To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

I actually think that's such a lovely day. You have the rest of the year, no kids at home anymore to do as you please.

Of course the OP can spend christmas as she wishes. She should check with her dh though before refusing the invitation- sounds like he might enjoy this type of xmas.

Still, I find it hard to understand how someone would deny themselves spending xmas day with their child and grandchild just because the day doesn't unfold exactly the way they'd prefer. It is one day every two years - how hard is it to sit back, enjoy and have a bit of a laugh to yourself about the christmas carols - while enjoying spending time with your family. Sit in your pjs and don't sing christmas carols when you get home.

Exactly. But on mumsnet she’s a MIL and therefore her time is done. 😢

Sounds like you are lacking imagination/ perspective-taking in that case.
Why should OP want to spend Christmas Day with them , when it’s precisely Christmas Day that she doesn’t enjoy / finds tiresome because of all the rules/ ritual? Why can’t she enjoy Christmas Day how she likes and then spend time with her DGC and DS/ DIL on Boxing Day. Who cares what day it is as long as she’s making the time?

I actually think most of this stems from OP not being a very motherly person. She probably resents that her DS prefers to make traditions with his wife and child and their traditions are so different to anything with the OP. Maybe she is even jealous and resentful of the effort they put in for their DC.
OP admits she was quite happy to split Christmases with her own children for 25 years due to the divorce (can’t say I’ve come across many split parents who view it as ‘working out well’ to split Christmas) plus she couldn’t enjoy a very rare Christmas with her other child as the day was all about the grandkids! I mean who says that about christmas about their child and grandchildren in their own home?

I’m with your DIL on this - sitting round in PJs with your in-laws until mid day sounds grim.
of you are not a festive person - why can’t you sit at home and chill in your PJs on all the other weekends/ days of the year?

It's about what you value most. There is nothing wrong with saying you will come down Boxing Day if that's what you want because you lost value your pj day. If you value your relationship with son and DIL most you will suck it up.

I'm sure you can compromise and go but say you really don't fancy the wall so will take a pass on that. Maybe offer to do some washing up while they gone so you don't seem like a Scrooge?

I think YABU that sounds like a lovely Christmas and I think it's really nice that she involves you too.

Sounds fine to me, it's one day? Chill later in the week.

What's wrong with wearing nice clothes and music played live - we often have a singsong

It is controlling to make people endure this. The rest of the day also sounds highly controlled. Why on earth should anyone have to listen to someone indulging themselves like this every time.

TBH, it all sounds great to me (and I’m never ‘not in the mood’ for a Chinese!). Far better that you are treated to the best foods and a magical time than the other way round (if you want the opposite, you can go to my PIL who are also up north 😁).

Shame you will slightly pull a muscle in your leg or lower back a couple of days before you get there. It won’t be enough to make you limp or anything, just a bit of tenderness which means you need to take it easy on the sofa when listening to the carols and when the others walk 👿

@NanaZoZo Reading back through your posts again, I do feel there might be some possibility of a compromise here.

It sounds like your DIL's Christmases were pretty shitty as a child and she probably watched Christmas movies where everything looked perfect and has decided she wants to recreate that for her own children now.

It might not be your cup of tea, but there's nothing actually wrong with the general idea. I mean, surely it's not actually unpleasant to eat posh chocolates and food from Fortnum and Mason's? And what's it to you if two adults with large salaries have chosen to spend a lot of money on festive dinnerware? It's their money, not yours.

But perhaps you can push back on some of it. Could you suggest a different takeaway on Christmas Eve if you don't like Chinese? Or arrive a bit later having eaten on the way? What would actually happen if you sat down and read your book during the Christmas carols, or said, "Enjoy your walk, everyone, I'm off for a nap!"?

It sounds to me like you might be a little introverted and you don't want to be on parade the whole time. Perhaps you could tell your son that you find the whole Christmas Day routine a little exhausting and say, "Please don't be offended if I need a moment to myself now and then during the day."

