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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
TLDRfuckers · 20/10/2023 18:08

I’ve got a fucking headache just from reading this thread.

Next time sell up and move to a remote island in the southern pacific, it’ll be better for everyone.

Dilligafat · 20/10/2023 18:08

People could read the fucking thread. At least Op's posts... then stop handing out advice that isn't needed.

Glasgowgal200 · 20/10/2023 18:17

Wow - what a lovely boss you have!!!! Very generous. I'd just pay for you and your partner

millymog11 · 20/10/2023 18:23

Not read the whole thread but if I were in your shoes OP I would just send the friend you invited an email now before the big day saying something along the lines of "i feel bad that after a few drinks I assume you and [friendx] would want to spend money in the restaurant I was talking about as in the cold light of day I am not sure whether you would pick that place for a night out. Sorry for being presumptuous and I totally understand if you don't want to spend your hard earned cash there"
Then let your friend reply. They have the perfect get-out-of-it excuse now if they don't want to go but at the same time you are making it clear that the voucher you have is intended to pay for what you and your husband eat/drink.

DoniAsia · 20/10/2023 18:24

hi always-striving, sounds like you felt excited about a lovely dinner date with hubby for dedicated time together just the two of you. And in your excitement asked your friends along too. So now loadsa stuff seems to be going on 1)excited about hubby connection time 2) excited about getting away from the day to day stuff 3)worried about your financial security 4) worried about holding on to child-free friends 5) regret about losing exciting hubby connection time. Suggestion - quick honest chat with your friends along the lines of ... you'd love to hang out but this voucher was for you+hubs, and you need that time with him so you are uninviting them to the dinner but inviting them to something else that you propose (a later fun gig that you could all do together but wouldn't burn a hole in your pocket) i had a similar situation to this a few weeks ago and decided to go for the total honesty approach and my friend was great, she totally understood and i felt relieved/grateful that she is my friend. good lukc

pictoosh · 20/10/2023 18:36

I have only one question. Can anyone 'flash' a voucher? I mean it's a voucher...I don't know that they're flashy...are they?

Honestly some folk not only pick up the ball and run with it, they header it on out of the ballpark as well. Creative writing class, that's my advice.

OP I'd chuck the voucher in for all and take the hit. Inviting them along was only ever going to muddy the waters but you know that now, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I hope the food is incredible. Enjoy.

Jem123456789 · 20/10/2023 18:55

So you’ll have to share the £300 but then anything over and above would be for your two friends to pay. Tbh I’d call them before to make sure this was ok with them. If not then they will bow out (hopefully graciously) and if they agreed then happy days and it’s not on your mind. Communication prior is the key!

MrsPositivity1 · 20/10/2023 18:58

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

If the bill was £700 you pay your £300 voucher plus £50. They pay £350

Holliegee · 20/10/2023 19:16

Why don’t you say, that you don’t want to go there as a group as it’s so expensive - if they want to go without you then they could buy the voucher off you at a reduced price.
that way you get some money to do what you enjoy, they get to go a bit cheaper and if they say no then you can keep the voucher and go with your partner at another time .

Snowflakeslayer · 20/10/2023 19:20

The voucher is yours, they pay for what they have, the £300 comes off your share. There shouldn’t be any confusion from either side.

samupnorth · 20/10/2023 19:42

I would feign illness and cancel OP. Less stress all round.

Sophie89j · 20/10/2023 19:51

No advice, such a lovely gesture! Hope you sort it out, if it’s any consolation, my MD gave me a set of dominos for my birthday a few years ago and the year before gave me a random pair of sunglasses (potentially second hand), for context I’m 33 and wear glasses, neither appeal to me.

Ilovecleaning · 20/10/2023 19:59

SawX · 19/10/2023 12:32

Have you thought of taking in ironing?

Shitty reply

Frances0911 · 20/10/2023 20:00

Tell her you're partner is ill so you'll have to cancel it. Try to avoid contacting them in the near future so that they might 'forget' and don't ever mention it to them again.

Schooldilemma2345 · 20/10/2023 20:03

Do you have ADHD? The reason I ask is because I do and everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me and I completely relate to your overthinking and worrying about what to do. I also get carried away when I’ve had a couple of drinks and invite people to things only to wish I could completely back-pedal once I’ve had time to properly process the reality!
No advice really except to say you’ll feel better if you’re direct and work out what you’re going to do beforehand.

Sleepytiredyawn · 20/10/2023 20:15

Check out the menu and see what you and your partner are likely to spend, if there will be money left from the voucher, share it but tell friends they need to pay the balance.

Brefugee · 20/10/2023 20:17

be clear that you are going out as a group, and that you will be paying for yours and they will be paying for theirs.

HOW you pay for yours is none of their business. You could buy them a cocktail or pay for an extra bottle of wine if you're feeling generous?

Hobnob22 · 20/10/2023 20:37

Just cancel and don't rearrange it...

Rewis · 20/10/2023 20:43

In MN world bill splitting threads are always entertaining and sp for away from my reality

Rustiered · 20/10/2023 20:58

redribbonrose · 20/10/2023 17:23

Il sorry but even a really really good restaurant in my (expensive) town will get you a fabulous meal for 2 for £300

What on earth is this pricey place you cannot afford ?

A friend invited us to his birthday celebrations at his favourite London restaurant, £110 per head, - excluding wine. He paid - we really didn't want him to - he chose the wine and I'd rather not know what he paid for it, I'd guess at least £80 -£100 - I hope it was not more but it was some of the best wine I have ever tasted. Very easy to spend more than £150/head.

EdgeK · 20/10/2023 21:13

You invited them after a few glasses of wine, it's kindhearted of you. Not sure why you're getting such negativity on here!
As with all restaurant bill dilemmas, it's very simple. You say beforehand what YOU want to do. They can say yes or no. Might be awkward, but suck it up.
True friends understand different circumstances.
Whatever happens, I hope you have fab night!

MadMadaMim · 20/10/2023 21:14

Whatever you decide, you need to let the other couple know and make sure they're OK to go.

The fairest split is whatever the bill comes to, your DH and the other couple split whatever is over the £300 3 ways. Eg if bill is £600, you put in the voucher and they pay £100 each.

They need to know up front. The worst thing you could do is not say anything and then have that awful awkward 'how are we splitting the bill' moment.

Jacesmum1977 · 20/10/2023 22:00

The voucher was a gift to you.
You and your SO were going to have a lovely meal out, somewhere that is a right treat. That transpired into a meal with friends.
When you was discussing it with them was it implied that you’d fully foot the bill, or that you’d use the voucher and that they’d pay the difference?
If you wish to share the voucher with your friends then do, it’s up to you and it’s a lovely gesture.

If you’re uncertain and anxious about what the etiquette will be on the night, just speak to them about it or your SO at least.

yeahwhatev · 20/10/2023 22:12

What kind of place is this? Surely for 4 people you could use £300 and then split the bill 4 ways for any excess after that? How much could it possibly be? If it's super duper expensive just tell them that you've decide to make it special night for the two of you but you'd love to arrange a bigger night for all of you another time.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/10/2023 22:26

Agree, the £300 goes towards your share and will probably cover the wine as well, and the other 3 split the rest. You could message ahead saying that's what you intend to do as whilst you'd love to cover it all you are unfortunately not able to at this time. Go for some drinks somewhere cheaper first as well.....

I think you were lovely to share your excitement and invite them, and I bet you have a really fun evening!