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Original poster

To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

611 replies

NanaZoZo · 22/10/2023 09:38

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 11:16

We don't know it would be a fractured relationship. We don't know whether they're keen to have the OP there or not.

And if you do things for your family such as you mentioned @SallyWD presumably you get something out of it. People rarely perform acts for others without getting emotional payback for themselves. It doesn't sound as though the OP would be getting much from going to this Christmas.

MargotBamborough · 23/10/2023 11:21

ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 11:16

We don't know it would be a fractured relationship. We don't know whether they're keen to have the OP there or not.

And if you do things for your family such as you mentioned @SallyWD presumably you get something out of it. People rarely perform acts for others without getting emotional payback for themselves. It doesn't sound as though the OP would be getting much from going to this Christmas.

This is such a sad outlook.

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 11:24

@ilovesooty id love to know more about your family circumstances to explain your views on family

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 11:38

Imagine being the sort of person who doesn't want to see their child or grandchildren on Christmas because the food is too nice, too expensive, there are too many left overs, it is served on festive plates, there are too many decorations and the meal that someone else is cooking is at a time that suits them!

JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 11:40

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 11:38

Imagine being the sort of person who doesn't want to see their child or grandchildren on Christmas because the food is too nice, too expensive, there are too many left overs, it is served on festive plates, there are too many decorations and the meal that someone else is cooking is at a time that suits them!

I know. It is so bizarre that I actually wonder if the OP is on the wind up.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 23/10/2023 11:46

ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 10:12

In your opinion. If the OP wants to it's not for others to judge. If people want to dress up, fine. Why should she have to go if it's not what she wants to do?

Show quote history

It is for others to judge if they have to put up with her dirty slobby behaviour.

It's slovenly and inconsiderate to sit around in the clothes you slept in. Presumably, if she can't be bothered to get dressed, she probably won't have washed either. It's disgusting behaviour, particularly from a guest in someone else's home.

Even if she doesn't want to dress up, it would be good manners to wash and change into clean day clothes.

ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 11:52

SerenChocolateMuncher · 23/10/2023 11:46

It is for others to judge if they have to put up with her dirty slobby behaviour.

It's slovenly and inconsiderate to sit around in the clothes you slept in. Presumably, if she can't be bothered to get dressed, she probably won't have washed either. It's disgusting behaviour, particularly from a guest in someone else's home.

Even if she doesn't want to dress up, it would be good manners to wash and change into clean day clothes.

Show quote history

I wouldn't want to do it in my own house and of course it's rude in the houses of others

Theeyeballsinthesky · 23/10/2023 11:53

I think the OP would very much like people to feel that her DS & DH only go along with this to please DIL especially with the comments about them standing like a hawk over DIL when she’s playing the piano

OP as has been said many times, just don’t go if you find it all so awful but equally don’t be surprised if it causes a bit of damage to the relationship

it’s entirely up to you

Puffypuffin · 23/10/2023 12:00

I think for 1 day every two years, you could do it for someone who had a crap childhood. You had your perfect Christmas for 25 years, maybe let her have hers. She's trying to do something nice for her family, including you and although it may not be the way you would want it, I'd do it for my son, DIL and DGD. Up to you of course.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/10/2023 12:03

Oooo gorgeous @LylaLee where can I get them? Would love a set in deep green!

To hate spending Christmas with my DIL
LylaLee · 23/10/2023 12:10

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/10/2023 12:03

Oooo gorgeous @LylaLee where can I get them? Would love a set in deep green!

Yes, they had green ones. It was Etsy. I searched 'velvet pyjamas' on Google.

www.etsy.com/uk/listing/955703572/velvet-pajama-set-with-long-sleeve-and?gpla=1&gao=1&

But the green ones have piping and look more pyjama-like

MakeupTable · 23/10/2023 12:41

I always host both my parents and my inlaws, and in my head I have an itinerary - which although does not include a piano session - does include a walk. This is primarily to escape the four walls and to allow everyone to breathe.

Personally I would love for parents, inlaws to take themselves off to their rooms for an hour to nap/read etc but wouldn’t suggest it for fear of being rude. I am also usually the one to suggest bedtime as inlaws in particular would sit up until all hours.

Why don’t you take quality street and bits that you like for your room? This surely won’t offend. Also lots of comfortable sequin T-shirt tops/dresses in fashion. Would they not suit the occasion?

PS I invite both sets because I don’t want my children to have a divided family set up like mine. I would happily it just be ‘us’ but trying to do the right thing by everyone.

BIossomtoes · 23/10/2023 12:55

Do you have them all standing by their beds before breakfast too @MakeupTable? I’m astonished any of them have come more than once. I wouldn’t.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 23/10/2023 13:37

@NanaZoZo

How would you like Christmas to go? If you were able to have it all to your preference, how would that look?

