Anxious about taking children to friends house again

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At the start of the year DH and I moved to London with our two DC (4 and 7). DD made friends with a girl in her class pretty quickly and I got chatting to her mum. Since then I’d call her a friend, she has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She introduced me to two of her friends, one who has a 2 year old the other is child free.
We are now all quite close, dinner parties, lunch out etc.
The friend who has the 2 year old lives in the biggest house, so seems to always be the host.
We have only had one play date with all the kids that’s just been in someone’s house. Mainly because last time it was a bit of a catastrophe. The 2 year old is quite a chill, tame kid. Likes to scribble or play with her dolls, toy kitchen etc. Lovely kid. My DS(4) and other friends 3 year old DD are not chill in anyway, much the opposite (screamers, running around, permanently act like they have had a bag of sugar for breakfast), the older kids are ok but tend to prefer to be left to do their own thing.
At the last play date my DS and friends 3 year old went crazy. No amount of telling off, separation to calm down or the such was helping. My DS was throwing toys (obviously we took the toys away from him), friends DD was snapping crayons and they were just being very rowdy. The hosts little one ended up in tears, quite sad and cuddling into her mum and dad for the full 2 hours. It was supposed to be 4 hours but 2 in, I offered to take DS and the 3 year old to the park, friend stayed with the older two as they were happy to play with the little one.
Obviously I apologised profusely, a toy had been broken so I replaced it and took DS round to give it to the little girl and apologise.
The host is lovely, she said no hard feelings maybe we just avoid house play dates for a bit. So we’ve done museums, parks, the zoo over the last few months to avoid it.
Now she has invited us over at the weekend, said we should try again. She has bought some Halloween crafts for the kids to do and other friend has offered to make cookies for them to decorate.
I said yes but now I’m really anxious. I know the 3 year old often plays with the little 2 year old without my DS there and they have no issues, so I’m worried that DS’s energy will rub off again and it will be a repeat of last time only with glitter glue and icing flying everywhere. I don’t want this friendship to be damaged for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have good friends.
DH has suggested maybe I leave DS with him then it will just be girls at the play date. I feel like DS would be really sad though if I did.
The same friends have also planned a kids Halloween party for the weekend after which we are invited to, so I’m thinking it might be good to go and have trial run before it’s a party with 10+ kids.
AIBU to be so anxious? Should I leave DS at home or bring him along before the party the following week? I’m worried if it kicks off again this lovely family won’t want to be friends with us anymore!!

He is a 3 year old boy full of energy. Personally I would probably take him but maybe for less time then have a plan that dh is picking him up to go elsewhere. Then you and dd can have a nice time. Best behaviour warning before you go though!

I would take him but just be really on it. Take him to the park if it all goes wrong.

Yes or have DH on the end of the phone to take him to the park if needed

She does step in, but it’s easier for me to take DS away (who isn’t really at all fussed by the 2 year old) than the 3 year old (who does play nicely by the 2 year old). But she does take her DD out, give her a telling off and remove whatever she is using to cause trouble. None of us use naughty step or such. We prefer natural consequences.

I think 4 hour is too long to have all those kids indoor and expect them to be quiet. You could offer to take the kids after an hour or so to play outside or a walk. I always take the kids to the park for 30mins or longer if the weather is nice on bikes,scooters or a walk when they have friends over. Over stimulation is a thing for some kids. He is only 3 and very excited.

I would suggest you talk to him before and warn him that he has to play nicely or whatever wording you want to use, otherwise he will have to go home.
Then have Dad on standby to come and collect him if he starts acting up.
That way he will begin to learn what is acceptable and what isn't.

You have to follow through though - no empty threats.

I think leave DS behind and tell him why. Getting over excited at 4 is completely normal, but refusing to stop breaking toys and not listening to you is a real problem and needs consequences.

This is a little off-topic, but not really.

Just because this other woman has the bigger house, it does not follow that she should always host.

I actually can’t believe that you haven’t invited her back after the debacle that was the last get/together at her place.

You do some of the heavy-lifting, and host. When you’re trying to establish a friendship group, you can’t alway be the guest.

Have them over - and then parent your DS. And she can leave if it’s (very understandably) getting too much for her 2YO.

As for this upcoming get-together that’s (once again!) at her house, you either leave DS at home (I would), or you take him, but either way - whether you take him or leave him - you need to talk to him. Explain what’s going on. Outline your expectations. He’s only 4. So what? How’s he supposed to learn?

