To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

Let’s be honest, most of us don’t get our ideal Christmas. I’ve been the one to host now for fifteen years as my SIl and BIL can’t cook / won’t cook ( they live on fish fingers and oven chips) and otherwise my MIL wouldn’t get a Christmas dinner as she’s too old to host. My nephew is autistic so dinner is always planned around his needs, so often curtailed and he doesn’t join in with games.

i would love me husband and kids to run away to a hotel one year but I know it’s unfair on MIL and Christmas is about family. My own parents have died so my family isn’t in the mix any more.

Everyone seems to have a lovely time though so I keep doing it. I would absolutely do it differently with choice.

Who says you can't bring a box of quality street?

I imagine they would be frowned upon as being common and not matching the decor.

How wonderful to be hosted every year! Sounds lovely. You have the whole of the festive season to do ‘pyjama days’ on your own.

I thought this too. Like, why "luckily"..,.
It's such a strange concern.
And what is the problem with having Christmas dinner at 2pm.

OP, you come across as a bit jealous and resentful of the effort you DIL is making. There's an air from your OP that, as you didn't go to anywhere near the same effort when your children were little, that everyone else should do the same.

Your DS probably isn't just "indulging" it - he's probably just as into it as she is. When you think about it, "indulging" is actually quite a mean-spirited way of looking at your DS's involvement in his family's Christmas.

I feel quite sorry for your DIL, to be including you in their amazing Christmas, and she's being almost sneered at behind her back.

*I mean what a bitch, decorating, entertaining, feeding and starting traditions for her child.

Get over yourself🙄*

This! You sound miserable and ungrateful - all you have to do is turn up!

Exactly this

OP

If I were you, I'd print off the replies so that you have them to think over them. Then ask for this thread to be deleted. It's the type of thread to end up in the daily mail.

Your London-based, with in laws in the north, former professional musician, Australian connection, no parents, alternate Christmas DIL is going to recognise herself.

Then you'll get the gift of never spending Christmas there ever again.

I’d be thrilled if one of my son’s had a Christmas like that that I was invited to! Of course you can say you don’t want to go it’s up to you, but don’t expect it now to have consequences.

So you get a day in your pyjamas anyway, someone does a tremendous amount of work to host, and you see your granddaughter on Christmas Day, but you don’t enjoy it because of some carols and a walk?

In any case with small children days quite often need to be timetabled for meals, snacks, naps, to avoid crying from hunger or tiredness. For me that goes double for something like Christmas, where you also need to fit in presents and a fancier meal than usual, plus manage all the excited overwhelm. Timetabling is to make DS and DDIL’s day easier, not yours harder.

Suck it up, she wants the best for your grandchildren. As for the walk/the Chinese, take some food down and say you’re off Chinese for a bit and just say you’re too tired for a walk.

She goes to Australia to spend it with her other child so doesn't see them that year. I don't think anyone has Christmas at OPs anymore. They used to. So it's every two years.

PP suggested you have Christmas by yourself every three years. That might work if you don't mind missing all the GCs that year.

Do you prefer Quality Streets? Take a box. I think Hotel Chocolat is much nicer, and I always buy F&M chocolate mints at Christmas because they're lovely and it's nice to feel like we have something a bit special once a year. And they are vastly nicer than Quality Streets or Roses by a mile. You seem to really disapprove of the spending, but all things are not interchangeable. If she's buying the things she likes, what is it to you if they're more expensive?

You could always buy DGC a little keyboard for Christmas so that she can play alongside Mummy for an hour! 😆

So tell your DS that you don't enjoy it and be relieved to never be invited for Xmas again
You can do to Aus alt years and your DIL will be clear on how ridiculous you find her.

Sick it up. She clearly goes to a lot of effort. Ok it's not to your taste but it's one day. You get to sit back while someone else makes all the effort.
You can sit around in pyjamas any other day during the Christmas week.

That's nasty!

Perhaps you should just take some Op.

Or ask your son to get some in-do they know that you'd prefer these to what they have?

This isn’t about your DIL and her ‘overcompensating’ is it? It’s about not having it your way for a few days every two years.

OP, I'm sorry you really don't come out well in this but at least I admire your honesty. I hope to God nobody in my family feels like you.
I am like your DIL and also had an awful, cruel, emotionally deprived childhood with Christmases I'd rather forget.
Fast forward 60 years and now I'm the Mum and Granny of 5DD's and 5DGC and host a similar Christmas to the one you describe - perhaps with a few more bells on.
My lot LOVE it and wouldn't miss it for the world. [I hope.] They travel from all over the country to be here for what is now a massive family reunion.
Sorting Christmas is my winter hobby. I start in August as I want to enjoy it too and don't want to arrive at the season stressed out. I do stockings for everyone curated to their personalities, presents under the tree, games, little family competitions and quizzes all with prizes etc. Meal plans, multiple food orders, outings - I organise it all and love doing it.. We have a great time and it's one of the highlights of our year as a family.
To be honest, I'd hate to think that anyone we were hosting wasn''t enjoying themselves but I do think you're being very selfish and as others have pointed out you have all the other days of the year to slob out in P.J.'s and please yourself. Don't go if you don't want to but what about your D.H. how does he feel? People pleaser or not - does he want to go? I think please yourself but in your DS and DDIL's shoes I'd be quite hurt that Granny and Grandad weren't there to witness DGD''s joy and wonderment. At 4 this will be one of the best years for Father Christmas and I'm surprised by your attitude fot that reason alone. Whatever you decide - Happy Christmas!

If this was DiL talkimg about not wanting to go to MiLs regimented chistmas this year the replies would be very different.
Also a hour of piano singing would have me wondering "is this real life?" Each to their own though.
Enjoy your christmas whatever you decide to do OP.

Just pretend you've got ankle pain or some other innocuous ailment to get out of the walk.

I think Christmas Day ends up being a bit regimented because it revolves around the meal timings.

I’m as relaxed as the next person, but guests who don’t feel like breakfast, want to go to the earlier church service or pop off to visit someone and don’t get back by the time you planned to plate up are really difficult on Christmas Day.

If the day runs to my timings, I get to sit and play with the dc, get a shower, and relax and enjoy the day. I’ve learned that it’s important to stand firm when hosting Christmas Day.

It’s not about being regimented - it’s practicality. I’ll happily accomodate guests whims any other day of the year.

Your DIL can of course make the Christmas she wants.

I don't see any reason why you have to go or why you should "suck it up" if you won't enjoy it.

In your situation I'd be staying at home.

God I wish they had quality streets it’s always the stupidly expensive hotel chocolat chocolates they offer!!
Once Christmas Day is over DIL is very relaxed about it (frankly they make far too much food so there are always large amounts of left overs). It’s just that one day of living in a Hallmark movie that gets me.

Oh my god. The chocolates now?! Bring your own quality street.

Living in a Hallmark movie for one day. Why the hell not? The world is pretty crap at the moment.

If you hate it that much just pretend you're ill and enjoy your Christmas Day at home.

Hmm, unless you've changed some details I'd say your post is pretty identifying so you may have just solved your own problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

no one needs an hour of Christmas carols Really? I will be getting together with friends to play Christmas carols for a couple of hours at least twice in December.