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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to not breastfeed just beacuse i dont want to?

1000 replies

lunalovegrooove · 21/10/2023 09:34

I understand breast is best, but I don't want to do it.
I feel pressure and the implication that I am a bad mother. I think I have the right to choose, and that the medical establishment doesn't expect something this taxing from men in society.

Am I a bad mother?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
DinnaeFashYersel · 21/10/2023 10:14

I didn't really fancy breastfeeding but felt like I should give it a go.

Loved it. Ended up bf for 10 months. 2 months of bottles and formula for the next 2 months till DS reached age one made me realise BF is the easy option.

What a complete faff and the cost. Bottles, sterilising, formula, carting equipment around everywhere, worrying about warming bottles. Never again.

Next baby hot bf until 16 months so we only had to do bottles for babysitters or DH doing night feeds.

WalkingOnSunshineYeahhhh · 21/10/2023 10:15

Most people don't breastfeed op.
You do you.
But breastmilk is obviously better for babies & people will mention this sometimes.

x2boys · 21/10/2023 10:16

YaWeeFurryBastard · 21/10/2023 10:14

I’m sorry but “fed is best” is a complete crock of shit. Fed is the bare minimum, anything else is neglect.

OP, ultimately your body, your choice and of course if you’re going to find it so stressful it will affect your mental health then it’s obviously best not to breastfeed. However I will admit that I find it a bit odd that someone wouldn’t even want to try given the overwhelming evidence in favour of breastfeeding. Of course some people are unable and nothing wrong with that, but I personally want to try and give my baby the best start nutritionally.

Also, for me there is increasing evidence coming out about UPF being damaging and formula milk is definitely UPF.

I find it a bit odd that other people care so much ,how complete strangers choose to feed their babies but there we go🙄

WalkingOnSunshineYeahhhh · 21/10/2023 10:16

lunalovegrooove · 21/10/2023 09:42

my husband keeps telling me how the world health organisation recommends exclusive breastfeeding for six months. If the world health organisation recommends this, then i should do it if i want whats best for my son. My mother inlaw has said the same.

I just really dont want to. Its not a comfortable experience.

It does hurt like fuck for the first couple of weeks. Then it's easy, free and extremely convenient.

BeeCucumber · 21/10/2023 10:17

You will be judged whatever you decide. Just do what you need to do for your health and sanity.

chosenone · 21/10/2023 10:18

Your body, your choice. You can tell your DH and MIL that. Just make sure you’ve made an informed choice as to why ‘it’s best’, or try it and see?

I did find BF easy so it’s easy for me to say it was best! It also helped with weight loss and gave me almost like a high! I think the endorphins released helped with that. I preferred the convenience that’s it’s ready to go!

WalkingOnSunshineYeahhhh · 21/10/2023 10:18

BeeCucumber · 21/10/2023 10:17

You will be judged whatever you decide. Just do what you need to do for your health and sanity.

This is true. Better a happy mum than a depressed mum for your baby.

jeaux90 · 21/10/2023 10:19

You do what you want to. You might change your mind or you might decide to express it so your DH can do feeds. Formula means you can both play an active role in the first few months which is a good precedent in terms of sharing the load.

Breastfeeding is convenient for sure, I did it for 4 months but honestly I didn't like it either. I expressed for a bit too which made me feel like a cow.

Your body, your choice.

TrustPenguins · 21/10/2023 10:20

YaWeeFurryBastard · 21/10/2023 10:14

I’m sorry but “fed is best” is a complete crock of shit. Fed is the bare minimum, anything else is neglect.

OP, ultimately your body, your choice and of course if you’re going to find it so stressful it will affect your mental health then it’s obviously best not to breastfeed. However I will admit that I find it a bit odd that someone wouldn’t even want to try given the overwhelming evidence in favour of breastfeeding. Of course some people are unable and nothing wrong with that, but I personally want to try and give my baby the best start nutritionally.

