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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxious about taking children to friends house again

202 replies

Clicki · 19/10/2023 14:49

At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

OP posts:
navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 13:19

that was in reply to someone saying they’d leave him at home if their ds behaved like that.. not to the op!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

hjytrjulykuyh · 20/10/2023 13:28

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 13:18

He is only 4 you horror!! 4 year olds are far too young to know to behave all the time!

Sounds like the 4 and 3yo are great friends, just bounce off each other and like to cause a bit of mischief when they get together! 😁

They will eventually calm down. If your friend with the 2yo is still happy for your ds to go round and play, I would still take him!

A four year old guest running around the house screaming and throwing toys is not 'liking to cause a bit of mischief'.

Children absolutely can learn how to behave in different situations. They mess up, they learn, but they're not wild animals with absolutely no concept of how to behave, unless they've been dragged up.

LaurieStrode · 20/10/2023 13:59

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 13:18

He is only 4 you horror!! 4 year olds are far too young to know to behave all the time!

Sounds like the 4 and 3yo are great friends, just bounce off each other and like to cause a bit of mischief when they get together! 😁

They will eventually calm down. If your friend with the 2yo is still happy for your ds to go round and play, I would still take him!

How rude.

Running around screaming and causing chaos is unacceptable. He should be left home until he can control himself.

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 14:13

@LaurieStrode He broke one toy. OP replaced it, i'm sure her LO has realised that was not nice and won't do it again. As for the running around screaming and which is probably from excitement! That is normal

4 is so so young and I HATE when adults expect children to be perfectly behaved and have no faults 🙄

removing him from the situation isn't going to fix anything! guiding him through the situation with a gentle approach showing him how to play nicely is a better idea than isolating the poor boy.

PloddingAlong21 · 20/10/2023 14:29

OP you’re over complicating this:

firstly don’t text asking her if she’s prefer you don’t bring DS. She is never going to say “thank god you asked, he’s a bloody nightmare please leave him at home. Thanks for the thought.” That kind of question is putting her in an awkward situation and creating a tension.

Take him and tell him he has one warning and if he doesn’t listen phone your husband and get him picked up. Done.

as for the party both go and divide and conquer - one of you has eyes on him at all times. One has to be prepared to leave.

I would be anxious too but he’s only behaved this way once so give him one more go and if he isn’t ready for this scenario you wait a few more months. However you’re right if he keeps behaving like this they won’t keep inviting you over.

hjytrjulykuyh · 20/10/2023 14:39

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 14:13

@LaurieStrode He broke one toy. OP replaced it, i'm sure her LO has realised that was not nice and won't do it again. As for the running around screaming and which is probably from excitement! That is normal

4 is so so young and I HATE when adults expect children to be perfectly behaved and have no faults 🙄

removing him from the situation isn't going to fix anything! guiding him through the situation with a gentle approach showing him how to play nicely is a better idea than isolating the poor boy.

You're doing that disingenuous thing of exaggerating the opposition's stance to make yours seem more reasonable ' I HATE when adults expect children to be perfectly behaved and have no faults' when nobody has said anything about children needing to behave perfectly and faultlessly. I think it's called a straw man argument:

  • Exaggerating (sometimes grossly) an opponent's argument, then attacking this exaggerated version.

Wasn't aware of whether you knew you were doing it or not.

Maybe87 · 20/10/2023 15:05

I would leave my DS with his dad for some quality time and I would take him to the party with my partner. Two kids 2 parents much easier to handle

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 15:12

@hjytrjulykuyh

Pardon me, I should have said "expect children to behave perfectly ALL the time with no faults"

OP has stated they have done several play dates outside the home since this incident occurred and there have been no problems with her sons behaviour.

So it seems wild to me that this ONE incident of what so many of you have deemed as "unacceptable behaviour" is a good enough reason to leave him at home instead of getting him and her friends dd used to playing nicely in an enclosed space together??

So you can shove your condescending reply where the sun doesn't shine (although, you probably think it does shine there considering your response)

GodDammitCecil · 20/10/2023 18:05

Pardon me, I should have said "expect children to behave perfectly ALL the time with no faults"

But nobody on the thread has said this, nor expects this, so why do you even need to say you HATE (your capitalisation) it when adults expect it? Nobody expects this.

Purpleturtle45 · 20/10/2023 18:34

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/10/2023 15:03

I'd go but if she is local, I'd tell your son beforehand of some clear expectations (eg no throwing or snatching) and that if he does this, his dad will take him home immediately. I'd also take him to the park or something beforehand to make sure he didn't have loads of pent up energy. And follow him like a hawk and keep reminding him of expectations

This is what I would do. Also that's a very nice friend you have!

samupnorth · 20/10/2023 19:31

Tweddle · 19/10/2023 15:02

What are you doing to address your child’s behaviour?

Short of beating him, she’s doing what every sensible parent of a 4 year does. Consequences and patience. Do you have boys ? If not , pipe down because they require an entirely different set of parenting skills.

samupnorth · 20/10/2023 19:36

LaurieStrode · 20/10/2023 13:59

How rude.

Running around screaming and causing chaos is unacceptable. He should be left home until he can control himself.

Show quote history

What 4 year old can control themselves ?? Sure start need to be brought back urgently for their parenting courses if this is the standard of parenting in this country .

