To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

God you sound utterly miserable just stay at home alone and be ungrateful.

Op, your DIL sounds lovely. But I get that you want to spend Christmas in your pyjamas with DH.
How about you alternate? One year with DD and DSD ( Both in Australia), one year with DS and DIL and on year no 3 you and DP spend Christmas your way?

The fact that DP wants to go for a walk at Christmas day doesn't mean he gangs up on you!

the work involved in making the best xmas day is enjoyable but also hard work for your daughter inlaw good on her for making a great xmas for her family
you sound hard to please just be thankful

You sound really quite jealous. She sounds like a lovely daughter in law and a brilliant mum. Nothing wrong with not going-the things you’re bitching about are ridiculous.

yes good idea offer to stay behind and do the washing up save your daughter inlaw doing all the work give her a break

OP - ignore the people saying “But that Christmas sounds lovely!” The fact is, you don’t find it lovely, so need to work out what suits you.

Personally, I think not going at all feels a bit “nuclear option”. It will be hard to change your mind in years to come. I would go down the route of making life as easy for yourself as possible.

You say the main reason to go is to spend time with your granddaughter. Can’t you make the day mainly about her? Spend time playing with her on Christmas morning - your DIL will probably appreciate you getting her out from under her feet while she’s cooking a big meal. If you’re lucky, she might start playing up during the carol interlude and you can “helpfully” take her out of the room so that everyone else can enjoy the singing.

If you really don’t fancy the Chinese (as opposed to being annoyed that you’re expected to have it), say that your stomach is a bit off and to go ahead without you; you’ll just make yourself a sandwich and maybe steal a spring roll from someone. That way you’re not stopping her doing her thing. If you don’t want to dress up, wear something like velvet trousers and a tunic top that looks dressy without being uncomfortable. Develop a convenient headache when it’s time for the walk.

Things like what time the meal is served are none of your business unless you’re cooking it, I’m afraid. The same goes for their special china and fancy chocolates -unless it’s your money, stay out of it. You wouldn’t be too thrilled if you’d invited your son and DIL and she’d sneered about how you used the everyday china and only had cheap supermarket chocolates, would you?

It will all change as your granddaughter gets older anyway. She’ll be four next time you have Christmas there - she isn’t going to sit quietly through an hour of carols. By the time she’s six, she’ll see Christmas a s a chance to eat her own body weight in sweets, and your DIL will be grateful she’s tucking into your Quality Street tin instead of indiscriminately scoffing Hotel Chocolat truffles that cost eight times as much.

Make the best of it, stay out of the forced fun, and make sure you spend new year exactly how you want.

so many other days to sit in pjs - i look forward to getting dressed up - its part of the fun

I find that weird. None of my family nap after Christmas dinner or on any other day to my knowledge. We have always gone for a walk or gone bowling.

To me it is something some old people do.

I'm in a different position, as it is my MIL who is the forced fun overscheduler. Once we had kids, I had a bit of cover, as she needed to meal prep and it was helpful for me to take the kids to the park to burn off some energy before they had to sit through meal, so I did that. Once knew I had a bit of time and fresh air on my terms, I was able to soak everything else up and appreciate (and help with) all the effort. I don't think you can really loll around in your pyjamas, but if you can find something you'd like to do that is helpful, do that. You might find your DIL is grateful. When I have hosted Christmas, I would have been delighted if someone had said "you need some time in the day to play with and have photos with your daughter, can I sit in the kitchen and peel veg with some champagne and TV whilst you have some family time"? None of it will be your first choice, but how can you make bits of it more "you"

OK so it's not to your taste but it actually sounds like a lovely experience. To go to your son and DIL's house, spend time with your grandchildren, hear Christmas music, have a meal cooked for you then go a gentle stroll. I'm sure most of us would be able to tolerate that for one day every two years!! Then you can spend the rest of the week slobbing about in pyjamas.

No, it's not to her taste.

It sounds like a lovely experience for other people who like that kind of thing. She doesn't.

The more I see people saying how ungrateful. the OP is and how she should count her blessings the more convinced I am that she should just stay at home and have the Christmas she wants.

What all these festive minded people do is irrelevant to the OP and what she wants to do.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 You say the main reason to go is to spend time with your granddaughter. Can’t you make the day mainly about her?

Given OP's gripe about spending Christmas with her other child is about how the day revolve around the grandkids somehow I don't think this is a solution that would sit well with her!

And it's only a lovely experience if it's the sort of thing you like. She's not stopping her DIL from having the Christmas she wants. She just doesn't want to go. I understand why and I doubt if the posters trilling about how lovely it is are changing her mind.

All your complaints just seem so churlish (The food is too nice, the chocolates are too expensive, there are too many decorations) and I can’t help but suspect that your nose would still be out of joint even if you got everything your own way. Are you resentful that she’s giving your grandchild a better Christmas than your own children enjoyed?

'there was a little subtle guilt trip last time, and DH is a people pleaser so indulges her and gangs up on me.'

This reeks of someone who enjoys playing the victim. ‘Gangs up on you’ seems an odd phrasing when I presume you mean he encourages you to come on the walk. Be a grown up and say 'no thank you' to the walk, say 'no thank you' to the Chinese. It's not hard!

I’d love to hear your son's and your daughter in law's take on things.

Staying in pj’s all day Christmas Day is slovenly

Says who?

Well isn’t that clear?

the poster who said it

Yeah, I'm with Lucky, I think sitting around in your pj's all day is grotty.

It's one day every two years! To spend with her son and grandchildren while they offer hospitality. Yes, it's not to her taste but fine! Is it really such a hardship? I sometimes do things I'm not particularly in to with family members. That's life.

Me too

cant imagine having lunch in my pjs and sitting across table from all of family in pjs

and presumably no walk

Just food and tv

not my cup of tea at all

I wouldn’t say my social circle is particularly formal but it’s only on MN that I’ve come across people who spend Christmas Day in their pyjamas.

Yeah I have to say, "the chocolates are too posh" is the most ridiculous complaint I have ever heard. Leaving a side for a moment the fact that the chocolates in question are from Hotel Chocolat and not handmade in Brussels and delivered by helicopter, if you prefer Quality Street can't you just bring a tin of Quality Street as a gift and then eat them yourself?

If the OP's DIL is really trying to create wonderful Christmas traditions for her children to make up for the shitty Christmases she had as a child, I bet she'd be totally fine with the OP turning up with a tin of Quality Street and saying, "DIL I know you always buy lovely expensive chocolates at Christmas, but for me, Christmas isn't Christmas without the traditional tin of Quality Street, so I brought some along. I won't be offended if you don't want to eat them - more for me!"

Totally. I did that literally once, when I was too ill to leave bed. I will admit that Boxing day is a bit more relaxed, I don't lounge around in nightwear but we tend to watch a lot of films and eat in front of the TV (practically the only day that's allowed!) To do it actually on Christmas just seems a bit sad.

In your opinion. If the OP wants to it's not for others to judge. If people want to dress up, fine. Why should she have to go if it's not what she wants to do?

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus

me. I said it. Cos it is.