You don’t have to be unkind and you don’t have to reprimand. You just need to simply, factually and briefly lay out what happened, and a). why he’s not coming this time, or b). exactly what your expectations are this time, and what the consequences will be, if there’s a repeat of last time - i.e. he will be removed and taken home. And then you have to follow through.

Leave DS at home. My 6 yo DD has a lovely friend with a lovely mum and we never have them around because the little brother is a terror and the mother just seems amused.

I had a wild boy once and now he’s an excellent young adult. I sympathise, but also can’t be bothered to have one in my house again. The mum friend won’t even drop off her DD because the DS would be upset, so the DD suffers a lack of invitations.

Have a firm chat beforehand, be very specific about expectations and explain that any poor behaviour means that he goes straight home.

But also, keep your expectations realistic. At age three or four, 2 hours is plenty of time for a playdate. Much longer than this and many children will get tired and overstimulated.

I would plan on running DS to exhaustion just before the playdate, so that he is happy to sit and do crafts. Then when you get there, the slightest hint of gearing up, take him straight outside to the garden to jump up and down 20 times and get his fidgets out, then back in to continue. If he starts to amp up again, straight outside for 20 jumps and then another go. If it happens three times then give up and go home.

I don’t think you should leave DS at home, but should set the expectations that you will be doing quiet craft stuff.

Plan to go to the park half way through, as it’s a long time for a boisterous kid to do quiet activities.

Thing is, if it happens again, you probably won't get invited on a play date ever again.

And you know how Mums talk.

You don't want to be ostracised. You don't want your child to be the only one who doesn't get invited to parties or activities.

Maybe leave it a while longer until your child is a bit older?

We have offered but she pointed out that my house I no longer toddler friendly, I have legos and various other mini toys that a toddler probably shouldn’t have (she’s not even 2.5 yet). She instead suggested out and about for a while and now back to hers. We take fair turns of the non kid events but she seems to like hosting the kids stuff. She’s the full energy type (used to be a pro dancer) so I think she secretly enjoys borrowing my high energy kid as her DD is so laid back and chill.

Could you and your husband both go, on the understanding that if your little one is wild, your husband can take him out of the situation? Or at least have your husband nearby (coffee shop?) if it’s a ladies only thing.

It sounds like you handled it well last time, and you would hope any mum would be understanding that children aren’t automatons and do have mad days sometimes! It seems she didn’t mind as she has invited you back. I can see why you want to give him another shot, but also why you want an exit strategy if needed.

Bloody hell he's only 4 🤣 He's not being naughty OP, he's an excited puppy of a 4 year old, although you'll have the usual suspects telling you to be firm and strict. 4 hours is too long for a playdate, probably 2 hours is at that age. Make it shorter, and go outside. Kids always go mad inside I find, and you get anxious as it isn't your house, the kids pick up the stress and get even louder, I mean it all gets too much. I would suggest a park with a cafe next time! Otherwise you end up spending the whole time telling your child off and it's not fair on anyone.

Also you sound like a great mum OP

This does happen with certain friendship dynamics I think. Our DC is usually the calm, quiet one but with one friend she goes a bit bonkers. One time the two of them ran off down the road holding hands and almost straight into traffic - she would never ever do that solo, nor would her friend! Me and friend’s mum monitor them much more closely now and they do have fun play dates. However they’re not ruining anyone else’s day and I’d remove her if she was. So I’d say leave your DS at home, at least until you trial a play date with the 3 year old.

Not everyone operates a "one/two/three strikes and you're out" approach to playdates.

Many parents appreciate that some children are harder nuts to crack than others and don't mind so long as the parents are trying their best.

You should have just taken DS home as soon as he played up.

I would take him but tell him you will take him home if he is naughty.

Warn the host that you will take home if he plays up. Would the other friend mind your dd if you left with DS?

It shouldn't have taken two hours for you to intervene and remove him, the first time around. If I were the host I would have been thinking WTAF?!

Leave him home. He won't be "disappointed," if he isn't told about it. He's 4. He can stay with his dad; you and your daughter go.

Take him to the park and run him ragged in advance to take the edge off, then set out very clearly the consequences for misbehaviour (immediate removal) and follow through? Or don’t take him. Either is perfectly reasonable.

It wasn’t two hours of constant bad behaviour, the first 30 min were fine, then they played up and I offered to go and the host said no they are fine and tried to distract them. They played up again and this time didn’t listen or calm which is when I left. It wasn’t constant bad behaviour.

I'd leave the 4 year old at home for everyone's sake. Just take your daughter.

This.
any naughty behaviour, dad collects - and stick to it.