To think it is dangerous to buy/or support buying alcohol for under 16s

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 2023-10-19T15:08:09+00:00

“It is illegal to buy alcohol for someone under 18 in a licensed premises, the only exception is for 16 or 17 year-olds who are allowed to drink beer, wine or cider with food if with an adult (but they may not buy the alcohol themselves).” However, I hear of more and more ‘adults’ justifying buying alcohol for children. It makes me question how safe children are?. Particularly when we find ourselves in a largely split parent/coparenting demographic in the UK. It makes enforcing parental boundaries and measures to keep our children safe, all the more difficult.

PuttingDownRoots · 19/10/2023 16:14

Its technically legal to give children over the age of 5 an alcoholic drink at home. I'm not saying you should... buts its legal to.

Its a tricky subject. Educating our teenagers about the dangers of alcohol and drugs while making sure they aren't too scared to get help if something goes wrong can be a balance.

StripedElephant · 19/10/2023 16:14

OP, what age are your DC?

16/17 years old will find alcohol wether parents provide it or not. Sometimes it’s better to provide alcohol and know what they’re drinking.

PinkRoses1245 · 19/10/2023 16:14

YABU and why has split parenting got anything to do with it. 18 is a totally random age, as any age would, for drinking. Most teens will drink alcohol, it's better for parents to be having open discussion with them about this.

Universalsnail · 19/10/2023 16:17

Yabu.

Teens drink alcohol. It's far better to have an honest and open relationship with alcohol where children are taught safety and responsibile drinking opposing to making it seem a big deal because it's totally forbidden until 18.

sunshinecamper · 19/10/2023 16:19

Agree with Striped Elephant. I’d rather give DS15 a couple of cider cans to take to a party (they’re all turning 16 so there seem to be loads recently) than have him drinking random mixes or grotty old stuff that people have swiped from home. He’s got much more chance of drinking responsibly like that.

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2023 16:22

I think YABU. My DD is 16 and from when she started going to parties at about 15 we bought her about 4 cans of ready mixed drinks to take with her. She has been sensible with it and I always made sure I collected her so that I could see whether she'd stuck to the 4 cans or took the mick.

She did on occasion say she'd also had the odd cider on top or whatever but she's not been blotto, just a bit merry. If I thought she ever had took the mick then I'd not have bought for her the next time and she knew that from the get go.

Did you ever drink as a teen OP? I did and my parents were reasonably relaxed about it. I think if you make it into a big deal then they'll go off to uni and get totally shitfaced with no idea of their limits etc.

That being said, I don't think 14 and under should be getting booze.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/10/2023 16:22

I'm going to go against the grain here: I don't think its great to normalise alcohol around kids.

My parents (dad functional alcoholic, mum not but enabled him) both subscribed to the bullshit theory that "continental-style" drinking (wine with meals etc) was fine and it was better to introduce children to drinking moderately at home than not drink and have them go off and drink unsupervised. I understand the theory but in practice more often than not it was just a fig leaf to allow the parents to get slaughtered in front of their children but feel OK about it because it was in the guise of "being like the French".

I grew up to loathe being around my dad when he was drinking wine and I dreaded him offering it to me. I'd far rather they just didn't drink at home, or drank very modestly.

Teens do drink and it probably is better to have some overview as to what they are drinking and with whom but I think quite a lot of this is just parents allowing themselves to drink in front of kids in a guilt-free way. Far healthier for kids to get used to alcohol not being involved in every get together and served with every meal than to introduce it all the time and kid yourself its healthier just because its done with parents.

Aaron95 · 19/10/2023 16:23

When I was 15/16 a group of 5 of us would meet up at someone's house, go down the video shop, rewnt some movies and watch videos back att someone's house (actual VHS tapes - we are that old). Our parents used to get 2 or 3 bottles of cider and gave them to us to drink.

I suspect they thought it was better that way, rather than us going down the park and getting hammered on cheap sherry. They were probably right.

