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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

611 replies

NanaZoZo · 22/10/2023 09:38

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 22/10/2023 11:05

I think it sounds lovely! It’s just one day, your life generally must be more relaxed than that of parents juggling work and young children so surely you can suck it up? I mean, it’s a Chinese takeaway on Christmas Eve- don’t get Chinese for a few months beforehand so you’re looking forward to it. It’s a walk, they aren’t asking you all to scale a mountain. I mean, you’ve grumped about Christmas in australia, you’ve grumped about hotel chocolat… book yourself and Dh a fake non Christmas a week later where you sleep in, mix an eggnog and throw your unwrapped presents at each other, heat an m&s precooked roast and afterwards tell each other you don’t want to go for a walk so there!

I have Christmas china and I LOVE it.

ilovesooty · 22/10/2023 11:06

Cadenza12 · 22/10/2023 11:02

The number of grandparents who are spending Christmas alone! You are complaining about someone who goes to too much effort. I would count your blessings.

It's not a blessing if she isn't going to enjoy it.

TheKeatingFive · 22/10/2023 11:07

Oh and bring the quality street if you want it. Nothing wrong with that. Just give a tinkly laugh if anyone says anything negative (but I'm sure they won't)

Seaside3 · 22/10/2023 11:07

What a miserable sour puss you are.

I genuinely feel sad for you and your family of you can't enjoy yourself when your dil has made such an effort.

Blueberrycreampie · 22/10/2023 11:07

Do you drink? I can remember being in a lovely hotel in Wales where we sang some carols and drama mulled wine on Christmas Eve! Bring a bottle of mulled wine - it'll help you get through the carols and in the mood for the rest of the day. Even better make your own!

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 22/10/2023 11:07

I do understand where you are coming from, I also much prefer a relaxed Christmas and would find a stuffy formal day that is all timetabled out a bit stifling (and being expected to listen to the piano playing and singing is my idea of hell).

But it is only every other year, so I would either suck it up for the sake of my family (or maybe start going every few years instead if you really can't)

FaythML · 22/10/2023 11:07

And your DIL and DS invite you. Have a read of the many posts on here where the MIL isn’t invited or is unwanted.

Christmas is one of those times when ‘you can’t please everyone, all of the time’. Go with it - in fact, please can I come, it would save my Christmas being full of cooking for others! 😉
Add message

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/10/2023 11:07

Just drink plenty of booze Op - that will help

LittleMonks11 · 22/10/2023 11:07

Pretty sure OP's laugh doesn't tinkle 🤣

1983Louise · 22/10/2023 11:08

I'd definitely go, so many people have either no family or are estranged from them so Christmas is a difficult time for them. She's coming from a good place, I was the same with my family, not on such a grand scale tho.

WeCanCallItEven · 22/10/2023 11:08

So if they're high earners, OP, what's it to you what they spend their money on? Christmas is obviously worth it to them.

hellohellothere · 22/10/2023 11:08

Seaside3 · 22/10/2023 11:07

What a miserable sour puss you are.

I genuinely feel sad for you and your family of you can't enjoy yourself when your dil has made such an effort.

Yes I feel like it's a lot of moaning about nothing

chattyness · 22/10/2023 11:09

It sounds like a really fab day to me, can I go in your place ? I get it though if you don't like it, you don't like it, and you should be able to spend the day the want you want to, so do that one year and see if you miss it.

Whatsgoingon12345 · 22/10/2023 11:10

Hmm. If you don’t go….how will you deal with the bad feelings and resentment and mis communication that can escalates so that by next year they don’t invite you, or the day is ruined because of your behavior this year. You won’t be enjoying sitting in your pjs without the option to see your grandchild.
they put a lot of effort in, and yes, really think, what do you enjoy about it and focus on that.
as a side, this year my mum died, my DD has gone no contact because I am an awful transphobe, my in-laws are too I’ll. So yes, posh chics sounds bloody great.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/10/2023 11:10

lemmein · 22/10/2023 10:52

Hmm, unless you've changed some details I'd say your post is pretty identifying so you may have just solved your own problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah, this. This is perfect tabloid fodder.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/10/2023 11:11

Now your children have left home, you and your husband have plenty of time to put your pyjamas on and sit on the sofa.

You know the part of your DIL's fantasy Christmas that you missed out? The bit where she's surrounded by people she loves. That's what she wants a million times more than F&M hampers.

Your son sounds as though he really enjoys her version of Christmas, too. It's difficult at Christmas for children whose parents have separated - they learn to be diplomats at a very young age.

Why not show your love for your son and DIL by really joining in on the Christmas period? That's all they are wanting, really - a happy family. You don't seem to get that.

Coffeerum · 22/10/2023 11:12

@LakieLady She takes all her children, partners and GCs out for a lunch in early December, then they all troop back to hers to do the tree and put up decorations.

Yeah total bitch.

Seaside3 · 22/10/2023 11:12

Imagine not being able to think about someone else's happiness for 1 day every other year.

TwoBoyMamma · 22/10/2023 11:12

She does sound full on but also like she can’t win cause if she wasn’t interested and didn’t make an effort she’d get slated 🤷🏽‍♀️

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 22/10/2023 11:13

GreyTS · Today 11:04

Oh give over, I hate Christmas Day and all the palaver but it's not all about me so I suck it up and join in with enthusiasm. It's one fucking day every second year, and your whining about your grandchildren ruling Xmas last year makes it easy to imagine you are an absolute pain in the hole generally

Wow, you're entitled to your opinion but you're not entitled to be this rude!

Coffeerum · 22/10/2023 11:14

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 22/10/2023 11:13

GreyTS · Today 11:04

Oh give over, I hate Christmas Day and all the palaver but it's not all about me so I suck it up and join in with enthusiasm. It's one fucking day every second year, and your whining about your grandchildren ruling Xmas last year makes it easy to imagine you are an absolute pain in the hole generally

Wow, you're entitled to your opinion but you're not entitled to be this rude!

It’s not an untrue comment.

Moaning about Christmas Day focusing on children in their own home is pretty much as mean and miserable as you can get.

Velvian · 22/10/2023 11:16

I'm with you @NanaZoZo with the formal clothes and the piano. Could you get yourself something really comfortable that can be jazzed up with a long necklace or scarf. Like some black wide leg jersey trousers and a black v neck jersey top.

You could develop a sore leg or a back twinge that requires you to sit on the sofa for the Christmas carols. I imagine the hour long thing will fizzle out now that your GD is getting older. I can't imagine a small child tolerating it.

mydogisthebest · 22/10/2023 11:17

I think it sound lovely. I would love an hour of Christmas carol singing.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/10/2023 11:18

VivX · 22/10/2023 10:59

To be complaining about being offered Hotel Chocolat rather than Quality Street is a bizarre level of mean-spirited pettiness.

Show quote history

Don’t forget that they make far too much food and have plenty of leftovers for everyone to enjoy, the festive cunts.

Aquestioningmind · 22/10/2023 11:18

I would focus on the fact that she had a crap childhood and is clearly over compensation for your grandchildren. She wants them to have good memories.

Focus on the memories that this is giving your grandchild and less about how you feel.

Christmas isn’t about you; it’s about the people you love being happy.