"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

[123bumblebee]

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

If your child isn't actually on a strict schedule after all and you had brought food with you, I don't understand what the problem was.

You were a bit silly not to eat a reasonable lunch beforehand. I expect the other people did, which is why the food got pushed back to closer to a normal dinner time.

@WeMustGetOffTheMountain mostly because people have been making up their own story about what happened and drawing their conclusions from there.

Fair enough. I get your frustrations with that, just take from it that you know not to take their timings as gospel next time and plan for LO to eat earlier if needed,

Reading what you wrote, sounds like your family loves to control peoples time.

So in the future either be ready to feed your child when you need to, or just do not engage.

I don't understand why you had to leave early . Why didn't you give dd the food you had brought and put her to bed in your mum's house then at around 10/11pm put her in car and drive to hotel and carry inside . ( I have had toddlers/pre school children's continuously since the late 90's) I am also autistic with asd children so yes I need routine but I and they have to adapt sometimes.

Agree with this. I've never been to a barbeque where there weren't tons of snacks as starters. Usually chips and dips, veggie trays, etc. Also, usually there are at least hot dogs on hand for little ones that usually get popped on the grill early to appease the kids or even popped in the microwave if the grill isn't ready. I've never heard of people being so ignorant to what time children eat. Hint- you should always have something on hand to feed them quickly as soon as they get cranky. You could bring something yourself to be on the safe side, but this host should have had provided something if they knew a toddler was among the guest list!

When my kids were small I got used to people's inconsistencies and just took snacks and drinks.It does t hurt for their routines to be different occasionally . Sometimes it's that, or you don't get to go anywhere. Sometimes dinner takes longer to cook than expected, barbecues tend to have a mind of their own.

I agree with you OP. If the invitation was for 4, I would have expected food to be for then, or at least some snacks until the BBQ was ready.
My DM used to invite me to 'Sunday Dinner' and ask me to get there at 12 noon, and then say that they weren't eating until 2.30 or 4pm. When you are up at 6.30 am with toddlers that is a long wait for lunch. Like your DM she could never understand what the issue was.

Definitely a miscommunication because it went through two people before getting to the OP - likely that the original message was BBQ from 4pm - meaning come around 4pm and food will follow - within the next hour or so most people don't eat at 4pm.

OP's Mum who passed on the message didn't want her family to be late so stressed the 4pm time - or had misunderstood and thought food would be available from 4pm.

Either way if it had been me I'd still have eaten something substantial at lunchtime because going all the way from breakfast to 4pm is hard when you are in charge of a toddler.

If someone told me to come for noon for a Sunday dinner I wouldn't expect to eat until 1pm at the earliest.

In our family - you arrive, say hello and catch up with everyone, have some drinks and nibbles etc.

It gives everyone time to arrive plus the cook time to do a little pre meal socialising etc before being stuck in the kitchen.

If someone told me they were having a BBQ on Saturday and to come for 4pm - I'd assume it was for dinner so main food would be at dinner time - 6pm or later.

Normally there'd be loads of pre-dinner snacks and food around at a BBQ though.

I'm autistic, diagnosed at 34! Yes this is partly your autism. It's very difficult to understand why people don't do what they say or say what they are going to do. I became much more aware of these things after having DS1. I think the solution is to ask what the plan is, if people can't use direct language you have to be a bit more direct and just ask. If timings don't work for you or you DD a simple " sorry that doesn't work for us" . My DH fell out with his Dad recently ,as his Dad insisted that DH knows that " we always eat at 1". Both DH and his Dad are very likely to be on the spectrum too. It's difficult. My only solution is to ask and be direct when organising plans. I have no idea why it's better to do it the NT way and have invisible rules, and not say what you mean, or mean what you say. There are more of them than us though 🤣

How odd to eat your main meal at 4 I'd take food for baby and expect a meal around 6 or 7 can't baby sleep anywhere?

I agree. Always sensible with small children in tow when out visiting. That way you always have food to hand.

I'm imagining you sat in silence in your hotel room with nothing to do for 12 hours solid this sounds like you've made a rod for your own back and for babies as they grow babies don't need silence and darkness unless you train them to need it.

I think when you have such young children you need routine and your mom should understand that. You have to plan your life around your child’s mealtimes and sleep schedule so I do think your mom is being out of order on this one.

