"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

[123bumblebee]

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

But then why would anyone say “food at 4pm”? I’m NT and generally if someone says something is happening at X time I expect it to happen at that time, regardless of my personal mealtime preference – especially since these can clearly be so varied. My MIL eats her dinner at 5pm, my European housemates were always 9 or 10pm, my preference is 7.30pm, small children schedules are the Wild West.

I would assume there must be a miscommunication as ansolutely no one has dinner at 4pm. Maybe be you interpreted this as dinner served but they interpreted it as turn up, I know if someone said to me ‘4pm for dinner’, I’d say ‘yes, 4pm’, thinking they would turn up around 4pm, time for greeting, chat, drinks, nibbles and the BBQ would be fired up 6/6.30ish.

I’ve had kids so understand their eating patterns but no child, be it toddler, young child, older child I’ve had or known has eaten dinner at 4pm.

@spitefulandbadgrammar

I have no idea who feeds their child what when they leave nursery. Mine always had a snack - Half a sandwich, veg sticks or whatever at 4pm as toddlers or when they came home from school. We all ate together at dinner.

You think your child is fine with a snack or “light tea” aka snack at 4pm and a yogurt before bed. You know your D.C. Op knows her D.C. she is upset that the host didn’t feed her dc at a time that suits D.C. and OP. Ultimately OP is responsible for making sure her child’s basic needs are met. Nobody else!

I don't know, maybe they didn't think their statements were contractually binding?

Maybe they thought they'd serve food at 4pm but none of their other guests were actually hungry at that time because they'd eaten lunch three hours earlier. You really want them to cook 20 burgers at 4pm when no one else is hungry just because the parents of a toddler want everything to happen exactly as planned?

Real life is less rigid than this.

Most toddlers' schedules are actually less rigid than this.

@Cammac Light tea and snack are two different things. “HTH”!

But then why would anyone say “food at 4pm”?

Again, because none would comprehend that. I’d say ‘yep, food at 4pm’, meaning, come at 4pm with the intent you will subsequently be fed food (as opposed to just coming over for drinks), but it wouldn’t mean food served at 4pm.

@MargotBamborough As host I’d certainly expect to communicate clearly to my guests if the plan changed: “no one’s hungry yet, right? Shall we fire the barbecue up later and eat at 7? Everyone OK for a drink?” And then the onus is on OP to say “Actually toddler is hungry, have you got some cheese/soup/toast she can have as we’ll need her in bed by the time you’re eating.” It just sounds like no one actually communicated, which makes it harder for OP to speak up.

So the takeaway from this thread is that what you would expect and what you would do is not necessarily the same as what other people would expect or do.

OP is capable of saying, "Toddler is hungry, can she have something to eat?" at 4pm whether the host has said anything or not.

@HoppingPavlova But why on earth not say what you mean? I don’t know anyone who does this. If my friends want us there for 4pm but food is later, they’ll say to come at 4pm to hang out and we’ll have food later. I can see why OP is baffled, I am too, and I’m coming at it from a NT perspective.

The takeaway is that you appear to have missed that OP suspects ASD, she struggles with unspoken rules and last-minute changes, and may well not be capable of this.

Of course what I expect/do doesn’t tally with everyone in the world, but I’m very glad my friends and family communicate clearly instead of this weird game of “let’s do this at 4pm! But not really!”

That's why it's useful for her to have started this thread and got a range of responses.

It will allow her to change her expectations, which is the only thing that is within her control. Other people's behaviour isn't, whether it is reasonable or not.

I'm so lucky to know the people I do, friends and family. We always cater for kids - and by that I mean have something ready early because kids work on different time. 4pm is early for adults but may not be for kids. I have never, ever been invited to anyone's home that didn't have anything ready for kids to eat. If it was my mum and it was being hosted in a family members home, my mum would have made something before hand just not only for my kids but anyone else's whose kids are there. Yanbu, your mum was so ugly to mock you over something that's perfectly normal.

It sounds like a miscommunication. My friend recently invited me for a bbq and said "turn up at 4 for food", what he actually meant was "turn up at 4, there will be food served not just drinks so don't plan tea". Since the OP has said she suggests ASD, she has just interpreted it wrong. Easily done, ASD or not.

