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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

215 replies

123bumblebee · 19/10/2023 20:36

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 19/10/2023 21:37

Do your family normally eat at 4? Mine has really regular meal times so 1pm & 8pm. So if I was invited for 4 I would know I wouldn't get food!

I remember going to a friends when I was young and no Sunday lunch til 3pm. I was very hungry and bemused.

Nowherenew · 19/10/2023 21:58

If someone is travelling then I personally wouldn’t have food ready for the time they arrived, as quite often people arrive later than planned.

But I too would be a bit annoyed if food was meant to be served around 4 but it wasn’t until 6:30.

sprigatito · 19/10/2023 22:08

YANBU about the food, but more importantly, as a fellow undiagnosed-but-blindingly-obvious autistic woman, I sympathise that you have a mother who laughs at you and makes no effort to accommodate your needs. You wouldn't be unreasonable here even if you weren't autistic, but the fact that you are makes her behaviour even more horrible.

Hotchocolatemousse · 19/10/2023 22:11

I come from a culture where 1pm lunch usually means 3pm so I always took food with me for the kids. I'd feed my kids a light sandwich lunch before getting to the in laws. I also kept snacks in the car in case of an emergency.

wafflingworrier · 19/10/2023 22:11

I find with young kids people either get it or they don't.
I used to bring a packed meal for my children whenever we visited any of his family as they just didn't get it. Saved a lot of hassle, and I got less angry at them that way because I knew my children would be OK.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/10/2023 22:19

The first Christmas that DH was round at DM's she said that she'd have Christmas lunch ready for 1pm... I warned him to have a good breakfast to tide him over until 3pm. My family are all hopeless at estimating such timings so any estimates are best taken with a large pinch of salt. At least they are predictably off plan though.

4pm is a weird time to eat, neither hungry enough after lunch, and early enough that you still need a dinner anyway. It's not a mainstream time to cater for and would inconvenience most people. DS had allergies so I always kept a long-life baby ready meal in the changing bag so he had something safe to eat. It sounds like you need a similar strategy.

MermaidMummy06 · 19/10/2023 22:24

We've learned to eat something small before we go & always carry a few snacks (and sandwiches if travelling) just in case.

We have a few 'hosts' who fluff about and you don't eat until hours later than the stated time, or there's not enough food.

Doing this has saved us grief many times.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/10/2023 22:25

Op if they confirm it's 4pm and it's not I would ask if the child can have some food like 'can I quickly make a sandwich or dd will have a hangry meltdown' if you feel comfortable. If not you'd have to give them something that you'd brought along. Or leave. This would get the message across.

Themerrygoround · 19/10/2023 22:27

Told by my mother 21 years ago that Xmas dinner was 4pm I turned up at hers just before and she wasn’t dressed and potatoes weren’t on . !!!!
It ended up and argument and my ds and I ate fish fingers chips and peas, I vowed never to be in that situation again . I think we ate there twice after that situation.

Some people think watering is important others don’t.
I do abs I also think the social aspect around food is important .

One of the two other times dinner was served “on time “ and early a she’s had plans and was going socialising . It wasn’t a nice time .
I just make my own plans now .

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/10/2023 22:40

This is something that annoys me as well OP. It just feels inconsiderate when they know you've got small kids.

I'd never presume to know someone's routine with their kid but if I set a time for something and they agreed to it it's because that time works and we stick to it as much as possible.

Hell, however, is other people. And they are inconsiderate and not every one puts the same thought and care into things.

showmethegin · 19/10/2023 22:45

I agree with people who say some people just don't understand what it's like with young kids. My in laws are absolutely wonderful but they just don't get it. We went on holiday with them and they tried to book us all in for a meal out at 7pm (DS was 10 months old at the time!) I said very gently, oh no worries, I'll pop for a drink with you all then get DS home, obviously DH will stay for the meal. So they very kindly moved it till 5 then pissed about in the beer garden till 6:30 so then I had a screaming pissed off baby the whole time across dinner.

It's infuriating but; I know what to expect from them now so I just do my own thing with DS (provide food etc). They just don't get it.

LusaBatoosa · 19/10/2023 23:16

Is your family Nigerian? As all this sounds perfectly normal to me. When I first started dating DH, he had real difficulty with the idea that ‘4pm’ meant ‘at some point before eight o’clock, maybe, if nothing comes up’. 🤣

YANBU at all, though.

Mumof2teens79 · 19/10/2023 23:37

123bumblebee · 19/10/2023 20:36

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

Sometimes you have to really clarify. I read texts and think it says one thing, then read back and realise they could've meant something very different.