Catza · 19/10/2023 16:24

I don’t buy alcohol FOR children. I buy it for myself and my partner. The kiddo can have a little sip with a meal if she wants to, most of the time she says no. Since we don’t make a big deal out of alcohol, she has zero interest in it.

Original poster

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:25

I am genuinely interested to hear your replies. I can’t get away from the fact that it is illegal to supply an under 16 with alcohol and it goes against all my maternal instincts to supply my own child with alcohol. I completely appreciate that they will find a way, and there is an argument for controlling the situation re what they actually drink… but it is damaging, in so many ways. We are not our children’s friends, we are their guardians.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2023 16:26

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't necessarily disagree with you, however that is very different to what the OP is asking about.

What are your thoughts on teens being bought alcohol for parties?

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2023 16:28

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:25

I am genuinely interested to hear your replies. I can’t get away from the fact that it is illegal to supply an under 16 with alcohol and it goes against all my maternal instincts to supply my own child with alcohol. I completely appreciate that they will find a way, and there is an argument for controlling the situation re what they actually drink… but it is damaging, in so many ways. We are not our children’s friends, we are their guardians.

I agree I am not my children's friend. However, buying DD alcohol as I outlined above is not about being her friend or being seen as a "cool mum" or anything else.

It's because I think that is what is best for her in the situation at that time.

RubyBoozeDay · 19/10/2023 16:29

I'm with pp - I would rather my teenagers go to parties with a couple of cans than club together with their friends for a litre of cheap vodka.

Teenagers will drink alcohol regardless of whether adults have provided it.

Original poster

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:29

Police have the power to charge those over 18 who knowingly buy alcohol for anyone under the legal drinking age (buying by proxy). It is important that older friends and family know that they could be charged for supplying alcohol irresponsibly.

OP posts:

Motheranddaughter · 19/10/2023 16:30

My DD did not drink until she was 17 and my son who is 22 does not drink at all
Not all teens will drink .

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/10/2023 16:30

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2023 16:26

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't necessarily disagree with you, however that is very different to what the OP is asking about.

What are your thoughts on teens being bought alcohol for parties?

I don't know really. I guess its probably safer for an adult to buy an amount of alcohol and limit it to that amount, as opposed to having the kids go off and try to obtain it on their own.

My point was a slightly different one and maybe a red herring. But I do think the more the parents normalise their own drinking the more likely it is that the kids will see it as a normal and desirable leisure activity.

TheSpruce · 19/10/2023 16:33

My favorite part of these threads will be all the posters announcing their saintly DC never drank as teens and don't drink a drop to this day! Sure there might be the odd one but let's be honest, most will not be telling you if they did!

Original poster

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:33

How would you feel if another family member/parent supplied your teen with alcohol without your consent?

OP posts:

Caipirovska · 19/10/2023 16:37

Catza · 19/10/2023 16:24

I don’t buy alcohol FOR children. I buy it for myself and my partner. The kiddo can have a little sip with a meal if she wants to, most of the time she says no. Since we don’t make a big deal out of alcohol, she has zero interest in it.

This is how we've done it with our teens.

I've never provided alcohol to go to parties with or offered other under 18 acholic drinks but if they want small glass of buzz fizz, wine, cinder or even beer with a meal we were having at home- or odd sip of something we have in that's fine.

We don't drink much anyway - and our teens seem even less interested in drink than us.

Original poster

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:37

@TheSpruce totally agree

“My favorite part of these threads will be all the posters announcing their saintly DC never drank as teens and don't drink a drop to this day! Sure there might be the odd one but let's be honest, most will not be telling you if they did!”

I was drinking as a teenager! Just want to hear others experiences of teenagers right now, and the different approaches.

OP posts:

rocknrollaa · 19/10/2023 16:39

It's situational as to what actually will or won't be OK.

For example -

A sensible 14/15 year old being given wine at home by a parent who isn't an alcoholic and will also discuss safe drinking with them - that is not likely to cause any problems.

