Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

Honestly you are not being unreasonable at all its 30 minutes away my mum lives a hour away and my dad lives in guernsey,my daughter as a great relationship with them both so don't feel guilty as you are doing nothing wrong. Goodluck i hope it all works out for you

I do believe grandparents get so much slating on mumsnet , but i live 35 minutes from my grandson and it has not stopped me having a relationship in any way.
But, it depends how old they are, if they drive and have a car, whether your on a bus route ect, so i dont think i can answer without knowing the full story.

@housemoveproblems - so sorry that you are getting the expected abuse. In my view you should have moved even further away - but that's another story! Did you tell your parents your new address? Think that might have been a mistake, but hopefully you can stay strong and simply go no contact with them

No-one needs this kind of toxic relations - and you were already feeling better by not being in touch with them. You don't have to be in contact simply because they are your parents. Some Mothers were just never meant to have children

You need to stop feeling guilty and anxious, if you can. The problems are entirely not your fault

Thinking of you

I so pleased you’ve had the courage to do this. Like a lot of things, unless you’ve been in the situation you can’t understand the toll it has in you.
I waited too long to stand up to my mother. I know you would get it but she did every trick in the book to manipulate, gaslight etc etc.
It was so difficult to make that break but now we have a much calmer, happier life.
Please save all messages/letters etc & record all incidents in detail (just in case the worst happens).
At the end of the day, 30 minutes journey is nothing. She demonstrates exactly what she’s like.

That. My wonderful PILs lived two and a half hours away. I feel very fortunate to be only 45 minutes away, and see my DGDs at least once a week.

But there's clearly no point in telling them that because they're abusive. I'd have moved much further away

As a grandmother I know how hard it is when DCs move away. DS moved to Scotland when we were in London so felt a great loss of 2 GSs that we had seen almost daily, and a third was born in Scotland. But parents have to let children and grandchildren go and make their own lives. It is selfish and unkind for your mother to pile on the emotional blackmail, so do not feel guilty.

You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing. Keep them all blocked, move, don’t give them your new address and move on with your life.

My mum and stepdad were not quite at that level of threats, but they put my dc in serious risk of harm and then went on a campaign of telling lies about Dh and I to distract from the really serious things they did. It took me 3 years to fully pull the plug, but it’s been absolute peace since. They have no idea where we live and we’ve moved on and have very happy lives without them.

35minutes drive up the road what do they drive a horse & donkey ? They’re just pulling at your heart strings it’s coercive control; it sounds like your mum is used to getting her own way all the time; it’s more damaging to your family if you stay put & let her control your life; go move away put yourself first enjoy your life with your family if she wants to be as sour minded old battle axe it’s her choice; your child won’t miss them he’s got a big house & garden to explore with his happy mummy xx

Reading what they have put you through not sure why you even want yourself or your child to have any sort of relationship with this toxic pair. They emotionally abused you? Protect your child and just get on with your life.

My son and family live in Japan, I miss him so much but I would never make a fuss, it's a healthy relationship that doesn't put such pressure on children, bring them up to be free and take on their own responsibolities rather than hanging onto apron strings, that's selfish. We are in regular contact.

I do think it's a pity that your grandson isn't seeing grandparents and preferable not to have negative vibes. How about regular video calls? We are so fortunate to have social media. When my Mother's sister lived in Zimbabwe it was an airmail letter home every couple of months.

You should just do what is best for you and that means moving.

Or every February 29th !

"Fook I", as a dear late friend used to say. Your mother and her husband are unhinged. They have zero right, legally or morally, to any relationship with your child. The operative word there being YOUR.

If you were (and still are, it seems) subject to psychological abuse from them growing up, and you allow them NEAR your child then in my eyes you're failing drastically to protect him.

If their "threatening behaviour including threatening custody of my son, telling us they were going to make false allegations of neglect if we dare move" are constantly at the back of your mind, worrying away at you, please consider consulting a solicitor and getting them to write a cease and desist letter to your obnoxious bully of a mother and stepfather, even if it might mean having to have a social work visit just to prove that your son is healthy, happy and well cared for.

Pretty please, go totally no contact with your mother and stepfather - they sound so deranged and cruel as to be dangerous.

Have they never watched ‘wanted down under’? People move the other side of the world and it’s ok….not a bad thing….there is FaceTime and Skype and thirty minutes? My kids all live in different countries. We adore our grandkids who we see twice a year. Everyone has their own lives, don’t be guilt tripped by possessive grandparents!

Keep calm and carry on! That’s what you do.
Tell them that moving is the best thing for all of your family and that is why you’re moving. Say they are welcome to come over but call first to make sure you’re home but that your door is always open to them. The balls left in their court then. You’ve been gracious even though they sound like they don’t deserve your grace but you will sleep better knowing what you’ve said and done was all in light and love; then move into your lovely new home that is going to be a base of amazing memories for you and your family and enjoy your life. Life is too short x good luck

If they throw their toys out of the pram at you moving 35 minutes away, how are they going to try to sabotage your son when he wants to leave home, possibly going to university in a totally different city? You will both benefit then from the practice you are getting at resisting it now.

We moved 7 hours drive from my in laws and still see them every few months. If they were half an hour away we’d see them several times a week. If they can’t be bothered to drive 30 mins to visit you then they are the selfish ones.

After reading your first thread, I would say you need to move further away and don't tell your parents. You need to cut them out of your life! They sound absolutely toxic and insane. They need help, but not the kind you can give them. Cut the chains and set your family free. Document everything they've said and done to you throughout your life, and speak to a lawyer if necessary. Your job is to continue raising your little boy in the loving way that you have, and to protect him. You are an adult, you choose what to do with your life. No one can dictate how you live. Stay safe.

Do NOT feel guilty hun you’ve done nothing wrong in fact you’re doing what’s best for your son, yourself and your partner. If your son is also noticing how your parents are acting over this it’s 100% best to move and if they choose to have no relationship with you or your son that’s on them as you never said we’re moving and never want to see you again, your mum sounds like she wants to control your life, stay strong you got this xx

It sounds like 35 mins isn't enough!!

So they want you your partner and son to stay in a house which is extortionately expensive and less than ideal for your needs just for their convenience? Having read your last thread my personal view is that they are coercive and controlling and the less of them you have in your life the better. If they can't maintain a relationship with a DGS 35 mins away then their loss. Stick to your guns

You are doing the right thing by moving.its taken me many years and counselling to get over similar emotional abuse. Cut them off, it will feel like a new start. You dont give birth to children so you can control them as adults, its plain wrong.i wish you all the best .

Jesus Christ. They need to get some perspective. Moving 30mins to get away from parents is restrained and quite considerate. I moved a 14 hour flight away to the other side of the world to get away from mine.

@DelphiniumBlue your parents are batshit and more than a little deranged, I don't think 30 mins is far enough. Protect your child from them their controlling behavior will escalate.

There being ridicolous 35 minutes is nothing i walked that distance in all weathers twice when i looked after my grandaughters i dont drive