Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

Gosh they’re lucky - our grandkids are an hour an a half away along busy motorways but we manage really well and I know we’re not the only ones. It’s your life so live it. Parents have to accept whatever path in life their offspring choose, painful though that may be for them at times.

I live 25 minutes from my Dad, we see him pretty much every Sunday and oftentimes at other points in the week - especially in school breaks. My kids love him and have a fab relationship - just as good as the one they have with my in-laws who live 5 minutes away.

A relationship isn’t contingent on time and distance, it’s about the effort everyone puts in x

You shouldn't move 35 mins away. You should move a few hours away and go NC. They are toxic and ruining your mental health and making wild threats that are truly awful for you and your child.

The best thing you can do is move and don’t look back. I’d not want people like that given the smallest chance to treat my child the way they did to me

Please go ahead with your plans and move! I also think you should keep a record of the abuse in case they ever try those false allegations of neglect etc. So do make screenshots etc. Maybe it would be good to report them to a person of confidence so there is an official record of the abuse. Wishing you all the best and a great new start ❤️‍🩹

Are you kidding? There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about you moving. In fact for the sake of your family it seems it is something you must do. Your mother and step father sound absolutely awful. How controlling and manipulative to complain like this when you’re only moving 30 minutes away. That’s very close by. I’m surprised you’re on moving 30 minutes away given what you’ve said about their toxicity.

From reading your post my immediate question why on earth only 30 mins.

You do not want nor need this toxicity around your child. They are abusive people.

I would move 3 hours away and not tell them where I was going and remove any chance of them causing the same trauma to your child that they've inflicted on you.

I mean this post in the kindest possible way . I am sorry you have parents like this but you do not have to put up with it. If they were not bloody related to you, would you let these people anywhere near your child?? Just something to think about. I hope it all works out for you 🙏

Holy F* @housemoveproblems

I'm at a loss for words about what they say to you. Carry on and live your life. You deserve to be happy and at peace with your family. 🩷

YANBU. Not even a little bit.

Your parents sound unhinged. Do not back down. You are doing what is right for you and your child and that will never be the wrong decision.

Just be warned that after you move the comments for a time will get worse. I speak from experience - we moved closer to my parents when DCs were under school age. Granted that was 200+ miles but my MIL told my DCs, who were 4 and 1 at the time that we had kidnapped them to take them away from her.

Wowsers. 35 mins 🙄. My mum lives 4.5 hours away and my dad lives abroad. They both have a fantastic relationship with my children.

I would message. Don't be so ridiculous you can visit once a week

Write to them to tell them the reasons you are moving and that they will be welcome to visit. If they chose not to, that's on them and move on.

I think you missed the part where her parents verbally abuse her and her spouse. She should move faaar away.

Honestly it sounds like they are very toxic, I doubt I would have any communication with them in the future and probably wouldn’t communicate at all until after I had done the thing I was telling them about I.e. move house. Just ignore them, block as you have and get on with your life. This is controlling and abusive behaviour and you don’t want to put your DS through what you have grown up with. They won’t change. Sorry OP, you don’t need this. Personally I would be moving more than 35 minutes away, I would be across the country away from them.

This. Now they realise they make be losing control of you and your children. Remember your not just doing this for you mental health but it's imperative you do this for your children. No doubt it won't be long before they start emotionally abusing them. After they've properly broken you.
Keep your eyes fixed on the prize. This is all part of their abuse. And they will escalate because they won't be able to control you anymore.
Block them emotionally and keep moving forward. Good luck! Your v. Strong

I would be moving a hell of a lot further than 35 mins away from these toxic, abusive arseholes. And keeping them permanently blocked!!

You know there are some people that you will never please.
Go ahead with your move and send them a Christmas card with a family photo and yr new address and take it from there. Good luck 💐

It sounds as though your M and SF don't enrich your lives at all - just drag it down. Life is too short to try to maintain a relationship with rotten, controlling arseholes. Move and be free.

Your son is (hopefully) never going to have a positive and close relationship with these people because they are emotionally abusive and incapable of forming such a relationship. Where you live is neither here nor there, ther only thing at stake is you and your family’s happiness (including your son’s). Get the help away from them and don’t YOU get back in touch. Create firm boundaries, stick to them religiously, and seek therapy to work through the issues they have left you with. In short - live your best life. If you are to do that they aren’t going to be a big part of it.

The hell (not the help!)

They both sound unhinged
my parents are the other side of the country

You should definitely move. I wouldn't give them my new address. You don't need negative people in your life, even if they are family.

What is your husband's opinion? Doesn't he just want to get away from them?

This is insane. My parents live almost 4hrs away and my sister lives in another country! The grandkids have great relationships with their grandparents, distance means nothing and 30 mins is nothing. Your parents are being utterly ridiculous and controlling. Stand your ground, enjoy your new house.

Hi,
I don’t know if there’s an option to private message on this forum but if there is then wow - we could chat for days! My mum is very similar!!
Firstly, do you think your mother is a narcissist? If so then download and listen to ‘Your not crazy - It’s your mother’ by Danu Morgan, this book was a revelation to me. I don’t use the practices it suggests but it helped me recognise and come to terms with a lot of the behaviour very specific to this type of person and has helped me see through a lot of things that would have caused problems if I couldn’t spot them.
Secondly, as an ex family law paralegal I will tell you (although I’m sure you’ve read it or been told already!) that grandparents have no rights when it comes to going to court for custody - even in extreme cases they have to fight tooth and nail and really have a reason to displace a child from a parent and place them with a grandparent - we are talking obvious, well documented abuse! It sounds like you got the help you needed and are doing much better - the fact you sought help and are open and regularly in touch with professionals about his needs will show any court that you are doing your job as a mum.
Thirdly, it sounds like space is what you need from this woman. What does she bring to your life that you need her to be in it so frequently? - if you struggle to answer that then cut down contact slowly over time, just respond to texts slower, prioritise the next thing you need to do for you and baby over replying to her and answering her calls (even if she pesters). Would you still take her shit if she weren’t your mum? If she were just an old friend? Chances are you’ll say no, and the old ‘blood is thicker than water’ quote (the original one, not the often misquoted one!) springs to mind for me!
You have already taken a major step recognising and asking for help, especially as a mum being told the services will take your child (your mother really does sound like a piece of work!), keep on prioritising you, your child, your partner, your marriage, pour yourself into your new home and the garden you know your baby will love. I fear this woman will always be a stain on your life, if I were you I’d start employing tactics to ensure it’s a small stain you can hide under a rug… not one that means the whole carpet is ruined!!
xx