Also, for me there is increasing evidence coming out about UPF being damaging and formula milk is definitely UPF.

This 👆

MammaTo · 21/10/2023 10:21

I had a baby 10 months ago and I didn’t feel any pressure to breastfeed. When the baby was born the midwife asked what I was planning to do and said yep that’s fine and away we went.
I think I built up the expectation in my own head, that people would judge me and that I was being selfish but honestly - no one cares. People ask do you bottle or breast feed but most of the time it’s just to make conversation.

MariaVT65 · 21/10/2023 10:21

YANBU

We all have different experiences and preferences. Some women find breastfeeding easy, others don’t.

There are a lot of people on here who say bottles are a faff. They really weren’t for me. You wash them up and put them in a sterilising tank for a bit. Formula is expensive though.

Many women choose not to breastfeed for many different reasons, all of which are valid.

My personal experience was I couldn’t get any colostrum out before the birth, had an EMCS, could get barely any out afterwards. Only ever built up to a 40% supply. My son never latched and I expressed what I could for 5 months. Was awful and exhausting.

I’m now pregnant with my second. I will attempt to get some colostrum out if I can but other than that I will go straight to formula. I don’t want to risk breastfeeding and not having enough supply again.

My brother was breastfed for 6 months and I was formula fed. Both very healthy adults, no difference.

I would be asking your husband how he intends to help you with night feeds and help you rest if he wants feeding to be solely on you.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2023 10:22

Someone uptrend said it hurts like for the first couple of weeks.

This is not a universal experience. Many, many many women have no pain at all.

Just make sure you are making your decision on facts rather than unfounded assumptions

MuckyPlucky · 21/10/2023 10:23

My 2 siblings & I were bottle fed. We were the healthiest, strongest, top-of-class kids. Went on to get 6 degrees & professional careers.

My 2 DC’s were also bottle red. Healthiest, strongest, athletic types. Highly academic. Happy & fit.

Fuck the ‘breast is best’ lobby. It’s a crock of shit designed to keep exhausted mothers in their place and another stick to beat themselves with. Fuck that.

millymoo1202 · 21/10/2023 10:23

Tried with my first but she was early and couldn’t latch on, was definitely pressured to keep going. With second I just said bottle as soon as he was out, no pressure. They’re 22 and 18 now and extremely healthy! Do what you want to, it’s not your husband or mil decision

PuttingDownRoots · 21/10/2023 10:24

You have to have a thick skin in parenting as with many decisions, there will be people criticising it.

Breast vs formula
Sling vs pram
Sahp vs childcare
Nursery vs childminder
Private vs state school
Blw vs purees
Phone vs no phone
Screen time limits
Grammar vs comprehensive
Pocket money
Clothing choices
Holidays
Literally Everything

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 10:24

Maybe if you share some of your specific reasoning you can discuss that in more detail to get a clearer picture.

(1) Is it that you don't like the idea that you are physically providing milk?

(2)You don't like the idea of being seen to breastfeed?

(3) You don't like the idea of a child on your breast?

(4) You believe it will be painful?

(5) You believe it takes longer than bottle feeding?

(6) You don't like the idea that 'this is your role?

(7) You want other people to be able to feed the baby?

(8) You see breasts as sexual and are uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding.

(9) You have some trauma around your breasts.

(10) You take medication which you would have to stop taking in order to breastfeed.

Some of the issues can be worked around by expressing, for example. In 2023, there are quiet pumps which can be worn inside a bra. That would perhaps address some of the issues while still providing the gut and immune benefits.

Some of the benefits of breastfeeding are worthwhile, even taking the benefits to the baby out of the picture. Such as:

(A)it helps the uterus to contract back to a smaller size and helps reduce mum tum size.

(B) It uses up so many calories that it's one of the best diets on the market and helps pregnancy weight to melt away.

(C) You're not spending money on formula, bottles, sterilisers etc.

(D) There is zero prep, you're not standing around at 4 am in the kitchen.

