Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

Move the fuck away from them. Go. Do it. You must.

Any guilt you feel is only a trauma response as a result of the years and years of abuse you’ve endured. Ignore it.

Loving mothers do not behave this way. Yours is a real doozy.

This!

You are doing yourself, your ds and your dh no favours talking to these people.

Parrot back to your step father what your mother said to you and threaten him and her with going to the police because of the harassment if they try to contact you again and then block him and anyone else who you might consider as a flying monkey and go NC.

Whilst you might love your new place I would consider moving even further away and not tell anyone your address.

I find a new phone number stops people contacting you

Why would you advise an abuse victim to kowtow to her abusers?

Gosh my parents are 30 mins drive away, one of them doesn't drive, and yet they see our kids at least twice a week...

You are being abused - heavily abused by your parents.

They manage to put you in FOG every time they contact you ( fear and guilt)

You are PROTECTING your son not depriving him. Never ever lose sight of that.

I have had personal experience of this, for 12 years. The only way for the moment is to block their numbers and details and create space whilst you move. It’s going to be too hard otherwise. Separate for a while and shore up your position. Your strength and resolve. Reconnect if you want to, once you are stronger.

Get some professional counselling to help you process everything that has happened to you.

I did this ( moved 3 hours away) it was the best thing we ever did. We are free and happy! You can be too.

That is mad. 30 minutes is nothing. My parents and in-laws live 2 hours and 1.5 hours away and we see them all the time - like I see my mum twice a week. I think if we lived 30 minutes away my mum would be round everyday. If they want to see him they can easily make that work.

Bloody hell. It's 35 minutes. My in laws have a great relationship with our kids and yet they live in Canada. Just suggest to them that they come up with some solutions of how to maintain contact with them and that you are sure that they will manage somehow.

They're having tantrums because they are trying to get their own way. Unfortunately it sounds as though you've not been strong enough in the past and that, as a result, they think that if they undermine your confidence, you will cave. It's no different to training a small child or a dog. Your parents need training. Be firm, be clear and concise and be consistent with them. Don't do anything that sends mixed messages. Don't get involved in any lengthy discussions as it will just draw out the tantrum. Just be clear that you are doing this because you are a grown woman and a mother who is making the right decision for yourselves as a family. Tell them that you are not taking DS away from them and that they can work with you to find a way to maintain contact. However be clear that you are not changing your mind. That you are happy with your decision, you appreciate that they are disappointed but that it would be nice if they could be happy for you and supportive for once. If they kick off, tell them that they are being controlling and selfish. They're quick enough to criticise you, but do you ever do it back to them? It's about time that you stood your ground and stuck up for yourself.

From the info in your last post and this one, it sounds as though your Mum is deeply toxic and controlling (traits which usually go along with narcissism). Every time you make a decision for yourself, to give your family a better life, she feels she's about to lose control over you. She presses the buttons she thinks will make you come back (like saying you're failing your son). She uses guilt and criticism to undermine your decision, so that you'll second-guess yourself and change your mind.

You've done well to fight her so strongly, but guilt works for a reason, so it's not surprising that you're doubting yourself and feeling anxious/worried - it's totally understandable to feel that way in the face of years and years of dealing with this horrible behaviour from her. She doesn't sound like a kind or loving parent at all.

When it comes from a parent, it's even worse, because as a child nobody tells you what normal, healthy relationships are. Kids grow up assuming that this is what parental love looks and feels like. When your parents criticise or blame you, as a child you assume they're right and you're the problem. It takes years of work to undo, and it's very easy to relive those old familiar childhood feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I think that blocking them is absolutely the right decision. They've clearly demonstrated that they will never change, that they will continue to treat you in this awful toxic way, and they will continue to expect that you apologise and change your behaviour to suit them. They absolutely do not have your best interests at heart, and likely never will (even if they delude themselves otherwise). Keep them blocked and remember that you were the one who tried - you apologised so many times, you did what they wanted so many times, you tried to make them happy and make it work so many times. They didn't try at all. You are so much better off without them. Stay strong, you're doing difficult work now that Future You will thank you for.

I live 35 minutes from my DD. I consider myself lucky as most of my friends have to travel a few hours to see their DGC!
Ignore them , they are controlling and selfish .

they are being pathetic and trying to manipulate you. stick to your guns, how
dare
they dictate to u about your own child.

Dh and I live 60 miles (1 1/2 hr drive) away from Gdcs, and have a lovely relationship with them. Your parents are bonkers.

The fact that you feel 35 mins is a long way away shows how these mad parents have brainwashed you! I would head for the hills if I were you. Seriously you need to be further away than 35 mins so you can get on with your life.

Agreed
You do you.
You gave it a shot.
It didn't work
All the lo wants is a a happy mum and dad.
And a big garden to run around in!
You are moving to give him that.
Go you, well done!
I'm inspired
Drop the guilt for holding true.

To a point yes, but op is struggling with guilt at the moment so it could be a temporary thing until they get moved and settle in.

I agree.

A threat like that is relationship ending.

They're worried that they won't be able to control you from there. That you'll become more and more independent.

Keep them blocked
Get a ring doorbell
Keep your doors and gates locked

Enjoy your new home.

When you feel settled, it's up to you whether you unblock them. But tbh I see them turning up (if you've shared your address) if they do, pretend you're out then invite them on your own terms another time if you want.

Preferably meet them for a drink in a cafe so you can leave if they turn arsy.

Your priority is to your child, not them.

Nobody in their right mind would want their child growing up surrounded by people like that.

Make sure you document all threats and go live your life away from them.

They sound utterly self obsessed and selfish. I think you are wise to create a little distance, and for goodness sake (that’s to them, not you), 30 mins away is nothing. Stick to your guns.

Oh, blimey, I’ve just seen your other post about their threats. Are you sure 35 minutes away is far enough? They sound unhinged. As another poster says, do not give them your new address.

Your parent's sound completely mental. Make sure you save all those texts in case you ever need to show how unstable and manipulative they are.

I don't know where you live, but I'd consider contacting authorities over the behaviour and taking it a bit further than no contact. No contact with a restraining order. The way they sound does not sound like people who should be around children.

I would consider whether or not 35 minutes away is far enough.

Block them but save the messages and whatever you do, do not give a forwarding address.

Sounds like your parents are very controlling, and I don’t think they realize there’s no such thing as grandparent rights.

Once you move, it’s more than likely in your best interest to go to the no contact or low contact, and gray rock them every time.

and most certainly never ask them for help or support. Because you will pay a very high price for that.

You also may want to consider going to therapy to get over the guilt that you have, because as long as you have it? They will always try to rope you in and your life will be miserable.

Move. Please please don’t let them emotionally blackmail you. Prioritise you, your son & your little family. Not them. You’re not responsible for how they feel or what they want.

Move. You are adults and know what is right for your child. Your parents should be pleased your son is getting a bigger house and garden if they care about him so much!