To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

I think it sounds quite lovely. Just say "I'd rather lie down" than go for a walk, and don't give in to blackmail?

I have to disagree regarding Hotel Chocolat chocolates!

We were sent one of their £70 gift boxes from a supplier. Packaging is beautiful and I had high expectation, but apart from a couple of flavours, I wasn’t impressed! I’ll stick with my Quality Street and Bendick’s mint chocolates.

Both versions are the type of Christmas day i'd enjoy, one more than other depending on the year and circumstances.

If you're really not up to it, and all you want is a PJ Christmas, then just make an excuse and visit on another day. Make it your Christmas present to yourself. Better than dreading it, or sitting there having to put on a front for the whole day.

I'd love to experience a "formal" Christmas like your DIL throws! I'd like a bit of singing round the piano!

But I guess we're all different OP. But it's every other year, and for the sake of harmony, I'd just go along with it.

You sound like the invitee from hell.

You know they do not want you there, sneering, I hope? Poor DS

I think you’re being quite chippy about her Christmas, which presumably your son also enjoys.

But, I think people should have the Christmas they want, I do, and this year you should just say you’re going to be at home this year. You can FaceTime present opening with DGC and then do what you want the rest of the time. You’re not stopping them having their traditions, you’re just having your own instead. Then see if you miss it or if you want to carry on going there some years.

Have I missed you offering to host them some years? Would you? Do you think they’d accept or not?

It sounds like you’ve spent your whole life doing as you please and now it’s come as a culture shock that you have to slot into someone else’s traditions. Suck it up and be grateful or don’t go and save everyone else from your selfish misery.

This

You just sound miserable. The grandchildren are ruling Christmas in their own home? As opposed to bending to the wishes of the grandmother who barely wants to get involved?
Your DIL is right, of course she’s planning Christmas around her own children.
Interesting how you make barely any mention of your own son in all of this.

Well if you go to someone's house for Christmas, you have to do it 'their way' to a certain extent.

it's only ever other year, so I would try to suck it up.

I wouldn't stay as long if I were you though. Short stats are easier to handle and then you have more scope to do your own thing at home.

Your DGC is only two. In a couple of years she will be singing Smelly Bum Bum instead of Silent Night. A couple of years after that and she will want to show off her dance moves. And the it will be OH GOD Mum di we have to do this every year. So it would be nice of you to support your DIL to have one or two dream Christmases (and DO try not to laugh the first time DGC refuses to be dragged out for a walk - stay out of it!)

I can’t wait for the day my dc’s or future SIL/DIL puts on a lovely Christmas like this and i just have to show up.

I have a large family and host every year and it’s hard work.

It sounds a perfect day to me!

To be complaining about being offered Hotel Chocolat rather than Quality Street is a bizarre level of mean-spirited pettiness.

This is the thread but it's DiL not wanting to go to Mils.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/4903565-to-never-spend-christmas-day-with-mil-again-and-how-do-you-spend-christmas-day

Are they high earners OP? @NanaZoZo

Please do go and smile and enjoy what you can, while you can. Do it for them.
For whatever reason, they are trying to build traditions and memories.
It’s only a few hours.

Suck it up, it's only one day. Presumably you cannot believe that you're ds enjoys it because then it would reveal he didn't like your arrangement during his childhood.

You seem to find fault with everything. You didn't like Christmas in Australia, you don't like Christmas with DIL.

You talk about the decor not being tacky as if you have high standards ' yet say you want to slop in pyjamas.

You've an issue with the chocolates ffs. Just bring the ones you want if it's that much of an issue for you.

Your DS and SIL are having the Christmas they want and setting the traditions they want your their child. Why shouldn't they? If you don't like it, don't go. But if you do go, suck it up and enjoy it instead of finding fault with everything.

The number of grandparents who are spending Christmas alone! You are complaining about someone who goes to too much effort. I would count your blessings.

YANBU, OP, not at all.

I'm a bit of a grinch and am quite mystified by all the performative Christmassing that goes on.

MIL absolutely loves it. She takes all her children, partners and GCs out for a lunch in early December, then they all troop back to hers to do the tree and put up decorations. The youngest GC is now 21! Then you have 3 generations of family + partners on Christmas day, so about 18 people, all crammed into a small house to eat a Christmas meal that is, at best, mediocre. When you get up to go for a pee, you find you don't have anywhere to sit when you get back.

My late DP and I started to opt out every other year, and had a nice chilled day, just the two of us. It was such a relief not to have to dress up, do an 80 mile round trip, and go without booze for the whole day. One year, the oven packed up a few days before Christmas and I couldn't get a new one fitted till the new year, so we had chilli for Christmas lunch. DP pronounced this the best and most relaxing Christmas ever.

I’d say so; they live in London so probably doesn’t stretch as far as elsewhere but I’m pretty certain they are both close to or already making 6 figures each.

Suck it up, buttercup.

Take Quality Street, say you’re saving yourself for Christmas Day so you don’t want much from the Chinese, thank you, be ‘dressed up’ only as much as you’re comfortable with and go for a nap rather than a walk if you want to.

Honestly, you’ll have a lovely time with your DGD if you can just get over your opinions a bit. It sounds lovely to me!

I would say do them a favour and don't go but it sounds like your dh enjoys it so you would be spoiling it for him.
Maybe you need to have a think about why you are so miserable about what sounds like a day that your dil has put so much effort into.
Is it because you are jealous and feel guilty because as a police officer you weren't around and available to give your own kids a memorable Christmas?

Sorry OP but you do seem ungrateful.

You have a lovely DIL who wants to go all out and give you all a lovely Christmas Day once every two years.

You may find now she has her own chil and as they go she might relax a little more in to the day but if she did not get to have a normal family Christmas when young she has nothing to model it on and is doing her best attempt.

Another vote for suck it up and have a little more empathy.

Oh give over, I hate Christmas Day and all the palaver but it's not all about me so I suck it up and join in with enthusiasm. It's one fucking day every second year, and your whining about your grandchildren ruling Xmas last year makes it easy to imagine you are an absolute pain in the hole generally