"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

[123bumblebee]

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

So she told you it would be served at 4 and then wasn't served until 6:30? Or did she invite you to a BBQ at 4? Because if someone asked me tona BBQ and told me to be it started at 4 I wouldn't expect to eat at 4.

If I was invited to a bbq at 4, I wouldn’t expect to eat immediately as early as 4.

I’d normally expect food to be served within one hour of the stated start or arrival time. 4pm is an odd time for a meal normally but not unusual for a barbecue. I’d have expected the food around 5 in that scenario. why tell you to come at 4 if food isn’t planned until later? YANBU

No told food would be served at 4pm so we arrived a few hours before as requested.

For context, I highly suspect I have ASD. Just no-one in the 90s considered that a girl with intense obsessions with things, taught themselves to read before going to school, had huge sensory issues and struggled with friendships could be ASD! So I do struggle with last-minute changes and figuring out social norms.

what was the wording used? Come round for 4, or I will be serving food at 4pm?

Take food for your LO so you don't have to worry about other people's unreliable timing

I’m afraid that I have never served food at the planned time for any guests! For a barbecue I would not expect the time to be rigid. However, if I had arrived hours earlier and still waiting for the food at 6.30 I might have thought about leaving just to buy different food, for myself as well as the kids!

You don't need to have ASD to be annoyed by this.

Toddlers needs fairly standardized routines. People without toddlers seem to either not appreciate it or forget the need for routine.

I now do two things that being peace and zen to my life.

1. Bring lunch or dinner plus snacks for DD wherever we go even if it is allegedly being provided. I don't care about wasting a meal for the convenience it gives me.

1. I run on my schedule. You want to turn up at 2 - cool. dd is asleep and we have had lunch. Here are some crisps and I can make a sandwich is you are hungry.

Sad you can't see DD? That's a shame you need to wait until she wakes up. Annoyed you missed lunch? Maybe turn up on time...

If you were my daughter I wouldn't expect the BBQ to be ready at 4 pm but I would have something ready for my grandchild to eat whenever they were ready for it and I'd have snacks in for those who wanted something to eat at 4 pm.

We soon learned to bring food for small dc when travelling with them. Even with the best will in the world so many people do not understand that toddlers can't just wait for food or stay up late.

But as it's your mother, why didn't you just speak up, 'mum, can I make a piece of toast for Florence, she's hungry.' Or 'what time is the barbie being lit, I need to sort Florence out with food soon'

I think that's helpful to be aware of. It's ok to ask for clarity op - next time you could just say great well get there at 2 - any idea what sort of time you plan to do the food so I know whether to do a big lunch/bring snacks for dd or not - totally reasonable question for a little one.

I came with food for her just in case but us adults were going to end up with no food as we’d have to leave to go to the hotel where the restaurant was fully booked and no chance of having food in the room as even sneaking to the bathroom for a wee wakes my daughter up.

I did say we were going to have to leave to get food and my mother made it out like I would be “making a fuss” even though I just quietly would’ve slipped away without making it a big deal.

Sorry, it was a family members BBQ my mum wasn’t hosting. I would’ve just made myself a sandwich at mums!

I don't think it's you, it's your family that has a problem. I completely understand why the food wouldn't be ready at 4 but then don't give that time in the first place.
In the situation with your brother, I wouldn't have waited for him.

What do I do though when they confirm 4pm but then it’s not?

People without small children just don’t really understand. It’s very frustrating but it’s not forever. Just make sure you always have snacks and stick to your guns routine wise. Ignore any comments, they aren’t the ones dealing with a cranky overtired toddler. Your brother was extremely rude to turn up so late.

I wouldn't ever expect to be served a meal at 4pm because 4pm isn't a mealtime. It's way too late for lunch and way too early for dinner.

eat before you go so your family aren't arriving hungry, bring a hamper of extra food in case it's needed. Leave the party whenever it suits you.

Oh you were just like me at school! Except I didn’t teach myself to read.

Also YANBU to expect people to do the things they say they will do!

I would often take a small packed lunch with me on occasions like this. Some people are just more relaxed about time and when you don't have small kids you quickly forget the need for routine!

Re people visiting me, as a PP said, just stick to your plans, no keeping baby awake etc.

I serve food at the time I tell people I’m going to serve food, so I generally expect the same. Unless I’m in Greece or somewhere with its own rules on time.

4pm isn’t a weird time for a barbecue meal, or a wedding breakfast, or Christmas dinner. Some meals have their own bizarre timings and aren’t served at standard mealtimes (but given people in the UK eat anywhere between 5pm and 9pm, there isn’t really a standard dinner time).

I’d just travel with food in future, or leave without mentioning it. Sneak out.

For the Bbq I wouldn't have expected food at 4pm, it's presumably more the time they wanted you to turn up, but I would have anticipated it being ready from about 530 onwards.

Your DB was being a dick, no one who turns up at 2.30 pm should expect lunch.

No told food would be served at 4pm so we arrived a few hours before as requested.
It's not you OP. You just belong to a twattish family. Sorry.

In future just go and visit, take food out of it altogether. Take your own or eat first and go visit later. Takes the fuck on out of it and the weird control thing that strange family members like to pull.