OP, I would suggest in future saying "what time will food be out as I could do with knowing whether to bring something for LO to nibble while he waits". Or just take some food for LO anyway in case the same thing happens again. You were not being unreasonable to expect the food at 4, as that is how you had interpreted the offer. However, an easy fix would have been to just fix LO something to eat and take it as a learning curve for next time.

spitefulandbadgrammar · Today 11:44

@Cammac Light tea and snack are two different things. “HTH”!

If you don’t know the difference between a meal and a snack there is no point engaging with you. Have a good day

Is a scotch egg a meal or a snack?

🙃

I would assume there must be a miscommunication as ansolutely no one has dinner at 4pm

My parents often eat at 4pm at the weekend, so I don’t think it can be said absolutely no one does this. And they did it right through my childhood (I remember being starving and having to wait), so not a new thing.

And as a NT adult I would be annoyed to be told food would be served at 4pm and then it not arrive for another couple of hours. I don’t get this whole adults and children should be flexible thing - I need food at regular intervals. Fortunately in my social circle people say stuff and then mean it.

I'd probably assume a miscommunication somewhere as 4pm would be a very early dinner for the vast majority of people.

@Cammac your post was rude. I don’t expect anyone to pander to my child. I had food for her just in case, as I always do and like any reasonable parent does.

I had planned our day around a time and was hungry myself having skipped a normal amount of lunch in order to not be rudely full for food at the time I had been told.

My child will always be fed. I can advocate for her. But I struggle to advocate for myself, maybe blame ?ASD and to look after my basic needs if it means having to put my head above the parapet and make a fuss.

I struggle in a world where I’m supposed to double and triple check what people say vs. What they mean. I’m already struggling with social norms and fitting in and things like this just totally throw me because I have taken them in good faith that what I was told is true.

I can be reasonable. I know things don’t always run to time but this seemed a bit extreme!

thank you to everyone trying to explain to me that what I heard was wrong, but I truly and utterly was told to turn up earlier and food would be served at 4pm. Maybe I should’ve queried it, but as the mum of a toddler my brain is fried and I’ve lost sense of what a socially normal time to eat is when toddler dinner is 5pm everyday!

Honestly, me and my family always eat later than we 'plan' to. For that reason we always say 'ish' next to every invite, unless we've booked a restaurant. In short, you would hate us 😅

Thank you for those shoe have read my posts, to clarify:

I always take food for my toddler with me

It wasn’t my mother hosting

I don’t have strict schedule for my child, she eats with me anywhere from 5-6.30pm and bedtime equally anywhere from 7-8.15pm on some nights

She doesn’t sleep in the pram

We didn’t have a travel cot (the hotel provided one)

I was told food at 4pm, had travelled a long way to get there and had turned up a few hours earlier as requested. It was a farewell do for a relative who is moving to another country (not one I will ever be able to afford to travel to) so to those saying I shouldn’t have gone for a few hours, i wanted to as this was possibly the last time I will see them.

Thank you for the kind help given.

@123bumblebee

If I'm told to arrive at a place by time A and food will be served at time B I believe what I'm told and arrange travel accordingly. I allow for 30mins or so delay on food being delayed but will probably start being anxious if it's 2.5hrs past the time I was told I'd be eating because I need to eat at regular intervals. You have not done anything wrong.

And your brother would have been lucky to get a sandwich if he turned up so very late for a meal - I certainly wouldn't have waited for him that long. 🌹

My friend recently invited me for a bbq and said "turn up at 4 for food", what he actually meant was "turn up at 4, there will be food served not just drinks so don't plan tea"

Exactly, as this is normal turn of phrase. I’d bet it was something like this and OP has interpreted as good will be served at 4pm. When obviously not, as no one eats at 4pm. It’s not a late lunch. It’s not an early dinner. It’s not a thing.

Is a scotch egg a meal or a snack?

You’re the parent. You decide where a scotch egg fits with your dc daily diet of 3 meals and 2/3 snacks.

You can throw dc a bag of Monster Munch and a can of Coke and call it breakfast if you wish 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was a Covid joke.

I'll never understand why people post on AIBU to then have a wobbler when anyone says they are! Why post on here? If you were simply wanting clarification that your expectations should have been met, then I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. I tried to post a very balanced reply, but you don't seem to be wanting to take on board anything anyone has to say. Which will ultimately lead to a repeat of these feelings the next time someone invites you somewhere.