RedCoatSearch · 23/10/2023 13:40

OP I was the DIL in this case (minus the ability to play an instrument or sing). My dh grew up in a poor, fractured, difficult home. His mum made zero effort for Christmas as it as all too much bother for her an despite the many, many shortcomings of his upbringing, she still managed to consider herself superior to most other people and looked down on anyone celebrating birthdays or Christmas etc.

Dh's first actual Christmas was with me. My family liked to make a bit of a fuss and growing up Christmas was a big, busy, fun event. His family are English and mine are Irish and there were definitely some cultural differences at play.

Anyway it was a bit if a revelation to dh and he loved our Christmases and so when we got our own house and had dc we adopted my traditions, at his request.

It was really important to him that our dc got to have a 'proper christmas' as he describes it.

We decided when first dc was born that we would spend Christmas day at home so dc could build memories and traditions. Dh had none of this when he was growing up.

We host every year, any of our immediate family who would like to come, and over the years it's ranged from 24 to 5 and that's fine.

Dh's mum came in the early years but she was so obviously judgemental of our 'ostentatious' celebrations that it was really uncomfortable.

We have a tree that dh bought on Christmas Eve the first year we moved into our house. It was a very expensive fake from an expensive department store and he waited till they were closing for the day and managed to convince the manager to sell him the shop display on for the sale price and we lOVE that tree.

We've bought beautiful decorations over the years and christmas tablewear.

We cook a beautiful meal, and buy nice food from various specialist shops.

MIL has stopped coming, preferring to stay with SIL and they spend the day in pj's and make minimal effort. It's what she wants, the invitation is there always.

Dh feels incredibly hurt about it and dc, when younger, would ask why she wasn't there. They don't ask anymore.

She has missed out on so much, but it is and always has been her choice. She has 100% indicated that she thinks I make too much fuss, that I am acting like 'Hyacinth Bucket' etc and that I'm the one driving this. She cannot see that I do a lot of this because dh loves it and it makes him so happy and now our almost grown up dc have had a childhood filled with lovely Christmas memories, spent celebrating with family, apart from MIL and SIL.

Dh is hurt by it and he is more distant from them as a result. I tolerate her for dh & dc sake but deep down I judge her for being incredibly selfish, just has she had judges me for being hospitable

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 23/10/2023 14:09

Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 09:49

@WomanStanleyWoman2 You say the main reason to go is to spend time with your granddaughter. Can’t you make the day mainly about her?

Given OP's gripe about spending Christmas with her other child is about how the day revolve around the grandkids somehow I don't think this is a solution that would sit well with her!

Was it a “gripe”, though? She was just describing the kind of Christmas she’d had last year. When there are three kids in the house at Christmas, of course they rule the day! It’s a fact and doesn’t mean OP was unhappy about it.

Given that she mentions in the same post that the reason she would like to go is her granddaughter, it’s not that great a leap to think she’d want to spend time playing with her.

Mrsgreen100 · 23/10/2023 14:23

Sounds fantastic, a good old fashioned Christmas, apart from the Chinese bit,
just suck it up , and enjoy it
if she’s to host, you have to let her do it her way
cant help thinking there’s some other stuff around this that would be good to deal with prior
nothing worse than doing all that work , for the hostess and having a sulky grinch in their home

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 14:38

RedCoatSearch · 23/10/2023 13:40

OP I was the DIL in this case (minus the ability to play an instrument or sing). My dh grew up in a poor, fractured, difficult home. His mum made zero effort for Christmas as it as all too much bother for her an despite the many, many shortcomings of his upbringing, she still managed to consider herself superior to most other people and looked down on anyone celebrating birthdays or Christmas etc.

Dh's first actual Christmas was with me. My family liked to make a bit of a fuss and growing up Christmas was a big, busy, fun event. His family are English and mine are Irish and there were definitely some cultural differences at play.

Anyway it was a bit if a revelation to dh and he loved our Christmases and so when we got our own house and had dc we adopted my traditions, at his request.

It was really important to him that our dc got to have a 'proper christmas' as he describes it.

We decided when first dc was born that we would spend Christmas day at home so dc could build memories and traditions. Dh had none of this when he was growing up.

We host every year, any of our immediate family who would like to come, and over the years it's ranged from 24 to 5 and that's fine.

Dh's mum came in the early years but she was so obviously judgemental of our 'ostentatious' celebrations that it was really uncomfortable.

We have a tree that dh bought on Christmas Eve the first year we moved into our house. It was a very expensive fake from an expensive department store and he waited till they were closing for the day and managed to convince the manager to sell him the shop display on for the sale price and we lOVE that tree.

We've bought beautiful decorations over the years and christmas tablewear.

We cook a beautiful meal, and buy nice food from various specialist shops.

MIL has stopped coming, preferring to stay with SIL and they spend the day in pj's and make minimal effort. It's what she wants, the invitation is there always.

Dh feels incredibly hurt about it and dc, when younger, would ask why she wasn't there. They don't ask anymore.