Our son likes total darkness and silence to sleep and never slept in the car seat or pushchair as a baby / toddler. Nothing we did. Funnily enough all kids are different, just like all adults are different.

I’m the type to graze regularly and get ancy if hungry.

Personally I wouldn’t have reduced or skipped my earlier meal, and if relatively full, would have eaten a smaller portion at the BBQ. Everyone happy and I don’t get ancy…

When hosting a party or BBQ food would normally be served after everyone has been there for a while. If they said to be there for 4 I'd expect food maybe between 5-6.30 ish. That way everyone has had time to catch up with each other and have a drink. Also there's always a few people running late.

I’ve just discovered that I have ADHD. I’m 46 and it explains a lot to me! I’m a bit of an upfront person. I’m not a nasty vibe at all, I just can’t always screen my thoughts before they become words so sometimes whatever I say could be seen as inappropriate, confrontational, legendary lol 😂😉

When I saw there was no food, I would have said something like: I’m really sorry mum but we can’t stay long. We’re going to pop off and get some food while the hour is good so DC doesn’t get too disgruntled. Then when she fussed I’d say No it’s ok, it’s just after the drive and everything; I’m sure you said the food would be cooking around now so it’s ok but we’re hungry so we’re going to get something to eat.

I hope you enjoyed the rest of your time with your fsmily

if I’m invited for a meal and they say turn up at 1 I will know lunch will be later and the same for dinner . I think this is common knowledge and altough you say you are not being precious about your toddler , the reality is you are . My suggestion ys ask people when will the meal start and then you will have more notion ?

In our family the children always come first. If it looks like a meal will be too late or otherwise badly timed for a child we make sure they can eat first/separately ánd at least one adult will sit with the child(ren) for company. I thought this was how things are done in every family 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't know about others OP. But my life truly revolves around my 6 months old baby and 2 year old son. If there were any gatherings in my house or in others house, I would make precise note of timings to make sure my kids are fed on time. Normally when we go out to someone's house I would make food ready for kids and feed them as soon as we reach, so kids will be fed on time and there is no pressure to others to get things ready on time. But if someone is coming to our house, we suggest a time that suits kids but if they are late we would feed kids on their designated times.

123bumblebee · 21/10/2023 00:03
*@Cammac your post was rude. I don’t expect anyone to pander to my child. I had food for her just in case, as I always do and like any reasonable parent does.

I had planned our day around a time and was hungry myself having skipped a normal amount of lunch in order to not be rudely full for food at the time I had been told.

My child will always be fed. I can advocate for her. But I struggle to advocate for myself, maybe blame ?ASD and to look after my basic needs if it means having to put my head above the parapet and make a fuss.

I struggle in a world where I’m supposed to double and triple check what people say vs. What they mean. I’m already struggling with social norms and fitting in and things like this just totally throw me because I have taken them in good faith that what I was told is true.

I can be reasonable. I know things don’t always run to time but this seemed a bit extreme!

thank you to everyone trying to explain to me that what I heard was wrong, but I truly and utterly was told to turn up earlier and food would be served at 4pm. Maybe I should’ve queried it, but as the mum of a toddler my brain is fried and I’ve lost sense of what a socially normal time to eat is when toddler dinner is 5pm everyday*

I wasn’t rude to you. I simply stated parents are responsible for their own child’s comfort and routine. You say you had food for your D.C. Which was not mentioned in your OP. Your whole post is centred on your toddler being grumpy and upset because she usually eats at 5.

Now I have no idea what you’re complaining about. You were invited to a BBQ. Asked to turn up at 4pm and then YOU had to wait for food?

As for feeling put out because some people don’t stick, rigidly, to original plans (or the plans you think they made) you’d best get used to it. Normal life doesn’t run like clockwork. And nobody is going to put the needs of yourself or your child ahead of anyone else.

No, most people do not have flexibility in their day. Most people have to work or go to the doctor or care for children. Everyone knows this. Some people will go to ridiculous lengths to insist they're right!

Not sure what people's work routines or doctor's appointments have to do with a non working day where everyone's primary activity is a BBQ, tbh.

In any case, the OP has now said her child's routine isn't rigid and she had food with her so I'm not sure what the actual problem here is.