GodDammitCecil · 20/10/2023 19:46

samupnorth · 20/10/2023 19:31

Short of beating him, she’s doing what every sensible parent of a 4 year does. Consequences and patience. Do you have boys ? If not , pipe down because they require an entirely different set of parenting skills.

Show quote history

Do they? I parented my (then preschool) DS and DD pretty similarly….

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 21:12

@GodDammitCecil

like I said, op has said this occurred once at a play date inside... all the other play dates have been fine

and loads of people on here raving saying his behaviour is unacceptable blah blah

so clearly all those people do expect children to behave all the time! as OP stated it was ONE incident!!!

he had ONE bad play date where excitement got the better off him! kids are allowed bad days.

the answer is not "That's unacceptable wouldn't take him there again"

how many times do I need to explain what I mean lol

navigatingmy20s · 20/10/2023 21:13

@samupnorth 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

JLou08 · 20/10/2023 23:14

Bring him along, if they are lovely people as you say no friendships would be lost. I've had friends with wild children and my children have had friends over like this. I have never once judged the parents or considered ending friendships. Anyone that would isn't worth being friends with. There is also the chance it will go really well and everyone has a great time.

WonderingWanda · 21/10/2023 08:06

I haven't read all the replies but a 4 hour play date for 4 year olds is too long. No wonder they'd gone a but feral.

Take him for a walk before hand, make sure he is fed, plan to stay for an hour. Engage in the craft with him, keep him occupied and keep the visit shorter so it doesn't go wrong. All kids get a bit overexcited and wild when allowed to run around in someone else's house, it's quite normal....I don't mean that run around comment in a critical way. We have had loads of kids here over the years and they all do the same thing pull all the toys out and charge around the house scattering them.

Daisyblue77 · 21/10/2023 10:54

I would of left straight away if my child behaved like that. That poor 2 year old terrified and upset in her own home. No way would i allow my child to run rampage anywhere let alone in someone else's house . If you cant guarantee he will be have dont take him

amymumoftwo · 21/10/2023 12:10

I dont understand people saying to leave him home, they clearly don’t have children and if they do I feel bad for them. There are children his age there and he’s been invited, so why shouldn’t he go. Three is always a crowd but how is he going to learn if he is excluded in the first place. Set out the expectations of how you expect him to behave in someone else’s house, give him a warning if he is being disruptive and follow through if he doesn’t listen. Use it as a warning that if he doesn’t behave he won’t go to the Halloween party, then use that to set an example if he isn’t respectful, that’s the only way he will learn for future play dates,

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/10/2023 14:31

I mean, is it not normal to be a little bit anxious about your kid going crazy when they have before?

I'd just prep the mum - if he goes mental again I'll take him home straight away, I'm not letting him ruin the day for everyone. Set the same expectations with your son.

Or don't take him and say to the mum you're sorry but he's too volatile.

Original poster
Clicki · 21/10/2023 17:07

Just a little update, we took DS (DH came too), he did good for about 45 minutes then start declining. He was fidgety from sitting still doing crafts (as was the 3 year old and 2 year old) so the host put some dance music on and pushed the furniture back and got them to dance for a bit. He managed about another half hour before he starting getting irritated and began struggling to share so DH took him out to the garden and let him have a good run around, but it didn’t really help so about 15 min later DH had to take him home as he was being a little mean (stealing from the other kids) and shouted at the 2 year old a couple of times.
Id say he did pretty well since it wasn’t really a play date for his interests.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 21/10/2023 17:13

What would a playdate "for his interests" look like, then? I don't think stealing from the other kids and shouting at the host's child is particularly great?

navigatingmy20s · 21/10/2023 17:19

Clicki · 21/10/2023 17:07

Just a little update, we took DS (DH came too), he did good for about 45 minutes then start declining. He was fidgety from sitting still doing crafts (as was the 3 year old and 2 year old) so the host put some dance music on and pushed the furniture back and got them to dance for a bit. He managed about another half hour before he starting getting irritated and began struggling to share so DH took him out to the garden and let him have a good run around, but it didn’t really help so about 15 min later DH had to take him home as he was being a little mean (stealing from the other kids) and shouted at the 2 year old a couple of times.
Id say he did pretty well since it wasn’t really a play date for his interests.

Im glad you decided to take him! Sounds like it went a lot better than last time 😊

Remember, he is also a little boy whilst the others are girls, boys are normally more rowdy than girls (although, my dd is more rowdy than most girls and boys put together 😅😂)

4 is still so young, so please don't listen to any of these comments that have been slamming his behaviour as "unacceptable"

Have a lovely weekend 😊

Original poster
Clicki · 21/10/2023 17:24

StarlightLime · 21/10/2023 17:13

What would a playdate "for his interests" look like, then? I don't think stealing from the other kids and shouting at the host's child is particularly great?

Something active, outdoors etc.
He’s 4 and still learning. He didn’t really enjoy the crafts so the shouting came from being frustrated and wanting to leave, the stealing came from wanting to be done sooner so he could leave.
I didn’t expect him to behave perfectly, I know he really tried and he said sorry for shouting without being prompted.
It’s an improvement from last time, that’s all that matters to me.
Every other play date has been with kids his age who are happy to run around outside or play active games (like den building).

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 21/10/2023 17:35

Leave him with his dad or knacker him out before he gets there. When he’s 16 and mooching about in his underwear, any ‘guilt’ will feel like a distant memory.