Anxious about taking children to friends house again

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At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

This …. Or leave him at home

Personally, I think you're overthinking it. It sounds like it wasn't just him who was acting up - it was her child too. She's fully aware of how things could go, but is suggesting a house play-date anyway. I would go, try not to worry, but be ready to pull him out if things go tits up again.

If your DH is around and has offered to have him, maybe take both, but on the proviso that with any unacceptable behaviour, your DH picks him up?

How about go with DH & DS and they both leave if there are any issues?

You are hugely over thinking this. Leave him to havr a lovely day with daddy, enjoy your craft activities with the older children + save the house play dates until they’re a bit more grown up.

I have plenty of friends who I love (and who’s children I also love) that I’ve been through phases where we don’t hang out with all the children together because it’s too much

If you think your Son is the instigator (or they are maybe just a bad combination together), just leave him at home (with your hubby!). If you dont want to be honest with her, say your Hubby had planned something to do with him. Alternatively, if shes a good friend, just be honest and say he’s going through a boisterous stage and you would prefer a relaxing playdate for both of you (you and your friend who is hosting). Its really not a big thing at all. Enjoy a girls playdate and don’t stress it!

This! It's also a strong message to him that he needs. Misbehave and you will miss out

He’s three. It sounds like a bad combination of kids. She sounds like a thoughtful mother asking for advice. No need for this.

Btw most kids go abit crazy with house playdates. When my kids were little, we had a few and then decided its so much better to meet in the park/have a picnic, soft play, farm park etc. They can go crazy and nothing gets broken 😀 They burn off energy outside and wouls come home and play nicely and chill out after seeing their friends.

You tell him in advance that he behaves or dh will pick him up and he’ll miss that and the party the following week. Then follow through.

Yup.

Ugh you sound like one of the "boys will be boys" lot.

Treat your son how you've treated your daughter (who you say behaves?) and he should soon learn to behave sensibly. Stop letting him run riot - supervise him more closely

Wow what an utterly false assumption.
DS and DD have always been treated the same. DS just happens to be more hyper and boisterous than his sister. That’s not to say he is ever let away with the behaviour (like I said last time we removed the toys and when that and being distracted didn’t help, left the situation entirely)
He is normally good, school always comment on his good behaviour, he’s good at other play dates. It seems that he and this other little girl are like striking a match to make a fire. They just seem to bring out hyperactivity and wildness. Neither me or the little girls mum tolerate it, we do discipline. I certainly don’t let him away with it or say “boys will be boys” (even more so as his partner in crime is a girl!!)
My anxiety and nerves come more from any misbehaviour (which would be dealt with) either 1. Putting my new friends off spending time with me again or 2. Upset the hosts little girl which I don’t like seeing even though I know DS and his friend aren’t meaning to and it will be dealt with.

I agree with those saying to get your DH involved. Both of you should talk to DS and explain what you expect of his behaviour and that Dad will take him home immediately if he doesn't behave. In fact, I'd probably have Dad stress that he will take him home so you aren't making dad 'the bad guy'. If it were me, I'd have Dad come with us so the removal is immediate, no 2nd chances and no lag from behaviour to consequence.

I'd let the 'hostess' know of the plan so she doesn't worry or try to intervene (well meaningly) in the child's behaviour.

Leave the little one behind!
Your husband has offered

The host will be VERY grateful

I’m going to message the host and see what she says. Probably something like
“Hey I know DS was a bit of a pain last time we had a play date at your house, I’d hate for your DD to be upset again so if you prefer I can leave DS at home with DH and just bring DD or I could bring DH and DS, that way DH can take him home if he starts to play up, really looking forward to seeing you all, let me know which you’d prefer”

So it’s good that you spoke sternly to DS about his behaviour last time. I think you have 2 choices.

1. stern talking to before this play date and inform him clearly of the consequences if he doesn’t listen etc - the consequences being that you will take him home straight away. You actually have to follow through with this though and I’d suggest telling your friend in advance that this is the intention so she’s not upset if you follow through. Or;
2. you leave him with dad, tell him it’s because of the behaviour last time and that you will consider taking him to the Halloween thing next time. This could be an incentive for him to behave at the Halloween thing. He might be a bit young for this though.

It’s definitely got to be a teachable moment.

Can you take him to the park before and run him around to get rid of some of his energy? If he's more chilled it might go better. (Unless he's a child who get hyper when he's tired...)

I was going to say your ds sounds like my ds at that age and it was exhausting. He was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year

However he also sounds like a young boy we knew who it was found had a big reaction to sugar. Not just the stuff you put in your teas and coffees but the stuff found in fruits and other fresh food items

His family cut out sugar from their diet (definitely not an easy thing to do) but the result was incredible

That is is until his mum got a call to come and collect him from an all day activity

Although the adults around him knew he had to stick to his packed lunch and snack box, one of the children offered everyone a sweet and pressed him to have one

Your description of halloween crafts and icing flying everywhere sounded exactly like the chaos his mum found when she arrived to collect him .

I don't think this is a good idea. It buts your friend in a very awkward position where she will want to say yes please leave him but will feel forced to say oh no it's fine

What are natural consequences? Clearly not working.

Throws a toy = toys taken away as an example and I think people are missing that this was one time thing, it hasn’t happened at any other play date, school etc. So I’d say it does work but like every other child he had an off day. There’s a decent chance we go this weekend and he is perfectly behaviour, there is also a chance that when joined by his accomplice he will turn feral again and we will have to leave.

This definitely 👌

It sounds like the mum is aware of the potential chaos and still happy to try again. I’ve had play dates with kids where some have been really wild and it’s been chaos and then play dates with the exact same kids and it’s completely fine. You’re aware of the potential for your son to be a bit over excited so keep a close eye on him, help him engage with the activity she’s planned and be honest with her if you’re worried about anything. If you left him behind how would you know if this kind of play date would ever work?

Are you able to take DS home if he starts playing up?

If so, I would take him but warn him beforehand that if he acts naughty you’ll be taking him home.

Then at the house id give him 3 warnings and remind him how many warnings he’s got left and then follow through with your threat.

But I think because you have so much anxiety about it, then I’d leave him home this time and then do the above next time.