Anxious about taking children to friends house again

[Clicki]

At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

Give them a chance! You’ll all laugh at these memories one day. It sounds like chaos in the moment but the image of a little girl snapping crayons amongst it all is quite funny 😆

Talk to your ds about expectations and ask what the mums should do if they get too excited- he might suggest sitting down for 5 minutes or something-if he’s in on the plan he won’t get upset at the party when you implement it and will be more aware of his own energy levels.

Maybe invite the friend over with the 7 year old and 3 year old to your home and see how the two little ones get on. If they are still ummm amping each other up then you know to leave it a while before any more house play dates with them.

Kids do get a bit excitable when all together? I don’t think it sounds like your son is unusually badly behaved.

I wouldn’t feel bad, but would be prepared to remove him as you did last time if he gets too excitable. Or have dad on stand by as others suggested.

I think some of these mumsnetters would be shocked at our family gatherings 😅 but they’re all good kids, just get a bit excited when all together and toys might conceivably go flying!

I would take him, have a firm talk about the behaviour I expected beforehand, and say if he cannot show you that he can be trusted then you won't be able to take him to the Halloween party the following weekend.

One of my DC was a nightmare for this type of behaviour.
He's the calmest of them all now they're grown up.

I'd take him but explain to him (and your friends) that you will be taking him for a short walk if things get too much.

He'll soon start behaving, promise!
Also constant praise for him keeping a lid on it!

You all sound a lovely bunch and i think it's wise you're thinking it all through.

Your child is 4 so can well understand expectations and consequences. Set expectations and prepare your host for the fact that you will extract your child if he keeps causing chaos. And apologise in advance in case you have to do that again this time because it will be the fastest way to help your kid improve behaviour if you follow through. The host will also trust you to act if the day is being ruined so that’s also good.

But it’s a good thing to try again. He deserves the opportunity to surprise you!

Is your dh coming along to the get-together? If so, it shouldn’t be too difficult to take it in turns to shadow ds, or remove him from the group, if he doesn’t behave. (He probably just has bags of energy and thinks he’s found a kindred spirit in the 3yr old!) He can obviously moderate his behaviour at school, if there are no issues there, but if he’s a child who likes running around and being active, I don’t hold out much hope for a quiet time sedately doing crafts, if that’s the plan!

I would also do the same at the party, (option to take him off somewhere, if it’s not working), although the dynamic may be completely different with more children, and your ds will behave more like he does at school.

I’d go for an hour and tell DS if there’s any misbehaving you’ll be leaving straight away. Would your friend be amenable to you leaving DD there for another hour or so if you have to leave with DS. Kids can be raucous, and your friend sounds sympathetic but sensible.

A 4 hour play date? That is a long time for a 4 year old and 3 year old to play "nicely" in someone else's house. No wonder they were needing to run around and let off steam.

Could you take your son just for an hour and then your husband can collect him?

More fool the woman whose house it is for calling it all on. She obviously didn’t mind the mess 🤷‍♀️

Definitely take him, i think it's unfair to leave one child out of the gathering. Also, your ds needs to learn how to control his behaviour with different children snd in different circumstances. As a pp said, take him to the park before you go so he can run off some energy. Have clear, consistent expectations that are repeated to him multiple times in the run up to the day. Also explain the consequences of unacceptable behaviour - that's dad coming to take him home. Stick to it.

That's a good point too. 4 hours with young kids playing is going to get messy as tge more energetic ones become bored.

She’s a sweetheart and I really don’t think she minded at all. Kept saying it would do her DD good to be brought out her shell. She is other friends kids godmother and seems to be the worlds kindest person. I just feel awful when her little one is clearly not having a nice time cause the wild children are ensuring no toy remains away.

Yes she sounds very hospitable. Some people truly don’t mind do they. I was never as gracious with little ones x

I think you (and most of the respondents on this thread ) are catastrophising a bit. It was one bad play date, and he's only four; this is all well within the realms of normal. And all the adults are - for once - behaving completely reasonably!
I'd bring him along, keep a close eye on him and if possible get DH to take him home if he's causing havoc. I'm not sure that a stern talking-to in advance is particularly helpful in this age-group, but probably won't do any harm.

We had the live wire son, OP.

He's 25 now!

He was actually diagnosed with ADHD when he was 9 (pretty unusual in those days). Not saying that your son has ADHD of course,

He was definitely more boisterous than a typical boisterous child.

Some tips we used:

Obviously no sugars/hyper foods.

Go out for a long play at the park BEFORE anywhere that needed a semblance of order.

Stick to short timeframes only and he would know about them in advance.l (eg, we are going to stay an hour then do XYZ).

Try for outdoor/non-enclosed activities wherever possible.

Don't be constantly on him, telling him to calm down/play nicely - it won't make a difference and (in our case) made him the black sheep when there were other children not perfectly either.

Stand at the door at set your expectations for him. He gets one chance. The second time he misbehaves you'll ring his dad to collect and follow through.

Tbh I don't think you should inflict this at her house. You or the other child should host. Then it's your toys/house that gets wrecked.

If I were you I would bring him along explain your expectations as to how he will behave in language that will make sense to him and if/when he gets out of hand then I would promptly leave. Keep doing that until he gets the message that the behavior won't be tolerated and there are consequences. I know it means you miss out on time with your friends, but you are the grownup in this situation.

I would take him with a very stern talking-to beforehand and his clear understanding that he will be taken home if he misbehaves. If he misbehaves, you take him home.

Your 7 year old needs to behave. Do you have naughty corner to use if he acts up at friends house? What are the consequences of bad behaviour?

Yes - leave him at home.

I always hated my friends' very young children coming to my house! Curtain poles were pulled down, toys smashed , walls scribbled on by feral children of very middle-class parents. It wasn't seen as cool to mind about it, but I did.

My children were well-behaved! They really were, and I don't know why this was the case in comparison to the 'visitors'. I think I must have been stricter than I thought I was - or they were just (as OP says) 'chilled' by nature. Like the friend's daughter, though, they were also upset by bad behaviour from other children.

Sometimes they just aren't ready for play-dates in people's homes - I honestly believe that. Best to meet up somewhere else until things calm down a bit, or you can reason with them a bit more.

The only way for him to learn is to be in the situation. I’d go for a big play on the park first to tire him out a bit. Having dad pick him up early sounds a good idea. Not as a punishment just so he’s not there longer than he can manage his behaviour.

Can you all go but with DH primed to remove 4 for a/ a walk to calm down and b/ go home with him if the walk doesn't work. And then you and 7 can stay and enjoy.

Up to you whether you think reminding 4 what will happen if he can't moderate himself will be helpful or not.

@Clicki

Think I’d be very open with the mum. Let her know that you want to be firm with DS, and if he kicks off - you’ll remove him, and Dad will come and take him home. I think she’ll really appreciate that you are taking charge of his behaviour. I think DS will learn this way too that his behaviour is not acceptable.

So everyone knows - including DS : he goes if he behaves. If he misbehaves - 1 warning, and then if he misbehaves again - take him out and have Dad ready to take him home.