 22/10/2023 11:41

Make your DP replace your iPad and bag ,and then move him the fuck out ...

TrashedSofa · 22/10/2023 11:41

DP is making it very clear who he is and what his priorities are. I wouldn't continue in a relationship with him if I weren't on board with that, because it's clearly not changing.

TripleDaisySummer · 22/10/2023 11:42

Why if he knew there was an important meeting and the DN can't behave themselves didn't he take them out to run round a field or something.

I think you have two problem lack of consideration from DP and very poorly behaved guests.

There are strategies for managing the poorly behaved guests have them out a lot and have firm boundaries and tell them off - it's not that uncommon for kids that age to behave for some people/places and not others - but that would require some cooperation from DP but given his lack of consideration for you I'm not sure you'll have that.

So talk to DP tell him how angry you are at the lack of respect shown to you by him and to you and your things by his DN - if that gets you no-where ask him to move out.

rubyjan · 22/10/2023 11:42

10 & 8 is old enough not to run around like lunatics and breaking iPads.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 22/10/2023 11:43

Those kids would be kids elsewhere but not in my house. Ever!

They are all taking the piss out of you.

icantchangetime · 22/10/2023 11:44

It's not about the nephews really, it's about how he views you and your needs. His expectation of you is to be mum. Do you want to be the new compliant matriarch in this shit show? No, didn't think so.

Move on

cansu · 22/10/2023 11:45

Have honestly never heard anything so ridiculous. If you can't get him to listen I would be dealing with it myself by phoning his sister and telling her they are behaving awfully pick them up. With the restaurant phone her back and say do forgot we ate out for dinner so not tonight.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 22/10/2023 11:47

MayThe4th · 22/10/2023 11:38

OP, if you don’t want to bin off your dp then I would take a different tack.

Tell his sister that while these children are in your house they will be subject to discipline. So that will mean time out for bad behaviour, removal of privileges, toys, television, snacks, and they will be summarily told off, shouted at even if they don’t behave.

If she doesn’t want her children subjected to discipline then she is free to take them elsewhere.

∆ This.
Your house, your rules. While they are in it they respect them or they don't get to come round again. You are allowed to tell them not to hammer on your door. Because it's your door. You ask your partner to reimburse you for the iPad if he expects you to give up your time and your home and have your work disrupted for his nephews.
You are allowed to tell his sister that her kids need to behave round your place if she expects you to drop all your plans for their sake.
If you are reluctant to do any of these things, consider why this is and if the problem is closer to home.

cansu · 22/10/2023 11:47

Just seen he has just moved in so he should probably move back out.

HiddenLegoOuch · 22/10/2023 11:47

Do not have children with him unless you want to be bad cop to his good cop always…

He can look after his nephews whenever he wants, as long as he does it at his sister’s house or (with her agreement) at Grandma’s house.

The best way for you to hide your belongings (which you should not have to do with kids, especially at those ages) is to not have the nephews in your house.

You are not to be disturbed whilst you are working.

Do not have kids with this man - he is giving you a first-hand example of how shitty a parent he will be. (Yes, this is a repeat of my first point, but ffs - that’s just not how you parent).

Littlelucas · 22/10/2023 11:49

Wow, what a humongous CF his sister is! She knows he’s basically spineless and is just shitting all over you both.

If he wont say anything I would have a word with her myself and tell her it is causing problems between you as a couple as he feels he can’t say no but you have had enough. But then I’m the kind of person who has no qualms calling out CF behaviour.

Youre DP would give me the ick being such a pushover tbh.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/10/2023 11:49

In a way it’s nice he’s close to his family, but he’s got his priorities all wrong. He should only offer childcare when it’s convenient to you both. He shouldn’t be changing your long standing plans or disrupting your work to look after them unless it’s an actual emergency, not just because his sister can’t be arsed to parent her own kids for an evening.

madness.

FictionalCharacter · 22/10/2023 11:51

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

It should be one day for HIM every 2 or 3 weeks then. Not both of you. He shouldn’t be dragging you into this. Having them hammering on the door while I was working would have been the last straw for me.

Cancelling your planned night out to look after them for no special reason was outrageous. My dh is a bit of a people pleaser but would never have agreed to that.

Good on you for going with a friend instead. Let him sulk.

wildwestpioneer · 22/10/2023 11:51

It's not even a case of putting you first, he needs to understand common courtesy.

Pay to get your iPad repaired and make sure his dn don't play with things that don't belong to them unless they ask

Don't agree to look after dn when you have plans

It's not acceptable for them to be barging in on you at work or banging on the door.

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2023 11:52

My eldest has my middle DD's children, similar aged, but a lot better behaved. Her and her DP usually take them out and then they are fine on iPads. However if her DP has plans then she doesn't force him to help out. Likewise I made it clear to my bf that I'm hands on with my GC and that wasn't going to change, again though he doesn't have to get involved in any way. It's him trying to rope you in, their behaviour and his lack of planning that's the issue.

pasturesgreen · 22/10/2023 11:52

As so often, you have a DP problem. He should put his foot down with his sister, otherwise the relationship has no future.

Good for you going out with a friend!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/10/2023 11:54

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

Their kids their problem I’m afraid. Sounds like their lazy parenting has turned them into terrors and let’s face it 8 and 10 year old boys are annoying at the best of times!! I wouldn’t want to be lumbered with them every other week!!

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2023 11:55

Should also add that this should have been discussed before he moved in.

squirrelsatarave · 22/10/2023 11:55

So in summary your DP decided it was more important for his sister and partner to go out for a nice meal than it was for you and him to do the same.

I think that shows where his priorities lie and sadly it’s not with you. This is also reflected in you having to pay for the damage to the iPad. He cares more about what his sister thinks of him than what you think of him.

I learned a long time ago not to set myself on fire to keep others warm and I think you could do with taking the same approach to this situation.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 11:55

I think the cancelling your plans for babysitting is appalling, but I think what’s way way worse is expecting you to also cancel and eat pizza with him instead. That’s shit. I’d end it.

BerriesNutsConkers · 22/10/2023 11:55

Why are you with dp?

He doesn't respect you or put you first?
Are you planning a future with kids?
Where do you see this relationship going?

You do not seem compatible.