To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

She doesn't have to dress up. She can do as she likes. But I judge it to be grotty.

I'm someone who lives in pyjamas at home. Changing into my pyjamas is pretty much the first thing I do when I get home in the evening, and at weekends I will frequently put jeans on whenever I need to go out but otherwise spend the rest of the day with my pyjama bottoms on.

But to me there's something a bit odd about having a roast dinner with table decorations and crackers and nice wine, in your pyjamas. I think I'd feel weird about that even if we were just spending the day alone as the four of us with no grandparents or anything.

I understand it more if you want to eschew all the traditional trappings of Christmas and just have a takeaway. But I think I would still at least want to have a shower.

Surely if Christmas is so wonderful you don't do things you're not particularly in to under some kind of sufferance just because other family members want to do them? If so, what a money pit and waste of time it seems to be.

If the OP wants to stay at home why shouldn't she? If her DIL does different things let her get on with it.

I think there is a pretty big difference between wearing pj's and "dressing up". No one needs to dress up but to dress nicely is not difficult. Pretty sure she is not being expected to wear a ballgown

@ilovesooty

dont need to dress up if you don’t want. But don’t wear the same grubby pj’s you worn to bed

Oh I agree there's a middle ground.

However if she doesn't want to leave her house and travel miles to fit in with someone else's regimented Christmas I don't see why she should be expected to.

I wouldn't want to spend all day without changing out of my nightwear either but I don't judge what others do in their own houses.

As I said I wouldn't want to but it's not my business what others do within their own four walls.

I don’t think it’s my “business”

but I reserve the right to have a view on it

OP has two choices.
(1) she doesn't have to eat the takeaway if she doesn't want it; doesn't have to eat posh chocolate and can eat quality street; she doesn't have to go on a walk; she DOES have to get dressed, and she has to sing carols for one hour on Christmas day:
DIL is happy, her son is happy, OP's husband is happy, bond with grandchildren.

Or

(2) sit at her home in PJs:
DIL hurt, son hurt, distance from son's family; OPs husband seems to prefer the active Christmas.

So really, because of not wanting to sing Christmas carols on Christmas day, and being asked to put on clothes while a guest in someone's house, OP is willing to cause a rift.

I think sitting around in pjs is slovenly too.
Those who do it usually defend themselves by saying they shower and do their hair and put on fresh pjs. Yeah, sure you do!

We can't know whether those people will be hurt or not. In any case I don't see why their possible feelings are more important than those of the OP.

If it’s not your idea of fun it’d be better not to go. I’d be astonished if your DIL hasn’t picked up on your disapproval.

To be fair to OP. There’s a difference between someone throwing an amazing Christmas with lovely food and traditions because they love it and are just naturally like that (which I would like) and someone trying to create a Perfect Christmas and being a bit controlling about making everyone play their part and have forced fun. Which I would struggle with. In my experience, the former would involve guests only taking part in what they feel like and being made to feel at home and allowed to relax. The latter is based on insecurity and wanting to make everything perfect and the Best Christmas Ever for the sake of it, and roping guests in - and that is harder to deal with, for me at least.

I still think OP should suck it up and try to support and understand her DIL. But I also think DIL would be happier if she could let go a bit and realise that actually having a lovely Christmas doesn’t mean everything has to be perfect and tightly controlled. It’s not necessarily about posh chocolates in themselves (etc).

To what extent does this stem from a fear that DS prefers DIL's Christmases to yours OP?

Lots of adults who grew up in separated families do say that they didn't enjoy being shuttled between houses on Christmas Day to suit the adults. But that doesn't mean that your DS thinks like this or that he doesn't think you did your best. I think you need to work out what it is you resent and discuss it with DS. I'm fairly certain that it's whatever this has triggered in you that needs working through.

And FWIW DIL will probably calm down after hosting a few Christmases. I was guilty of wanting "the perfectest" Christmas ever when my DC were small. Now I'd rather eat cheese & watch tv.

What about her husband? And her son?

It's all very well to say the OP should just do whatever she wants to do, but her decisions have an impact on others.

Christmas Day is a big deal for a lot of people. For many people, it is important to spend that day with their families and do something to celebrate. For many people, sitting at home in your pyjamas eating Quality Street and watching TV would be fine on 27th December when you're all Christmased out, but doing that on the 25th would feel sad. Maybe her husband is one of those people. Maybe her son would be upset if he didn't get to spend Christmas with his mum anymore.

Her son and DIL and GD could travel to her for Christmas, of course, but it doesn't sound like the OP would be any more into making it into a celebration if it took place at her house.

Given that it's just one day but it is one day which is important to a lot of people, I think if it's important for your loved ones but you don't really give a shit, you should probably just suck it up on that day and then go back to doing whatever it is you prefer doing the other 364 days per year. Or at least, the 52 weekends and other 7 bank holidays in a year, if you work.

And it's only every other year.

My suggestion is to let DS's dad have all the Christmases, and OP can come just before New Year's. Those days don't have associated traditions , so less pressure to provide A Perfect Day.

She lives with her husband so I concede that might impact on whatever she decides. She doesn't live with her son and has no obligation to make a decision based on what he might want. It's not even a given that he'd be hurt if she didn't go and even if he is, his reaction is his responsibility.

Bit shit for the OP's husband though, if he enjoys the big traditional Christmas every other year. It's only his stepson, stepDIL and stepGC, so he can hardly say, "OP wants to stay at home and eat Quality Street in her pyjamas but can I still come?"

They're not his relatives. How many times are we told on here that a husband's first loyalty is to his wife and her needs?

Well, according to PP 'no one is under any obligation to take into account the feelings of others when making a decision.' ...

But a wife's first loyalty is to herself and her own needs?

Not that I'm sure I would classify a Christmas Day free from carols, Hotel Chocolat or clothes as a "need".

I can't see anything in the OP's posts to suggest that her husband actively enjoys this - he seems to go along with it.

In any case, in the words of Miss Jean Brodie "For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like". I don't see why the OP has to attend it, like it or suck it up.

Of course, the OP doesn't have to go. She's a grown woman, she can simply stay at home. However I've never understood this attitude that people should only ever do what they want and not consider others. Of course it's not good to be a pushover and many times you do have to put yourself first. But to always just do what you want? I'm not sure about that.
We do things for other people out of love. I didn't want to stand in the rain and watch my son play football this weekend but I did it because I love him. When my nan was alive I didn't enjoy endless games of Scrabble or watching game shows with her for hours on end. I could have thought "Sod it, why should I waste my Saturday afternoon playing scrabble and watching game shows. Boring! I'll do what I want." but I loved my gran and my visits meant so much to her. She'd count the days.
We don't know how OP's husband, son, DIL and granddaughter might feel if she doesn't go. Maybe they will be sad.
I also don't understand this treating Christmas as if it's one day only. It's a festive period and there's plenty of time to do whatever you want (slob about in Pj's eating chocolate) and there's also time to see family.

Every choice has a consequence. The consequence here would be a comfy Christmas but a fractured relationship.

Cost/benefit