Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

35 mins is our closest relative and the kids have a great relationship with parents the other side of the country

I think you are 100% doing the right thing to look after yourself and your family. It will hopefully create some distance and allow you to put boundaries in place (whether or not they stick to them is another matter). I don’t think blocking your mother is unreasonable either I think it shows that you will not tolerate abuse and she needs to treat you respectfully. I think if your son is picking up on all this and impacting his behaviour it also reinforces you are making the right choice.

I think it can be so hard to have a toxic parent (a lot of people don’t understand and society expects you to put up with as it is your parent or there is some god given right as a grandparent to do what you want) and it becomes even harder when grandchildren involved due to the guilt when trying to put boundaries in etc. however I think protecting yourself is needed here, it sounds like it has been horrific. Stay strong and I think you are doing a great job!!

Move further! 35 mins is my commute to work

If Royal Mail can't be trusted to keep a PO Box destination secret (on what evidence do you claim that?) then they can't be trusted to keep a Redirection destination secret either. Other than costing less, your argument makes no sense.

You are doing the right thing op. Frankly I’d be moving further, much further! They are toxic and you will all be better off going NC. Good luck with the move, I am sure your son will thrive.

My daughter is moving to America next year to marry her American fiance. They want to have a family and her mother in law will only be a couple of hours drive away, so will have more input than we will.
We are in Britain but have to accept it which we are. It's her life and we want her to be happy. No tears and tantrums here when she told us, I wouldn't do that to any of my adult dc.

Why only 35 minutes?! Seriously, I’d have moved much further but I suppose work needs to be commutable. Block them, they sound unhinged.

Normal parent reaction- lovely house, do you need moving, we are so excited for you, isn't it going to be lovely for Dgc to have lots of space, perhaps we can stay over now you have more room etc.

Your parents are bonkers. They are not normal. Controlling and jealous. Sorry it's this way. Just ignore and do not feed it

Block them and don't tell them where you live.

Make sure you are ex directory.

I'm sorry, I hope this is a clean break.

They are beyond unreasonable op, they sound totally unhinged. 30 mins is really local even if you don't have cars and need to catch a bus. I would advise keeping them both at arms length from now on. No doubt a few weeks without contact will help you realise just how toxic they really were! X

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5424323/who-sends-from-this-po-box-address

No, @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts, Royal Mail will not tell people what the destination of a PO Box is.

Exactly, @rockpoolingtogether , their behavior is batshit and nasty.

I suggest you get a Ring doorbell so if they do track you down, you can't be taken by surprise and answer the bell to find them standing there. They sound toxic! Good luck with the move, the new house and garden sound great.

If anyone told me they’d make false allegations about me, I’d certainly not be having any guilt feelings.

as another poster said, 35 minutes isn’t enough

Why feel guilty? You know perfectly well that, for anyone who wants to have a relationship with their grandchildren, a 30 minute journey is absolutely nothing. Plus, of course, I imagine that currently there's a massive question mark over whether you actually want a relationship anyway. Just ignore the idiots.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I'd be tempted to reply "Decision made" and block them.

My own parents live a 45 minute drive away. We see them most weekends. My DH's parents live walking distance from us and the other day saw my dd for the first time in almost a year. They're far too far up my SIL and her kid's arses to even realise that they're missing out on my amazing dd and I'm too busy enjoying my amazing dd to give a shit.

It's not like you're moving to the other side of the planet. Your parents will keep in touch if they really care. Refuse to be sucked into their mopey, melodrama. Can't stand manipulative, self-indulgent people like this especially when it's their own kids they're trying to pull their crap on

35 minutes… is it far enough?

Honestly OP, they are toxic and deranged.

Of course you are not unreasonable.

I read your other post too. The sooner you cut these nasty cruel abusers out of yours and your child’s life the better off you will be x

Same here, Mid Norfolk, there are 3 Waitroses nearer than a decent sized Asda and certainly Sainsbury's is a fair trek. Ikea needs a whole day out too.

Distance does not make or break relationslips with children or grandchildren.
Toxic relations do.

You have a new start for your family...hold firm.... you do not need these leeches in your life.

They are completely ridiculous. I live 30 mins from my mom & nan and they both have a great relationship with my son. Although effort needs to be made from both sides but if they're unwilling to do that it's on them.

Ignore. They will try and throw everything but the kitchen sink at you to try and break you down, and stop you going. It's spiteful, cruel and extremely selfish which begs the question do you really want to expose your DC to people like that? Even if they are family. And doing it all via texting is so childish and petty. Real adults meet face to face and talk it through and sort it out.

As for the '30 minutes away' it's just laughable. My Mum used to live in the same town as us, but it often took more than 30 minutes for her to drive to us, if the traffic was heavy. My in-laws lived over 3 hours away but still enjoyed a happy, relaxed relationship with our DCs because, you know, they were normal, sensible adults.

Why so close? Usually I’m all for being tolerant of elderly parents’ ways ( and there’s always two sides to a story) but they sound really hostile. I had a wonderful relationship with my maternal grandparents, and they lived in France.

Based on this, I don't even think you loved away far enough. Ignore them and move on with your life.