A 14/15 year old who is easily led 'off the rails', might be in with a 'bad crowd', is very interested in alcohol/ drugs, being given wine at home by a parent with a similar ethos - well - that's much more likely to go badly.

Obviously we need a law in place because if we didn't then people in the latter category would be doing a huge amount of damage to children and young people (more than they will anyway).

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/10/2023 16:39

TheSpruce · 19/10/2023 16:33

My favorite part of these threads will be all the posters announcing their saintly DC never drank as teens and don't drink a drop to this day! Sure there might be the odd one but let's be honest, most will not be telling you if they did!

Of course teens drink. But teens of this generation drink markedly less than teens of my generation (born early 70s).

I can't help thinking that a large part of that was a very permissive approach to drinking from our parents (who had lived through the 60s and all that and thought it was a normal "letting off steam" process when in fact it was absurdly self-destructive). Kids do drink today but the ruinously self-destructive drinking of my youth is far less of a badge of honour for teenagers today (praise the Lord).

People bang on a lot about the dangers of video games, phones and social media etc and there are dangers with these obviously but I'd far rather my DD was over-indulging in this than drinking heavily behind my back. If I knew then what I know now about the risks of addiction and the link with cancer etc.

It's not either/or obviously but I do think the "glamorous hedonism" of kids drinking behind their parents backs is thankfully less common than it used to be.

I would be horrified if my DD drank the way I did as a teen.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/10/2023 16:43

rocknrollaa · 19/10/2023 16:39

It's situational as to what actually will or won't be OK.

For example -

A sensible 14/15 year old being given wine at home by a parent who isn't an alcoholic and will also discuss safe drinking with them - that is not likely to cause any problems.

A 14/15 year old who is easily led 'off the rails', might be in with a 'bad crowd', is very interested in alcohol/ drugs, being given wine at home by a parent with a similar ethos - well - that's much more likely to go badly.

Obviously we need a law in place because if we didn't then people in the latter category would be doing a huge amount of damage to children and young people (more than they will anyway).

It is situational, but there is a real danger of thinking that if its "middle class drinking" policed by parents in the home it's OK.

When in fact my family were very much "middle class drinkers": only wine, never spirits, lots of guff about always eating with meals etc and "this is how they do it in France". And still their drinking, and the influence it had on me, was very dangerous, just with a very respectable veneer.

Clearly a parent encouraging their kid to neck vodka neat is a different ballgame from an occasional glass of wine with a meal. But I think parents sometimes kid themselves about the example their drinking sets to their children.

rocknrollaa · 19/10/2023 16:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/10/2023 16:43

It is situational, but there is a real danger of thinking that if its "middle class drinking" policed by parents in the home it's OK.

When in fact my family were very much "middle class drinkers": only wine, never spirits, lots of guff about always eating with meals etc and "this is how they do it in France". And still their drinking, and the influence it had on me, was very dangerous, just with a very respectable veneer.

Clearly a parent encouraging their kid to neck vodka neat is a different ballgame from an occasional glass of wine with a meal. But I think parents sometimes kid themselves about the example their drinking sets to their children.

Show quote history

I mean yes but I would say in that situation, they probably were alcoholics, so doesn't actually fit my definition at all.

Caipirovska · 19/10/2023 16:45

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:33

How would you feel if another family member/parent supplied your teen with alcohol without your consent?

IL did offer young teens odd acholic drink they usually turned it down themselves or tried a sip them stopped as didn't like.

Oddly only one they've really liked has been my Christmas tipple of snowballs and as we don't get that much in - plus they've been good at not too many.

IL made a huge song and dance about getting DD1 an acholic drink it pub with meal for her 18 - she wasn't bothered and didn't want the drink and MIL ended up drinking it. I don't doubt she encountered more alcohol now she off at university but she knows few drinks she likes and what effect it has on her and how to say no thanks or just not drink.

If this is more a co-parenting issue I can't comment DH and I are still married and while he was brought up drinking much more than I was we've been on the same page with alcohol and our kids.