I reckon if you can skip the carols and the walk but make an effort for the rest of it, you'll have a more enjoyable day.

And then every other year you can eat Quality Street in your PJs.

My in-laws Christmas tradition was evening Christmas Games. Think of things like charades, but they had other ones that got very competitive, and went on all for hours. Not monopoly. All attendees were adult.

I Hate, hate these kinds of things. I am a massive introvert.

But I sucked it up year in year out. A bit of booze helped.

Oh OP, of course you don't have to go if you'd rather spend the day in other ways. But surely you see that having your face at her ridiculous over-the-top Hallmark family Christmas is a gift to her.

I also had a shitty childhood and although I now live in a country where Christmas Day isn't a big deal, I can't tell you how much it meant to me when my in-laws showed up to my open-house Christmas brunch singing carols, wearing stupid Santa hats and bearing inexpensive thoughtful gifts.

The only reason they were there is because they know that Chrismas represents everything I missed out on. They came because they love me, it's that simple.

It sounds dramatic but seeing them come up the walk that first time with smiles on their faces healed something in me and I'm much less regimented as a result.

Maybe it would be the same for your DiL. And maybe your son recognises the same thing.

New thread. We usually visit my stepson and his family every other Christmas. It's a big production, and I love it. My wife doesn't like it, so this year we sat at home in our PJs, watched TV, and ate quality street. AIBU if next time I go without her and leave her at home alone.

"Endure this"?!

Endure Christmas carols on Christmas Day?! 😱

Some people like Christmas Day to be a traditional Christma family celebration.

Others want to laze around in their pyjamas just like Tuesday evening.

Pretty sure she can spend it as she wishes. I very much doubt she is going to be dragged to her son's kicking and screaming.

She can spend Christmas Day slobbing around in pj's and being as lazy as she wants. Oh and having a nap after lunch don't forget

I suspect most of us don’t care either way whether OP spends Christmas with her family and are just a bit taken aback by how nasty she’s being about her DIL.

One thing I’ll give DIL is she’s not social media focused. I got instagram to follow my DDs travels last year and DIL hasn’t posted since about 2019. DS posts somethings but never overkill it’s definitely not about social media for them.

Yep. Whose crimes amount to “too much food”, “nice chocolate”, “tasteful decorations”, “Chinese takeaway”, “walking”, “Christmas carols”, “clothes”, “has money”, and “London”. OP’s dislike comes through loud and clear.

> One thing I'll give

A grudging concession. "This person has many bad points, but here is a good one."

You clearly don't like her.

Maybe spend some time talking to a neutral professional about why?

Is she:
'Taking over as the matriarch'?
'Taking away your son'?
'Showing you up' by doing more for her kids than you could afford to/work allowed?
That your son is happier at her Christmases than he ever was at your split Christmases?

It's your Christmas as well OP. Nobody should put up with anything they don't want to year after year. There's no way I'd put myself through an hour of piano and singing and guilt tripped into walks.

If you want to take a break from it this year, you can.

If you do go, stand your ground on the nap and wave them all off for their walk.

Must admit, I feel a bit envious reading your dilemma @NanaZoZo 😢

My DIL ALWAYS spends Christmas Day at her mums and Boxing Day at her dads because that’s what happened when her parents divorced when she was a teen. She’s been with DS for over 15 yrs and they now have toddler twins and they will NEVER spend a Christmas with us because her mum wouldn’t accept it.

We live abroad (lovely seaside place) and travelled to visit DS and family in the summer hols and would you believe her mum even invited herself to our special meal out! Not only that, but whilst I’m trying to play with one of the twins, her mum was complaining to me that she doesn’t see her daughter often enough. 🤦🏻‍♀️ This is despite the fact they visit her and stay the weekend at least once a month. They last came to visit us in 2019.

Yep. Whose crimes amount to “too much food”, “nice chocolate”, “tasteful decorations”, “Chinese takeaway”, “walking”, “Christmas carols”, “clothes”, “has money”, and “London”. OP’s dislike comes through loud and clear.

When you put it like that 😂