(E) When your milk comes in but you don't breastfeed it is painful as fuck. Even worse postpartum. When weaning there is discomfort, but much less.

(F) The smell of a bottle fed nappy vs a formula fed baby is night and day. Until the baby starts eating food, a bf nappy is ten times less disgusting. Maybe partly because the digestion of breast milk is more efficient. Maybe you can't smell it because it came from your body originally.

Of course, fed is best. But when making a major decision it is good to do so having considered all angles.

Darkmode2 · 21/10/2023 10:24

Midwives and health visitors care less about how you feed your baby than complete strangers on mumsnet forums

This is the only place I've ever seen people get so wound about it

I bf one and ff another, do whatever suits you and your baby

LeonBlack · 21/10/2023 10:24

It’s entirely your choice.

But don’t assume it’s taxing, it might not be. I found it incredibly easy and enjoyable. It’s also extremely convenient.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/10/2023 10:25

It’s up to you,

Itsalongstoryy · 21/10/2023 10:26

I felt the same as you first time round and didn’t breastfeed. I tried to do colostrum harvesting before he was born but really collected nothing. I made a half hearted attempt at expressing in the first few days, didn’t have a clue what I was doing and because of the overly pushy ‘breast is best’ thing I said from the start I was just formula feeding so didn’t want to ask for help in case they tried to force me into it. In hindsight I should have probably asked or looked into it more before he was born. I knew I’d never want to directly breastfeed but preferred the idea of expressing. My health visitor put me off when I was pregnant when she asked how I was feeding, I said formula and she launched into a 20 minute lecture about breastfeeding and how I don’t know how much il love the baby til I meet them 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️ As if you don’t love them if you formula feed!

I just did formula in the end. Second time round I attempted colostrum harvesting again but had huge success this time. I fed baby the syringes (nearly 30 of them) in hospital then expressed when I got home. Ive always given formula at night (to help with sleep more than anything else). It has gone so much better than I could have expected. I would have set a distant target of 6 weeks at first but I’m now nearing 3 months.

Just wanted to share two sides of it. If someone asks if I’m breastfeeding now I still say no, because I’m not 😂

x2boys · 21/10/2023 10:27

MuckyPlucky · 21/10/2023 10:23

My 2 siblings & I were bottle fed. We were the healthiest, strongest, top-of-class kids. Went on to get 6 degrees & professional careers.

My 2 DC’s were also bottle red. Healthiest, strongest, athletic types. Highly academic. Happy & fit.

Fuck the ‘breast is best’ lobby. It’s a crock of shit designed to keep exhausted mothers in their place and another stick to beat themselves with. Fuck that.

Indeed we should be supporting new mothers in whatever way they choose to feed their babies its a stressful.enough time as it is not using iit as a stick to beat them.

Santaiscomingsoon · 21/10/2023 10:27

Im very pro breastfeeding but I’m also it’s your body and your choice. If it’s not right for you it’s not right. I don’t judge; there is benefits to breastfeeding but formula is a suitable alternative after breastmilk.

I had a friend who was very anti breastfeeding; gave birth and it changed in her head. She’s loving it. Guess what I’m saying is you never know until baby is born. Have an open mind but be prepared with formula if that’s your lead option.

Doesnt make you a bad mum at all, the fact you care so much means you are a great mum

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2023 10:29

You make a choice to have a baby and grow a baby inside your body. You also make a choice to grow that baby outside your body.

it’s your body and your set of choices. I do find it odd that so many women are willing to do the work of the first stage of growth, but balk at the second.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 21/10/2023 10:29

x2boys · 21/10/2023 10:16

I find it a bit odd that other people care so much ,how complete strangers choose to feed their babies but there we go🙄

I don’t “care so much”, I’m giving my opinion like everyone else on the thread.

Weird comment, are you ok hun?

rainbowsparkle28 · 21/10/2023 10:29

YANBU. It is your choice to feed your baby how you wish.

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