It depends who said what exactly.

Lunch is lunch. If I invite someone for lunch AT around 11.30 I would expect them to arrive before 12, and eat before 1.

But a BBQ is a longer event, like a party. Its not a fixed time. So if they said we are having a BBQ at 4pm I would assume arrive 4pm, light bbq 5pm, eat from 6pm.

milveycrohn · 19/10/2023 23:58

This happened to me once, when staying with my DS and her DH (they did not have any children).
As we were staying for the weekend, it was difficult to have my own food for toddler.
My DS had no concept that toddlers get used to a routine, and wanted his lunch around 12.00 noon. As it was my DS, I just asked if I could do him a sandwich, which was fine. (he was around 18 months, and could manage that). Lunch was served around 2.30 pm, by which time toddler had fallen asleep.
(the annoying thing was that they wanted to take us out into town in the afternoon, but there wasn't really much left of the afternoon, by the time lunch was over - and being November, it was nearly dark)
Now as a DGP, I ask my DS and DIL what time is best. If they are flexible and leave it to me, I usually say, arrive between x and y; lunch/dinner served at z, etc.
I see no reason why a BBQ cannot be similar. You should know how long it takes to fire up; just ask guests to arrive for x time, and BBQ served at y time.
So yes, I think they should be more specific over times, and then the OP would be prepared and have something to feed the 18 mth old.

MyFaceIsTooSaggyForMySkull · 20/10/2023 00:15

For context, I highly suspect I have ASD. Just no-one in the 90s considered that a girl with intense obsessions with things, taught themselves to read before going to school, had huge sensory issues and struggled with friendships could be ASD! So I do struggle with last-minute changes and figuring out social norms.
^
You sound like me x

SeaToSki · 20/10/2023 00:28

Well imho the hosts were very rude. If they invited people for food at 4pm, they should bloody well serve food within spitting distance of 4pm, not wafting about and lighting bbqs at 4pm

you are warned for next time with these relatives..just say you will stop by for a couple of hours, and then head off to the chippy knowing that all the other guests will still be quietly starving and wishing they were with you

Millybob · 20/10/2023 00:35

I wouldn't hold lunch for somebody who turned up two hours late - but equally, I wouldn't fancy having lunch at 12pm.

Canisaysomething · 20/10/2023 01:39

It’s rude to be late and rude to serve food much later than planned.

321user123 · 20/10/2023 01:49

rookiemere · 19/10/2023 21:26

For the Bbq I wouldn't have expected food at 4pm, it's presumably more the time they wanted you to turn up, but I would have anticipated it being ready from about 530 onwards.

Your DB was being a dick, no one who turns up at 2.30 pm should expect lunch.

While I agree OPs DB was a twat…

Isn’t 2.30pm a normal time to have lunch? 😳
What time do you eat lunch??

JMSA · 20/10/2023 02:10

Did you communicate with your mother in advance, to let her know that your toddler would need to eat early? And couldn't you just have fed her something different?
I think it does sound a bit precious - sorry - as I wouldn't expect the world to revolve around my child.
Your brother was rude though!

GarlicGrace · 20/10/2023 02:29

OP, I'm the opposite to you in some ways but my tip might still help (it's the same as many PPs'). My timekeeping is shocking and my hunger overwhelming. Whenever I'm going to be dependent on others for feeding, I put a quantity of snacks in my handbag. They may leave me hungry for whatever reason (including my own failure to turn up), but no worries! I'm secretly self-sufficient 😏

With a toddler on board, I find I need a very large handbag.

rosesinmygarden · 20/10/2023 03:00

Your mum got the time wrong. She was embarrassed, so made it your fault. My own mother does this all the time.

YANBU

Tiddlywinkly · 20/10/2023 03:32

Hello fellow autistic 🙂. I get it. NT people can be very confusing at times and not say what they actually mean.

Rainbowshit · 20/10/2023 03:48

4pm would be a very unusual time to serve food. Are you sure you got that right?

jammyhand · 20/10/2023 03:52

INeedAnotherName · 19/10/2023 21:27

No told food would be served at 4pm so we arrived a few hours before as requested.
It's not you OP. You just belong to a twattish family. Sorry.

Your certainty surprises me... I would want to know how the actual thing was phrased, and even then I might take that to mean appetisers and nibblers. It's just that, firstly, 4pm is a really unusual time for dinner – if I got a 4pm invite I would think food served at 5 or 6pm. Secondly, people don't usually ask you to come round at the exact time serving starts