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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
Letsgetouttahere2023 · 20/10/2023 22:28

Can you tell the friends that the restaurant have called and said voucher only applied for dinner for 2 on restricted dates? Then go do something cheap and cheerful that night the 4 of you and do the swanky meal another time just you and husband

Rustiered · 20/10/2023 22:54

MadMadaMim · 20/10/2023 21:14

Whatever you decide, you need to let the other couple know and make sure they're OK to go.

The fairest split is whatever the bill comes to, your DH and the other couple split whatever is over the £300 3 ways. Eg if bill is £600, you put in the voucher and they pay £100 each.

They need to know up front. The worst thing you could do is not say anything and then have that awful awkward 'how are we splitting the bill' moment.

The fairest split is whatever everyone has willingly agreed. OP you may have to pay tax on the gift you have received? You might feel differently after considering the tax implications of the "gift".

Anele22 · 20/10/2023 23:12

Definitely cancel . It’s a real shame to spend this lovely treat on other people than yourself and your partner.

Make a plausible excuse as PP have suggested – family issue or just not feeling very well and don’t rearrange

Nazzywish · 21/10/2023 01:07

You should cancel with friends and go for a nice birthday dinner with partner only. E upfront and say you fancy making the most of it as a date night. Don't overcomplicate life. Its hard enough.

Screamingabdabz · 21/10/2023 02:15

Hope you enjoy your meal op. Glad it all worked out.

Still (probably naively) horrified and aghast at the sheer amount of people who advocate for bare-faced lying. It’s worrying that so many people don’t value honesty and integrity in relationships.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 04:02

I'm afraid you do have to clarify with them so you all know what to expect. But I would assume that the £300 is going in the kitty unless told otherwise.

Dilligafat · 21/10/2023 08:31

Enjoy your meal Op. And cancel the cheque. 😂😂

Phoenixfire1988 · 21/10/2023 10:02

You mentioned the voucher and invited them along are you completely sure they aren't under the impression you would be using this voucher to pay for them aswell ?
Honestly I'd just cancel say your ill and go another time with just your dh

Phoenixfire1988 · 21/10/2023 10:11

Also instead of being able to splurge a bit and get what you want you're now going to have to watch what you order and how many drinks you both have as they're 100% expecting to share that voucher so you've sabotaged yourself here I'm afraid and what would of been a lovely relaxed evening is now going to be you scrimping and stressed instead

Dillydollydingdong · 21/10/2023 16:07

That's £75 each! Loads of money to spend on a meal! You've invited friends out so you can't really cancel. They won't be friends for long! Maybe the friends could be responsible for the drinks?

Ktime · 21/10/2023 16:10

Dillydollydingdong · 21/10/2023 16:07

That's £75 each! Loads of money to spend on a meal! You've invited friends out so you can't really cancel. They won't be friends for long! Maybe the friends could be responsible for the drinks?

🙄

startrekmum · 21/10/2023 18:28

I can see you’re a very thoughtful and kind person. However it’s causing you anxiety so I think it’s best to be honest with your friends and just say can we arrange another night out and go somewhere else. They’ll understand being your friends. And just you and your hubby use the voucher and enjoy it yourselves. It’s your voucher and was given to you to have a great time. As you say you can easily spend it with just a meal for 2, cocktails and wine. Just gets really complicated when inviting more people.

lemondropsunrise · 21/10/2023 20:17

This is easy. Cancel the dinner and agree to reschedule. When you reschedule do so somewhere affordable. Use the voucher for you and DP.

Milwardj · 22/10/2023 00:13

Communicate with them - they are friends. You have been given a voucher for your birthday so enjoy it and don’t stress the small stuff.

My other half and I tend to be the couple who do the fine dining and we understand that other couples in the friendship group perhaps don’t have the disposable income to do the same. Which is a shame as we would love to share the experience with them but they would never accept the ‘freebie’.

If they had a voucher and invited us we would be over the moon. Would definitely expect their meals to be paid with voucher and split bill the rest of us. We would just be thrilled to be able to do something we don’t often get to do.

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 09:56

Put clear boundaries in place upfront.
Get your partner to text or call one or both of them and simply say either :

  1. would you mind terribly if we go out another night as I was hoping to take her to (posh restaurant) as a bit of a romantic evening for her birthday, as we never get to go out !

OR

  1. Really looking forward to our meal at (posh restaurant) next week, would you mind covering any access cost above what the voucher covers, as obviously that’s her gift for her birthday so will cover mine and her meals, and hopefully some of yours too!

personally If the meal came to £400 I’d be expecting to pay £50 and my partner the other £50 as the guests!

but don’t wait until night to tell them that £150 of the voucher isn’t ‘theirs’ as that will ruin the night for them and ruin the friendship if they’re suddenly slammed with an unexpected bill

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 09:58

Also if you tell now that the voucher is yours and any remaining bill is theirs, it gives them time to make their excuses and drop out

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 09:59

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 09:58

Also if you tell now that the voucher is yours and any remaining bill is theirs, it gives them time to make their excuses and drop out

You haven't even read the OP's posts from 4 days ago now, have you? 😀

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:00

Or text ahead and simply say, hope you don’t mind getting separate bills next week and I’m expecting the voucher to only barely cover our meals and drinks!

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:01

I read all the next posts… until I got to ‘see all’ which indicates her final comment yes!

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 10:11

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:01

I read all the next posts… until I got to ‘see all’ which indicates her final comment yes!

Maybe easier to read all OP's posts on a long running thread prior to posting advice?!

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:18

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 10:11

Maybe easier to read all OP's posts on a long running thread prior to posting advice?!

Show quote history

Well I pressed ‘next’ on each one which usually works just fine, no idea why it left off some and instead said ‘see all’ like it usually does once you’ve read all….. but never mind….. No one’s died or suffered any huge loss due to me commenting! (Apart from you apparently!… who feels the need to comment on my comments)

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 10:22

who feels the need to comment on my comments

🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a forum. That's what people do!

No need to see it as a drama, just pointing out its strange to have posted comments without catching up with the thread outcome from a few days ago. 😊

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:22

As long as being patronising brightens your day though and makes you feel somehow superior, I’m happy to take that fall. 😂
Have a lovely Sunday

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:24

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 10:22

who feels the need to comment on my comments

🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a forum. That's what people do!

No need to see it as a drama, just pointing out its strange to have posted comments without catching up with the thread outcome from a few days ago. 😊

I’d already explained why I never saw some of her updates….. and you carried on commenting with your patronising …
hope you’ve enjoyed it

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2023 10:24

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 10:22

As long as being patronising brightens your day though and makes you feel somehow superior, I’m happy to take that fall. 😂
Have a lovely Sunday

How odd? Not being patronising. Not feeling superior.

Liking your PA finish though 🙄