Anxious about taking children to friends house again

[Clicki]

At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

If your dh is available the day of the play date I'd ask him to be "on call". Explain to DS that he has been invited and you will take him but any destructive or unkind behaviour you will be calling dad to come get him because it is not fair on every other child and your friend if he's been destructive etc.

My eldest if he misbehaved at someone's house or out for a meal I removed him. He soon cottoned on. It was easy as I only had him to consider. As your husband has offered to have him during the time of the playdate I'd give him the chance to be included but any silliness he'd be heading home with Dad.

I'd make it clear to your friend that you are aware of the issue, thank her for the invite, and explain your plan and that you value her friendship. That way she will feel appreciated and cared about too.

To add, reading your comments I'd not suggest dh coming to the playdate! Just being nearby and phone on.

It's been a few months since this happened, in that time he has got older (a few month is quite a long time in the maturity of a 4 year old,) and presumably he has started school in that time, so is more used to being calm and following instructions. I don;t think he should be banned from socialising for something he did a few month ago where it sounds a if he got very over excited. You can't teach him how to behave in company by never taking him to other children's houses.

As suggested by PPs, clearly tell him your expectations, tell him the consequences if he does not behave and follow through with them if it all goes pear shaped. Get your DH to come or be close at hand to take your little boy home if he goes rogue. I'd also invite the 3yr old little girl round to yours to play so they get used to playing together and learn not to wind each other up to fever pitch.

I think my earlier list was misinterpreted when I mentioned sitting on the stair. I didn’t mean ‘the naughty step’ - never worked with mine, they just ran off. I meant that you would take him out into the hall if you don’t have your car there and sit with him while you wait for DH to pick him up. The main thing is that he understands the consequences that will follow from bad behaviour. I would give your friend a heads up if you take him as lots of folks think they’re being kind if they say don’t take him away, he’s fine. You need her to know what you’ll do and not intervene.

Post not list!

I'd leave him behind I think because you're going to be stressed the entire time about him.

But in defence of the Op I had two normally very well behaved sweet little girls-who each had one friend (at about the same age) for whom they did things they would never contemplate doing with any other child. Things like the pair opened a load of presents, folded the wrapping paper and put it back in the wrapping paper drawer, very neat! For a couple of hours I was thinking I had gone mad thinking I only thought I'd wrapped them.
They never behaved like this with any other friend-and neither did the friend. There was just something when they got together. They grew out of it fairly quickly and were good friends for years.

Why out the burden of that decision on the host. If she comes back to say, leave DS at home, then she’s excluding him.
Just leave him at home with your DH do everyone can have one chill play date.
He’s not being punished, he’s spending time with his dad!

His behaviour sounds pretty normal to me, I've seen this 2 particular kids setting each other off thing - I'm not sure how helpful it is people suggesting that it could be ADHD 🤔

Your friends sound great OP :) I guess take him, and have your DH around to remove him if it all goes pear shaped. Hopefully not though!

Please don’t do this!

That is no ‘choice’ for your friend - of course she can’t say ‘leave him at home’. Please don’t put her in that awkward position.

Just make the decision yourself to leave him at home. That’s clearly the way you are leaning.

Why not take DH with you and explain to your 3 year old that if he doesn't behave nicely daddy will be taking him home early.

My 3 year old would definitely understand this!

Honestly I would just talk to your friends about it, they sound lovely from what you’ve said. Tell them you’re nervous about last time and give them the heads up you may need to leave early if it kicks off.

I'd probably go with just your DD this time. Your DS can do something fun with his dad whilst you are out with DD.

At the forthcoming party, your DS will be mixed in with others so there'll be less focus on him and you can chase him round more closely which is difficult to do when it's a smaller group. At the party, the adults will be mingling and it won't be as obvious if you are up on your feet tailing your DS more.

Is your son 4 or 7? I can’t follow.

either way you need to talk to him. He’s the older child in the scenario and needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour.

you need to remind him of the last time when his behaviour was bad, you need to remind him of the other visits out when his behaviour was better/good and how everyone had a nice time.
you need to warn him of consequences about if his behaviour is bad again.
you need to decide what those are, but you could always ask him what they could be! Make him feel grown up! … let him know how you feel too.

Id also ask him if he wants to go to the play date or if he wants to stay home with Dad … he may not see staying home as a punishment but a preferred option and you all win without worry!

at aged 4 & especially 7 I can see that he wouldn’t want to play with a preschooler! It may only be months different, but it’s the difference between big boy and baby in his mind.

include in your chat about the party (but don’t give him options about that one! - just tell him has to go and has to behave!)

