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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 19/10/2023 13:17

I like @HoHoHoliday ’s suggestion. That sounds good.
Otherwise , I’ll expect that as you told them about the voucher, that will come off the bill first and the rest will be split between 3 people as I wouldn’t expect you to pay again after using your voucher.
The other option is you could say the baby sitter cancelled and just cancel on them and go and use it another time with your partner and try not to bring it up again.

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 13:17

Screamingabdabz · 19/10/2023 13:14

Personally I wouldn’t lie or try and weasel out of it - I’d end up sucking it up and taking the financial hit. You invited them, so if you have integrity you’ll honour it.

I think you're right

OP posts:
NoRealChange · 19/10/2023 13:17

Just cancel for any other reason. Much cleaner. Rebook another time when they wil have forgotten.

Kitfish · 19/10/2023 13:19

Just checking. You do realise you're going to get a £60-£120 tax bill for the BIK value of your voucher at year end (in your P11D)? So really the voucher is worth £240-£180 to you depending on your marginal tax rate. Sharing it means they will get the benefit while you get left with the tax to pay.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/10/2023 13:19

The voucher covers you and your partner, then the rest goes off of your friends bills

Graciebobcat · 19/10/2023 13:19

I would just take the voucher off then split the rest.

Petrine · 19/10/2023 13:24

I would cancel going with your friend and her partner. It’s your birthday treat and worrying about finances is spoiling it for you.

You said your friends have a lot more disposable income and eating out is a weekly thing. That being the case they won’t be disappointed in the least as eating out regularly is no big deal for them.

MeAgainLondon · 19/10/2023 13:25

We have this / similar situations in my friendship group a lot and the person with the voucher never pays (unless it doesn't cover their portion). If there is any left over then it goes toward the rest of the bill then split.
IMO You and your partner should not have to pay additional if the bill came to £600 as your voucher covers your part of the bill.

TheSoapyFrog · 19/10/2023 13:28

Personally (because I have the spine of a jellyfish) I would cry it off and cancel the booking saying I can't make it. Wait a while, and then rebook just me and DH.

Do your friends definitely remember the plans? We often make all sorts of arrangements after a few wines, and then it's forgotten about in the morning.

If you decide to go ahead, I would put the voucher in, and the remainder be divided up amongst you all.

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 13:30

I would expect that they pay anything over and above the voucher, assuming that £300 is at least half the bill. You do need to be clear about this up front and give them the chance to pull out if they aren't up for paying for an expensive meal. If they are decent people they will understand.

Colourfulponderings · 19/10/2023 13:30

I would be honest and tell them, in hindsight, you so rarely get to go out on a date you’d actually like to go with just DH, especially as you have a voucher for somewhere you can’t usually afford. And suggest that you all go out as a group another time (somewhere reasonably priced).

HappyPurrrsday · 19/10/2023 13:32

I would probably expect the voucher go towards everyone's meals and then split the bill equally between the two couples. Assuming everyone orders similar amounts of food/drink.

stylishnot · 19/10/2023 13:32

RoyKentFanclub · 19/10/2023 12:45

Cancel citing a family commitment or something vague and then don’t rearrange it. Then go on your own with your husband.

otherwise, share the voucher.

This. Very silly of you to mention the voucher because it comes across as you intending to pay . That is a very fair assumption for them to make. You should be sharing this with your dh not friends who can easily afford this and do it often.

rookiemere · 19/10/2023 13:33

I would message them and say

" I've been overthinking on this voucher and think I got a bit enthusiastic after a few shandies. It might be simpler if DH and I go to chez swanky as a twosome and we go to <cheap and cheerful > other restaurant in November. Do any of these dates suit ? "

MsRosley · 19/10/2023 13:33

Thedm · 19/10/2023 12:48

Cancel the dinner. Tell them you can’t go. Then use the voucher with your partner and tell them you had to use it before it expired if they mention it again. If they don’t, then you don’t bring it up either.

Yeah, I'd do this and wriggle out of the whole dilemma.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 19/10/2023 13:33

I must live on a different planet to everyone else, as if I was invited in this scenario it wouldn't even cross my mind that the voucher would go towards my bill. I'd fully expect that I'd be paying for myself unless explicitly told otherwise. Anyone who expects you to use your birthday present to pay for them is a cheeky fucker!

