Anxious about taking children to friends house again

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At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

Take him. But before you set off read him the riot act. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, if he can’t behave himself he’ll be going straight home. The minute he starts acting out of line put his coat on him and take him home.

Take him home, leave him with his dad and rejoin your older child and your friends.

Repeat every time he displayed unwanted behaviour, outside of the home. He’ll get there in the end.

Learning opportunity for DS.

Talk beforehand about expectations. We don't run inside other people's homes. We don't scream. Or throw toys. Explain if any of this happens he will get one warning to stop. If he doesn't, you leave.

If you try one last time and it happens again, you will have to arrange to go without him next time. I think this is a really valuable chance for him to learn consequences and social norms.

tbh I'm surprised you let it go on as long as you did last time. No judgment as maybe you were just unsure of what the best response would be, but if DS started behaving like that and didn't respond to one warning we'd have upped and left. Nobody should have to put up with that from guests in their own home. Doesn't matter what the other kids were doing or how their parents handled it, you have your own standards.

But then he got a brilliant trip to the park with the 3 year old, away from the 2 year old who he doesn’t engage with / like. If that’s the consequence of acting up he’s going to do it again, he should have been taken horn imo.

I'd take him and then leave if he gets rowdy. He won't forget that in a hurry and would be less likely to do it next time. It sounds like you should have cut the previous play date much, much shorter.
Also, have you offered to host at all? I get that she has a bigger house, but no way should it always fall to one person.

Aw, I feel for you OP. I like you from your first post because you're honest about your son's behaviour and virtually no-one is like that. It can be so stressful when yours is that kid - other parents can be very unkind and judgemental.

If you were my friend, I'd hope we could just be supportive of each other as parents and be really open about it. That way I think you'd be able to feel comfortable to bring him if you felt it was the right thing to do or to just do child-free catch ups at times he wasn't up to it.

All children are different and their behaviour is their way of communicating. I find it very sad how judged little children are by many.

Leave him at home and tell him why. Next time, tell him he can go but one foot wrong and he comes home.

He's 4 - plenty old enough to know better.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, but if dh is offering to have ds, this suggests he's available, so how about you both go, then dh can withdraw ds if he kicks off, without impacting you and dd's visit? Teamwork makes the dreamwork and all that!

How is he going to learn to behave? It’s the same with dogs. Keeping them away from the source of excitement literally solves nothing.

Take him for a bike ride or run around the park before the playdate so he can burn off some energy.

He is four, it is his sisters friends. This isn't a learning opportunity, at best he is being set up to fail. Leave him with his dad rather than threatening him.

I wouldn't be impressed if a dad turned up at my door.

All of you go assuming there are no additional SEN then I would:
Ask your host if there is a quiet room you can use to calm down child and explain that xyz is not appropriate and that if he does it again then dad will take him home and they will not be allowed to participate in the rest of the day.
This allows your child to be involved in events but also respect your friends home and friendship but setting a clear consequence.

Tell the parents of the other 3 yr old what you've outlined. So they don't inadvertently let behavior you've said is not acceptable slide.

Honestly i'd leave him at home for the play date but take him to the party if your husband is also going so that between you you can remove him for some down time if he's getting a bit over excited.

His behaviour is unacceptable and if they acted that way in my house, id have told both them off. At least you made him take ownership and replace the toy and apologise so he knows its wrong.

He needs to learn how to behave. I would tell him your expectations clearly. No screaming, no breaking things, no running indoors. If he doesnt stick to the rules, ask dad to collect him.

@BaconEggAndCoffee

Yes he’s 4. He has a lot of learning in front of him. The only way he’ll learn to be welcome at group gatherings is to behave himself. The consequences of not behaving is to face the consequences of his actions.

You wouldnt be impressed if a childs father / your friends husband turned up at your door?!? What? 😅

Leave him with your DH. Although he doesn’t mean to it’s not nice that the hosts young daughter was stressed at his last visit.

The host really wouldn’t mind if my DH came with, her DH will be there and the invite is always to the whole family. He just doesn’t come as he could stay home and watch a film without all the kids around and being dragged into our conversations.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but if I arranged a play date for mums and the children round my house, then I wouldn't like it if a dad joined in. It changes the dynamic completely.
However it sounds like an invitation to the whole family anyway.

Ah i see. I took it as a family invite so dad included. But yes, if it was a mum thing then yes would be a bit odd dad turning up 😂

I know Jordan Peterson isn’t favoured on here but he does make a good point about ensuring your children are likeable. If you don’t like the way your children act, chances are nobody else does and you don’t want to raise unlikeable children.

Your DS is 3 so I get it, it’s a difficult age and some children are very energetic at this age. Breaking other peoples things though? Completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t want to do the play date for now, not until your DS’s behaviour improves.

When one of my DS had a similar meltdown, when out with my girlfriends and their children, I gave him 2 warnings that were ignored so I then removed us both from the situation and went home. I ignored him crying and begging to go back and the next day spoke to him about consequences. There was never a repeat performance. So warn him numerous times before going and if it happens again then give him one final warning and if not, remove him and yourself and ignore his protests. Don’t allow his behaviour to spoil others enjoyment.

He is only 4 you horror!! 4 year olds are far too young to know to behave all the time!

Sounds like the 4 and 3yo are great friends, just bounce off each other and like to cause a bit of mischief when they get together! 😁

They will eventually calm down. If your friend with the 2yo is still happy for your ds to go round and play, I would still take him!