"You didn't really expect food to be ready at 4pm did you?"

[123bumblebee]

Said to me by my mother recently when, after driving 2.5 hours with a toddler and planning our meals around this, dinner didn't appear until 6.30pm. We were staying in a hotel so imminently had to leave to get our 18 month old settled for the evening- we're not precious parents who are rigid about bedtimes, it's just she loses her shit with tiredness past 7pm and it's not fair on her. She won't sleep out and about in a pram, never has.

It got me thinking. I've had another recent family fallout where I hosted my brother for lunch at midday and he turned up 2.5 hours later claiming the time he said he was arrive was 11.30 "ish" so therefore we were obviously supposed to know that he was going to be so late.

Am I naive to expect people to serve meals or turn up for meals at the time stated? My mother laughed at me being so naive to expect a 4pm meal to be served....around 4pm. Obviously I understand things crop up and it sometimes takes longer than expected but this was a BBQ and the host didn't even light the BBQ until gone 5pm.

If so, how the frick am I supposed to plan my life if this is an unspoken rule that I have never been informed of?

I would expect a barbecue to be turn up and eat whenever type of thing. It's not a restaurant. People get chatting and there's usually drink flowing.

You say you are not precious parents but it does sound like your toddler's routine controls your every move with such strict feeding and sleep times.

Which is fair enough for you if that's what you want but you can't expect others to run their lives around that.

Hence YABU.

HOWEVER if I were hosting a barbecue with young children present I would likely have chips, snacks and bits and pieces available before the actual meat was served. So surely there was something you could've cobbled together as a meal for your DC? ,

If I was invited to a barbecue at 4 pm I would be shocked if they started serving the food as soon as I arrived. Who eats at 4 pm?

Surely you can take some snacks for your child rather than expecting adults to eat at unreasonable times?

I think most people invited to a barbecue at 4 would not expect to have eaten and left by 7.

I would have assumed a 4pm invitation meant grazing on snacks until the food appeared, which is always casual at a barbecue and even then comes out gradually rather than all at once. I wouldn't expect to be leaving until 9ish (if I had kids with me).

I do think you need to understand that other people are not as rigid and inflexible as you, and will be surprised by your expectation to eat at 4 and leave by 7.

In my family, we always say at "7 for 7:30" to clarify that we expect guests to arrive at 7 and that dinner will be at 7:30.

And I guess the way you plan for future social events is taking snacks for children, or asking the host for something for them, and then being more flexible about when you adults will eat and bedtime.

Or meet in restaurants if the time you eat is very important.

was your mother just trying to make the host feel better because you were leaving for food?

So you couldn't even eat a sandwich and a piece of fruit as it'll wake your daughter up?

The situation sounds annoying but you sound incredibly rigid and precious.

The OPs mum was a mum of small children once..

We have the same issue with our family. I always, always bring food for our children (they might not eat what's being served anyway). The kids often eat at their usual meal time then 2hrs later the family food is ready and the kids will eat some.

How do you know the restaurant at the hotel was fully booked?

Nobody eats at 4! That's just odd to think you would.

If you spoke to them before and asked what time for food and they say 4, then say 4 is great as we’ll need to leave at 6 to get dd settled in the hotel, she gets super grumpy if not in bed by 7 otherwise we’ll disturb others at the hotel.

If at 5 food has not been started, I’d say I’m really sorry but we need to go at 6, would it be possible to start cooking the food now, DH is happy to help.

By 5.30/5.45 I’d be saying so sorry but we really do have to go at 6 so would it be ok if we just helped ourselves to some food from the buffet.

2 hours between planned food time and leaving doesn’t leave a lot of time to flex the plan so I think transparency is key. They won’t be thinking of an impact of a time change on your dd so the commas have to come from you as the one with the strict agenda.

Different when young toddlers are involved

Comms not commas!

My in-laws do this. We are use to it now. We make a point of saying if we need to leave at a specific time. But otherwise we assume they will be late. We also ask them to come an hour earlier than we want when they are visiting us. Weirdly they are put out if we are more than 30min late to theirs 😂

I would have fed lo at usual mealtime and said at 530 we need to leave in about an hour to get lo settled for bed. If food wasn't ready I'd have got off but not made a big deal. Then picked up a takeaway to eat at hotel.

@IsThereABarUpThere

So you couldn't even eat a sandwich and a piece of fruit as it'll wake your daughter up?

The situation sounds annoying but you sound incredibly rigid and precious

Tell me you don't/ didn't have a very difficult toddling sleeper without telling me you have a very difficult toddling sleeper. I have one. Sometimes the choice is either be uncomfortable, or spend the next three hours with a screaming child. That's the time you sneak out with a bucket to a freezing garage to pee because the WC door creeks. Or in OPs case: go hungry.

I'm not autistic but I'd find it extremely annoying to be told food at a set time, turn up ready for set time and then be just expected to wait another two hours. Even without small children I'd find this odd and rude unless something went wrong with the cooking. I like to just be told something and take it at face value, I don't do reading between the lines.

I don't think everyone understands time. Most people realise that they have to fit their plans around the time they are given. Others seem to act is if they think time will fit around them.

Some parents go through a phase of believing that the world should revolve around a toddlers feeding schedule.
I have adhd and remember noticing h this. I just fed by toddler stuff id brought.

This used to annoy me too, as the kids needed feeding. I started bringing their meals and snacks with me. So we could keep to a good routine.

It's frustrating when you have a small, they need quite a fixed routine of meals, naps bedtimes or they become totally unreasonable so travel is hard with them. It seems like you have some family members who can't get on board with that so I would plan visits you suit you in future.

E.g Thanks for the invite but evenings aren't great for the little one, are you free Sat afternoon for a walk /Coffee etc instead. Then make plans for your own dinner at a more convenient time

Because some toddlers are a nightmare when you try to make them eat their meals at odd times.

I agree.

I can only think of two people who would (and have) pulled this kind of stunt (TELL you that food would be served at around a certain time and then not actually serve it for hours...effectively trapping you there) and they are both manipulative/spiteful. It is not normal. Once bitten...

OP I get you 100%.

For this reason, and reasons of my weirdness, I always eat before going to food invite’s especially bbq types as this has happened so many times, I think it’s the norm. BBQ not even getting lit until a few hours after being told to arrive.
Also I feed my kid and take snacks for them.
I kind of look at it as being invited for a catch up and a drink with friends. Take food out of the equation.
No one notices that I never eat anything once the food is eventually done. So it’s not a problem.

I would never expect a bbq to be done by a certain time. It’s a casual social event not a pre booked restaurant meal.
Bring snacks for your toddler if you’re planning to eat anywhere, there could always be delays or issues with the food that you can’t prepare for.

Not all children are the same you could literally hoover with a dodgy dyson (loud) next to ds3 when he was sleeping he has slept on a train packed full of chanting football fans but ds1? Not a chance in HELL at one point hecwas dreadful he woke up because it RAINED