I’d take him. Everyone deserves a second chance. You have the Halloween party as an incentive to behave, tell him if he’s naughty at this gathering he won’t be able to go to the Halloween party next week. if he does act up whilst there, put him in time out and remind him about the Halloween party.

Be on top of behaviour, do t let anything slip and be prepared to take him away to calm down as needed, then rejoin if calm.

Go but be poised to take DS away at the first sign of trouble.

No way I’d take DS after the last time. I’m sure when he’s older he will be fine so I’d just leave him with his dad and let them have some 1-1 time. I wouldn’t feel bad at all. Otherwise you’ll end up leaving early which isn’t fair on your DD

I'd leave him behind so it's less stressful all round. He isn't ready for it yet and they are doing very calm activities which aren't really appropriate for a 3 year old anyway. The 2 year old will be there since it's her home anyway and don't mistake the development between being 4 and 3. Your friend doesn't have a kid like yours so it can come across as a sharp shock, your kid isnt a "bad' kid but high energy or boisterous kids need to be dealt with differently.

My ds at 3 was a ball of energy, he couldn't sit still so structured activities were a waste of time with him he did much better at free play or messy play. Once he turned 4 his little sister was born and he got much calmer and was able to sit for longer periods. He's 6 now and really no different to his 7 year old sister in terms if behaviour.

@Clicki
Have a stern talking to with him, son we have a play date on sat at blah House, I want to see you behaving yourself, if you don't you miss out on the Halloween party next week so it's up to you, if you misbehave you will stay home nxt week with daddy while me and your sis go, of he starts when there remind him of the consequences, if he does it again you leave, you have to teach him the behaviour is not allowed.

I think this is a good idea. If/when he acts up, your ds will learn that be needs to behave in this house. If he doesn't act up, you should probably ask your dh to bring him to the park after a while, as a treat for being a good boy (and time for you to be with your friends without dh). Win all round

They are your 7 year olds friends. Don't ruin it for her. He is invited because it is the polite thing to do.

Agree about bringing dh to the Halloween party, but that might be easier as more people

YANBU to be anxious, I would be! But maybe you could fine a solution, something in the middle of taking DS and not taking him : you talk sternly with your little boy and tell him in a way he understands he has to behave or he will be banned from the playdate ánd from the Halloween party. To do this, would your DH agree on coming over and pick up your son if/when you call or text him? Then at the play date hopefully your son behaves but if he doesn't he gets one warniing before you ask daddy to come and pick him up. I think I would do this, to give your still very young child a chance without spoiling the day for the other children, your friends and yourself. ❤️‍🩹

My youngest has adhd so we’ve dealt with this a few times!

Given that it was a few months back, I would take him - it’s good for kids to have multiple chances to behave and I think that long enough has gone by.

But, I’d probably run damage limitation by having a good talk about behaviour first, only staying for a short time and coming prepared with something to calm him if he gets too hyper (even if that’s a screen or whatever as a one-off). If he does behave well I would do loads of praise which will probably break the cycle for next time as he’ll remember the praise.

Does he know about the halloween party? If not that’s the one I would sit him out from. You take dd to the party, and dh takes him pumpkin carving or trick or treat or something. It’ll be harder to leave early or manage poor behaviour at a party.

Id also reassure you that other people are probably very much less worried by his behaviour than you. Your friend with the shy child probably worries that her daughter ruins play dates by being clingy with her. It’s a bit par for the course whilst they’re still learning social skills.

I had "a ball of energy". I just stopped taking him to things I knew would fail, parks, play barns, swimming, gym, long walks yes. Crafts, structured activities, anything with glue/things to complete/sequence paint etc no.
You have to parent the child you have. If he has more energy and less control in certain circumstances help him learn how to manage but in contexts that make it easy for him to do well. A play date with another high energy child around a younger quieter child when mum's are distracted doesn't sound like the right space for him.
My 'lively' dc mostly grew out of it, is now a lovely polite considerate teen who plays an instrument but still does lots of sports and clearly can sit and attend well enough to do really well at GCSE despite a recentish ADHD diagnosis Just keep correcting his behaviour and lessening the possibilities of when you know he will fail. He's little, by 5/6/7 he will likely be able to manage a bit better. Step in and make sure he doesn't get a rep for being that child or hell start to internalise it and you'll risk him disengaging (especially at primary where energetic DC are not particularly catered for).

I think it’s a no brainer - leave DS with dad and let your older kid have a nice time with her friends. You chill out with the mums. DS won’t know any different and he’s got plenty of years ahead of him to enjoy social occasions.

3 year olds can be annoying twats, they grow out of it.