She has missed out on so much, but it is and always has been her choice. She has 100% indicated that she thinks I make too much fuss, that I am acting like 'Hyacinth Bucket' etc and that I'm the one driving this. She cannot see that I do a lot of this because dh loves it and it makes him so happy and now our almost grown up dc have had a childhood filled with lovely Christmas memories, spent celebrating with family, apart from MIL and SIL.

Dh is hurt by it and he is more distant from them as a result. I tolerate her for dh & dc sake but deep down I judge her for being incredibly selfish, just has she had judges me for being hospitable

There's the ghost of Christmas Future come to visit you, OP.

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 14:42

Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware

What does it matter to you how they choose to decorate their house or what they spend on their tableware, though? Why are you bothered about them buying expensive food? All you have to do is turn up and eat it. In what way is eating a Harrod's Christmas pudding more difficult or stressful for you than eating a Tesco one? How is your Christmas meal made less enjoyable by the plate having a picture of some holly on it?

As for the time of the meal being non-negotiable, what would you expect? You're the guest, so you don't get to choose what time they serve you your meal. They're the ones hosting and cooking so it's up to them to decide when they want to serve dinner, and what's wrong with 2pm? That's a really normal time to eat a roast dinner. If you're cooking a roast (whether it's Christmas dinner or not) you can't really be spontaneous about it - you do have to have an idea of what time you're going to eat it because you need to know when to put the meat in the oven. You can't start cooking it and then just have people 'negotiate' a different time to serve it.

If you want to have Christmas your way, don't go to someone else's house. It's your choice. If you want to see your DGD at your son and DIL's house on Christmas Day, then obviously you have to fit in with their (actually perfectly reasonable) plans. If you prefer to mooch around at home in your PJs (also perfectly reasonable) then by all means do that instead. What you can't expect is to have things both ways - you need to choose whether you'd rather see them on Christmas Day and deal with the fact that you can't wear your pyjamas and choose your own meal times, or whether you'd rather have the chilled-out Christmas you enjoy and deal with the fact that you won't see your DGD until Boxing Day.

gamerchick · 23/10/2023 14:52

SerenChocolateMuncher · 23/10/2023 11:46

It is for others to judge if they have to put up with her dirty slobby behaviour.

It's slovenly and inconsiderate to sit around in the clothes you slept in. Presumably, if she can't be bothered to get dressed, she probably won't have washed either. It's disgusting behaviour, particularly from a guest in someone else's home.

Even if she doesn't want to dress up, it would be good manners to wash and change into clean day clothes.

Show quote history

Don't be ridiculous. Christmas day is shower and new comfy PJ's and an oodie. It's Christmas day. Who tf wants to get dressed up?

Christmas day is all about the comfort and warmth with fluffy slipper and a bucks fizz for breakfast.

Judging people if they do Christmas differently to you is a new level of a word I can't put my finger on.

MargotBamborough · 23/10/2023 14:54

gamerchick · 23/10/2023 14:52

Don't be ridiculous. Christmas day is shower and new comfy PJ's and an oodie. It's Christmas day. Who tf wants to get dressed up?

Christmas day is all about the comfort and warmth with fluffy slipper and a bucks fizz for breakfast.

Judging people if they do Christmas differently to you is a new level of a word I can't put my finger on.

Show quote history

Unless the doing Christmas differently involves dressing up, singing round the piano and going for walks, in which case it's OK to be judgy?

mydogisthebest · 23/10/2023 15:03

gamerchick · 23/10/2023 14:52

Don't be ridiculous. Christmas day is shower and new comfy PJ's and an oodie. It's Christmas day. Who tf wants to get dressed up?

Christmas day is all about the comfort and warmth with fluffy slipper and a bucks fizz for breakfast.

Judging people if they do Christmas differently to you is a new level of a word I can't put my finger on.

Show quote history

So in someone else's house you would wear pj's? Classy!

So wearing anything other than pj's is dressing up is it? A comfortable pair of trousers and top is hardly dressing up is it?

Wear what you want in your house but to slob around in someone else's house is not on in my view unless they also are slobs

ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 15:05

I shall get up on Christmas morning, hopefully get out of my nightwear and put on an oodie or a jogging suit. I'll then put on a different nightwear outfit for bedtime. I would hope no one would judge that.

JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 15:09

mydogisthebest · 23/10/2023 15:03

So in someone else's house you would wear pj's? Classy!

So wearing anything other than pj's is dressing up is it? A comfortable pair of trousers and top is hardly dressing up is it?

Wear what you want in your house but to slob around in someone else's house is not on in my view unless they also are slobs

Show quote history

Hear hear! I am actually quite taken aback at people who would do this. The only time I would be in nightwear during the daytime in my own house would be if I were ill, let alone in someone else's!

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 15:20

ilovesooty · 23/10/2023 15:05

I shall get up on Christmas morning, hopefully get out of my nightwear and put on an oodie or a jogging suit. I'll then put on a different nightwear outfit for bedtime. I would hope no one would judge that.

Where and with whom will you spend your Christmas?