To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

Well yes, she should.

But choosing to spend Christmas away from a grandchild (who she only sees at Christmas once every 2 years) because her daughter in law uses fancy crockery and likes to go for a walk after lunch, is beyond odd.

I completely understand that your DILs Christmas day isn't for you...but if she didn't have the best childhood she's 100% going to make sure her daughter doesn't experience the same. You can lounge around in your PJs on any other day of the year...enjoy Christmas day with your family as much as you can...choose to enjoy it rather than go there dreading it - mind over matter!!

This is it!

'That BITCH - making me get dressed and eat a variety of delicious foods and enjoy festive activities for a whole hour. What a DICK.'

sounds like a great xmas to me why don’t you just enjoy it and think to yourself how lucky you are to have a daughter in law like this she could be the opposite lazy and not want to do anything she sounds lovely xx

Aww she's trying

This is what I was thinking.
Sounds brilliant
And dgd will be so excited

Or alternatively a DIL posts on here that she goes to her ILs every other year. She has to eat Chinese on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day listen to FIL playing the piano and singing carols for an hour. She's expected to be all dressed up and she'll be guilted into going for a walk after Christmas dinner regardless of weather. But she should suck it up because MIL is very rigid and that's how she likes to do things and it means the DCs get to see their grandparents.

Very few posters would tell her it sounds lovely and she's ungrateful. At the very least there'd be lots of suggestions for how she could get out of the walk. A lot of people would say that they'd hate that too, so tell them you've brought a book and you're ging to curl up and read it. If MIL is disappointed, tough. etc...

Maybe if she wants to see the DGCs OP does have to go along with it. But the MIL/DIL double standards are alive and kicking on this thread.

@Gymnopedie But the OP is perfectly capable of using her words and saying, "I need a moment of peace and quiet, I'm just going to go and read my book instead of singing carols/have a nap instead of going for a walk, you have a lovely time though."

She doesn't need to rubbish the whole thing.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm questioning the PPs who are telling her to suck it up and that she's ungrateful.

@toadasoda

Paltrypam
@toadasoda could you link to that thread pls?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4913282-its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-the-most-stressful-time-of-the-year

^^^^^
This is completely different
In this thread the op is forced to host and is doing everything
Where as in this thread op has everything done for her.
One is hell , the other heaven.

Well I think she is, a bit.

If carols and walks aren't your thing then fair enough and you shouldn't be forced to participate, but complaining about Hotel Chocolat chocolates and expensive tableware is just mean.

A lot of MILs on Mumsnet complain about being shut out by their DILs. This one is hosting one of her husband's divorced parents each year and going to a lot of effort to make it special, even if her idea of special doesn't appeal to her MIL.

I think a lot of MILs who are divorced from their children's father would be delighted to get every other Christmas with their grandchild. It just all seems quite Scrooge-like.

I rather fancy a nice, posh, formal Christmas as opposed to the chaotic hot mess our huge family gatherings devolve into nowdays ...
The singing round the piano reminds me of that lovely bit in the Ghosts Christmas special!
I'll go - you can stay at home and skank about in your 'jamas.

It sounds lovely but you should be allowed to bow out of the walk if you like

Exactly, the OP is being very passive aggressive. Also, the way she talks about her DIL really sticks in my craw, she seems to actually dislike her, for all that she describes her as 'lovely'.

I also have to say that the OPs idea of a good Christmas is not mine. I love rushing around at Christmas, I usually decorate the house on the 23rd (we keep the 12 Days of Christmas) and have a fish based meal on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day we have a lovely pastry breakfast, then a walk, then get dressed up for a three course meal. Slobbing around in front of the TV with Quality Street? No thanks.

I think it’s ok for one day.

I might say to her “look at our age we need a nap after such a big meal so hope you don’t mind if we sit out the walk”.

I do think 2 pm is a bit early for Christmas lunch but I’m sure I could manage 😂

Just one thing op.? That’s all you can manage>And picking on the one of the very few posts supporting you to respond to?.

your dil Xmas isn’t a reflection on you. She’s not doing it to shame you. Your son isn’t indulging her, he loves her. He loves the traditions.

try to swallow your envy. If you can’t stay home and reflect on yourself.

Don't know how old OP is but why would she need a nap after the meal? I am 70 and I don't need a nap and my parents never did until they were about 85.

What do you want, a bun?

I didn't think after dinner naps were an age related thing! My family always napped after Christmas dinner so I've been doing it as long as I can remember. My husband does as well and has from his late teens.

Thank goodness you told us!

Another Scrooge has entered the building.

Oh FFS. It can’t be that hard to work out that, on page 17 of the thread, a bewildered “But… but… this wouldn’t bother meeee” comment is fairly meaningless.

Wow it sounds like an amazing day & tbh you are coming across as very ungrateful . Being with your DGD will surely be worth the singing , walking and dressing up .
You could ask your DIL if she’d like a year off as it does sound like a lot of effort for her but if she’s insistent then do it - it’s only one day & then you’re off the hook for the next 2 years

Why bother when you can just enjoy judging?

Why not offer to stay at home and wash up after dinner? I’ve done that a few times when I’ve felt a bit “peopled out” on Christmas Day. It takes hours! Warn your husband that’s your plan so he can back you up. That way you get some peace AND make yourself useful.