I do think it's worth clarifying before the date though. Totally reasonable for you to say that the voucher will pay for you (and your partner if that's what you'd planned), any left over can go towards their bill but you're just checking they're expecting to pay the rest.

neilyoungismyhero · 19/10/2023 13:33

@ClarkGablesMoustache think this is a perfect option OP.

MrsMara · 19/10/2023 13:39

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 19/10/2023 13:33

I must live on a different planet to everyone else, as if I was invited in this scenario it wouldn't even cross my mind that the voucher would go towards my bill. I'd fully expect that I'd be paying for myself unless explicitly told otherwise. Anyone who expects you to use your birthday present to pay for them is a cheeky fucker!

I do think it's worth clarifying before the date though. Totally reasonable for you to say that the voucher will pay for you (and your partner if that's what you'd planned), any left over can go towards their bill but you're just checking they're expecting to pay the rest.

Same! I can't imagine thinking I would be benefitting from a friend's gift unless explicitly told otherwise.

How you worded it is key here OP. Personally I wouldn't make up stories about cancelling etc. If they are good friends you simply call them up and say you have been excitedly checking out menu and see that the voucher barely covers you and dh, and are they still up for going given its going to be a pricey dinner date FOR THEM.

They are good friends not work colleagues, I don't understand why you can't be honest.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 19/10/2023 13:41

I’d imagine that they’ll assume that the overall bill will have the voucher taken off and then you’ll all split the reminder so they benefit from the voucher too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have needed to mention how you were planning to pay for your share (cash, card, voucher).

If you only want to use the voucher for yourselves, you should have either not mentioned it or just booked dinner for two. Otherwise, when the bill comes the other couple will be the only ones paying for anything which probably isn’t what they are expecting.

If you don’t want them using your voucher but can’t face the embarrassment of telling them, you could call the restaurant and ask them to deduct your voucher as a deposit. Then when the bill comes, they can pay the rest.

plumtreebroke · 19/10/2023 13:41

You pay for the meal for four, each couple buy there own drinks, hopefully the voucher will cover your drinks as well, any left over goes towards the other couples drinks. You are treating the meal not the drinks. Tell them in advance that is what you are doing.

Ktime · 19/10/2023 13:42

I would just cancel and go with DP alone.

You’ll spend the evening anxious about the bill arriving.

They’re cheeky fuckers any way if they want to benefit from your voucher.

Ktime · 19/10/2023 13:43

plumtreebroke · 19/10/2023 13:41

You pay for the meal for four, each couple buy there own drinks, hopefully the voucher will cover your drinks as well, any left over goes towards the other couples drinks. You are treating the meal not the drinks. Tell them in advance that is what you are doing.

Why should she treat them, it would literally cost her money to treat them.

I hate the way people spend other people’s money here.

FindRachel · 19/10/2023 13:45

plumtreebroke · 19/10/2023 13:41

You pay for the meal for four, each couple buy there own drinks, hopefully the voucher will cover your drinks as well, any left over goes towards the other couples drinks. You are treating the meal not the drinks. Tell them in advance that is what you are doing.

Talk about over complicating the situation.

pasturesgreen · 19/10/2023 13:49

Thedm · 19/10/2023 12:48

Cancel the dinner. Tell them you can’t go. Then use the voucher with your partner and tell them you had to use it before it expired if they mention it again. If they don’t, then you don’t bring it up either.

This.

Granted, it's not ideal but since you mentioned about the voucher that's what I would do.
Make up some illness or something else reasonably vague, cancel, rearrange just for the two if you and never mention it again.

Friends will likely be a bit miffed but hopefully won't mind too much (I know I wouldn't expect to share in a friend's birthday trear in the circumstances, so I wouldn't be offended if you had a change of heart).

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 13:50

MeAgainLondon · 19/10/2023 13:25

We have this / similar situations in my friendship group a lot and the person with the voucher never pays (unless it doesn't cover their portion). If there is any left over then it goes toward the rest of the bill then split.
IMO You and your partner should not have to pay additional if the bill came to £600 as your voucher covers your part of the bill.

I feel like this makes perfect sense! Split the bill in half, we use my voucher for our half and either pay rest of ours if it doesn't quite cover the full half. Or, if it does cover our half and there's any left, put it towards their half.

Sounds complicated but it isn't!

Great idea! I feel less stressed now and I will speak to our friends beforehand to make sure they're aware.

Thanks everyone for your (mostly) helpful advice! :)

OP posts: