"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

[123bumblebee]

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

No, the OP wasn't asked to turn up at 4! She was told the food was at 4 and was there a couple of hours earlier! Why do so many people miss that information!

@jannier I used to have that opinion too pre-children. And you must be very lucky if your children are able to sleep through anything. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to raise a child with lots of noise around her that she is able to sleep through, even from tiny my DD has been a tricky sleeper. I used to only have to drop an item on the floor in the other side of the house and she would wake instantly and scream. When I was on my hands and knees with sleep deprivation and PPD from trying to force her into what I thought her sleep should look like, rather than what preferences she was demonstrating to me, I gave in and followed her cues. And do you know what? I now have a toddler who mostly sleeps through and is so much happier with naps.

So thank you for your unhelpful advice, as if I haven't spent many hours agonising over my child's sleep. Consider yourself lucky if haven't had this problem and perhaps consider not everyone's experiences are the same as yours.

@GrammarTeacher Thank you. So very infuriating to be constantly told I was wrong about the information I was given by people who can't even read the thread properly.

Going to step away now. Grateful for all the helpful advice given, particularly those with ASD or who can understand my difficulties. It's not a nice place to be having to constantly check yourself against social norms and standards and trying to second guess what people say vs. what they mean. It's exhausting.

Being this ridiculous with time is also an ASD symptom. It’s possible both your Mum and DB have it - I have ADHD and can’t organise anything on time.

It's tricky because meals are often served later than planned when there are guests, usually because people aren't used to cooking for bigger numbers so the prep takes longer, or they got distracted talking to guests, often having a few drinks etc. Usually that's not a big deal but with toddlers obviously it is, especially if you then have to leave in time for bedtime.

I think sometimes I am almost rude going into someone's kitchen and checking what they are doing and whether it will be ready on time, I try to dress it up as offering to help with peeling and chopping etc! If I don't have to leave I take my own food for my children but it's tricky if there's a deadline for getting away.

We had a recent family holiday where we took it in turns to cook and every night people were still in the pub at 5 pm before coming back to cook some elaborate recipe for 14 that then wasn't ready until 9 pm, expressing surprise that it took 7x as long to do some fiddly thing for 7x more people than normal... at least I could feed my kids and put them to bed though!

I think I would probably avoid going if this is a repeated issue, or plan some contingency in case it happens.... as others said it's only a short while, in a year or 2 your child will get more flexible about bed times and you can bung them a bag of crisps and a cake and they'll be happy until dinner's ready and sthen stay up a bit later with no bother.

As for the brother turning up 2,5 hours late, I would just eat and save him some, he ought to be apologetic about being so late.

I don't think autism has much of a bearing here!

No-one eats at 4 do they? I would assume you were arriving at 4 and eat at dinner time

My experience is that it's the opposite...parents who are obsessive about slience and darkness have become that way because their children will only sleep in those conditions.

Some parents who have a child who sleeps through anything fondly imagine it's down to their excellent parenting rather than just good luck!

The post was about the child needing to go to bed, not being grumpy due to hunger. The OP stated that she was told to arrive before 4, ready to eat at 4. There is no mention of the child's usual mealtime at all. Why start arguing if you don't even bother to read it properly/just make stuff up that the OP didn't even say???

The last bit I kind of agree with, experience has taught me that people are often late with providing food, I do think the OP's family should have been a bit more understanding considering the needs of her child though, my own family always would, as they care a lot about their grandchildren/nephews, although I wouldn't expect the same consideration from friend without kids.

@WillowCraft

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm

Theres an awful lot of mention about the time a meal was (or not) served in original post. “The host didn’t even light the BBQ until gone 5pm”. Wow! What a terrible host! I mean what was she thinking when OP was hungry and her dd needed everyone pandering to her bedtime 🙄

At least OP’s mother has a grasp on reality

The OP stated that she arrived a couple of hours earlier and had been told that food would be served at 4.
Like the OP when I am told a time, I assume that is correct. Like when I am told a party starts at a time that's when I arrive, not half an hour later.
Why don't people say what they mean??

123bumblebee, for what it's worth I don't think you have ASD, you have a crazy family who are very vague. That doesn't mean you have a medical condition!

@Maddy70 - the OP was told to arrive at 2pm for food at 4pm. I might question 4pm but two hours from arrival to food sounds about right. For a bbq when food often arrives in dribs and drabs - rather than everything being ready at once, I’d sort of expect first wave of cooked food to be out at 4 then more things arrive over the next couple of hours.

if you told people to arrive at 2 for food at 4 and by 7 you’d still not sorted anything - that’s pretty rubbish.

OP - there does seem to be an issue with timings in your family. Do they all have unrealistic ideas about how long things take - from cooking food to driving distances etc?

I have toddlers. They eat at 4:30pm as they go to bed at 5:30pm. Because they wake up at 5:30am. So that’s the ONLY way they get enough sleep. If they go to bed at 7/8/9pm, they’ll still wake up at 5:30am.

My in-laws, parents and friends always offer to do dinners/bbqs at that time. We are happy to sort ourselves out we don’t put any pressure on them fitting around that kind of crazy routine, but they always offer. So I guess it’s down to particular individuals, some are clearly not bothered and some clearly are

I'm not sure I agree. If you had to put your child to bed at a more normal bedtime (for example, because you worked), they would just have to adjust. They wouldn't keep waking up at 5:30am anyway even if they were chronically tired.

I couldn't be doing with putting my child to bed at 5:30pm and getting up at 5:30am even if I didn't work, but since I do work it's not even remotely an option.

Negative, my friend, we tried for months. We added naps, we had the groclock, we had black out blinds, we did everything.

thankfully for you, you don’t have to be putting up with it 😂 I personally enjoy having my full evening back, but I know that’s just down to personal preference, however don’t insult my intelligence though by presuming I’ve not done enough to change it. 😚