Anxious about taking children to friends house again

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At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

Same! I loathed it.

I think you either leave him behind, I'm sure his dad won't be making him sit in a bare room doing nothing so its not like he won't still enjoy himself. Or you take him but make sure you supervise him closely, that would mean less chatting with your friends but it would help set your expectations for his behaviour with him.

What exactly is so funny about two kids running riot in someone else's house?!

I had this child. Give him a chance but be ready for either you or DH to take him away to a local playground or similar if things are going pear shaped.

It’s the 4 yr old ds who is boisterous. The 7 yr old dd is friends with the other 7 yr old, who are fine together.

I think the naughty corner/step thing has been discredited now as a method for encouraging good behaviour, hasn’t it?

Just out of interest, op, does the mother of the 3 yr old take any steps to calm the situation down, if the two of them are getting too lively, or is your ds seen as the ‘villain’?

I would go but earn DS if he doesn't behave (and explain what you mean by good behaviour as in no hitting, throwing etc) his dad will come and get him. Have DH on standby and follow through with this warning. He needs to see his behaviour is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it but your 7 year old needs to be allowed to play if she behaves.

That should read warn

Welcome to the difference between boys and girls!!!! Just kidding not really but I’m sure people will have something to say!

I have two boys, and the difference between them and girls at house play dates is stark. Even the more boisterous girls in the group are smart enough to be subtle and sneaky about their naughtiness, unlike my two goons. It’s not so obvious at parks, soft plays etc, perhaps because girls have that desire to please and conform to social norms earlier than boys.

Speaking from experience, you’ll just be really tense and it’ll make the whole thing worse. I think if your DH can be nearby then taking DS but having DH on standby to whisk him away could work, and then have both of you there for the Halloween party. If it’s all going to be on you and you can’t have your DH on standby, I think leave DS at home.

Saying that if your DD is really no trouble, hopefully in future you’ll be able to manage just your DS? I find it tricky as both mine can be like this (also 7 and 4) and throw some ADHD into the mix, it can be a nightmare.

I'd either leave the 4 year old behind, or take DH too and he and DS can leave if it starts getting rowdy.

Is it feasible to take him to the park or similar before hand and run off some excess energy? I’d go for a three pronged approach;
-high energy preferably outdoors activity prior
-lay out expectations in the few days lead up
-be prepared to act on your final sanction- removal from the situation if he cannot meet expectations at the play date.
I’d definitely take him though, he needs the opportunity to show he can behave at other people’s houses. Friend sounds lovely and is willing to try again, so give him the chance although YANBU to be slightly worried about it!

I concur. Discipline! 🤗

I would speak to your friends, explain your concerns and that you’d all love to come but are worried in case things get a bit hectic again. It may put your mind at rest hearing their point of view or any ideas they may come up with.

I would leave your DS with husband for the playdate then take him to the party where the idea is to be a bit crazy.

Have you hosted any playdates at your house?

Your DS does need to learn to behave appropriately in these situations, but better to have home practice on home ground first before going to someone else's house.

Take him with strict instructions to behave himself , no running , throwing toys about etc. If not dh can bring him home and mean it.

Yes this! Don’t be afraid to take him OP. You will feel amazing if it goes better than last time. I wouldn’t ditch a good friend either because of their mad three year old as long as you were actually trying to manage him and not just letting him run riot.

Could you make your expectations very clear to DS before Saturday, and also say that if he is not playing nicely you will take him home? Then be prepared to do that after a couple of warnings. Presumably if you let your friends know in advance, the mum of your DD7's friend could agree to take charge of her while you take DS home and leave him with his dad, so that she doesn't miss out.

If you don't think he will behave that you don't take him. If you do take him, then he goes on under the strict rules that if he behaves badly then his dad will come and pick him up. Don't let it go on for two hours, with the hosts toddler getting upset by the bad behaviour.

HRTFT but I would chat to my DS about and say that it will be crafts and sitting doing cookie Dec and does he think he’d like it because he won’t be able to run around. If he says yes then set him up to succeed. Let him know the rules clearly when you chat to him, the day before and just before. Let him know that if he sticks to the rules then hopefully you can do it more often. Feed him a good snack beforehand with king acting carbs, early night the night before and give him a good runaround just before (I used to find timing my DS was fun for him - ‘let’s see how fast you can run from x to y!’ Let’s see if you can do it quicker!!

Don’t let your anxiety show. Be bright and breezy. Show confidence in his ability to stick to the rules.

I say this as a mother to a DS who was FULL of energy at that age too and I made lots of mistakes. The above is my learning through trial and lots of error!!

My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy.

This isn't 'being very rowdy' behaviour. This is poor behaviour. And you waited too long to remove them from the situation.

Leave him at home next time.

I'd also be very open with the mum, tell her you're a little apprehensive as you don't want your DS to cause havoc in her house but reassure her that you're taking his behaviour seriously and will have him taken home by your DH if things go south.

Definitely have a very stern word with DS before you take him in and follow through with any consequences you set out, you say he's able to behave at other people's houses/at school so there's absolutely no reason why he can't here too.

I think i would do the positive reinforcement of good behavior and let him know that if he isn’t able to stay calm, you will give him one warning and then leave. If you can leave you 7yo for your DH to pick up, even better.

Alternatively you can say, if you can’t be calm, you won’t get to go to Halloween party and it’s ok if that’s sad when you follow through.

I’d probably also text the other mum and tell her you were felt bad about behavior last time and maybe agree what’s ok or that you’ll take your kid home? She knows what she’s getting in to!

My DC kept drawing on stuff in her room so we said art supplies needed to go on time out, which was very sad.

Brought them out a couple weeks later and no issues. They do learn!

Your friend sounds lovely! But your boy sounds like my DS1 and a craft and baking type of play date at 4 would have ended in tears - mine!

For the sake of your sanity, I would take your DH up on his suggestion that he and the four year old spend the day together so you can go and have a nice day without being constantly on edge. Perfectly reasonable to look after yourself sometimes and nice for him to have some one on one time with his dad.

I’d take both dc but if your dad doesn’t behave then have dp come and pick him up. Otherwise it will ruin things for your older dc

There are different sorts of "misbehaviour" on playdates. Personally I prefer entertaining the appreciatively rowdy and overactive to the oppressively anxious ones who cling to their parents. But maybe that's just me. So long as they don't knock holes in the wall and draw on the paintwork, I'm prepared to tolerate some degree of house-wrecking in the name of fun. Maybe your friend is the same? Your job is to intervene if your DS crosses all acceptable boundaries and bodily remove him from the fray.

I'd ask your friend if you can bring a large cardboard box for your DS to destroy while the girls do the nice crafts.