Dinner with friends predicament...

[alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace]

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

I would never have done that though, that's just what someone else suggested.

It was not a "faux pas". My friend asked what I got for my birthday. I told her about the voucher and said "we're going on xx day, you guys should come!"

It was up to her and her partner to decide if they wanted to come and pay for their half. I certainly would never expect anyone to spend their birthday gift on me!

Just say. So the my voucher is for 300. So we will be able to contribute to some of your cost. It's doubtful it will cover it all so I am assuming you're happy to cover any excess over the 300?

They on Mumsnet?

What a nice way of letting you off the hook, if so, well done them. 😂

Or just say. On reflection, my oh was a bit disappointed as we never get to have a dinner date together. Would you mind of we went just the 2 of us and we can do something the 4 of us somewhere more affordable in the near future?

I have an employer who does this (🤔same one?). While it seems lovely, it is a double-edged gift because the voucher is a lot of money but doesn’t cover dinner and wine for 2 so ends up costing money. Yes £300 disappears horrifically quickly! My partner is a fussy eater and isn’t very interested in fine dining

My solution is to split it with my friend who loves fine dining and good wines. The deal is that they pay everything over the amount covered by the voucher and they get to choose the wine! That way we have a lovely meal and an experience that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford. I see it as a special treat for us once a year. Another tip is to go for lunch as lunch menus can be less expensive, and you don’t tend to drink as much 🫣.

Bottom line is it needs to be discussed in advance. Be honest with your friends and say you were tipsy and don’t remember what was agreed but as you are worried about the cost can you clarify how you’ll divide the bill. Unfortunately 4 ppl drinking and eating will probably be more expensive than 2 ppl being careful with the amount spent. 😬you might have to chalk it up to experience and swallow the pain and focus on having a special night out with friends. Hope it goes well and you enjoy it.

And find a way to tactfully get your employer to do something else next year!!!

"we're going here for my birthday, would you like to come?"

It depends on the relationship dynamic of course. And what's usual for you.

But inviting someone, as opposed to suggesting a get together & agreeing the venue mutually, is really putting someone on the spot.

Speaking as someone on a very limited income, but with very well-off siblings, it's awkward to have to say 'I really can't afford that'. (I mean I do when I have to, but they don't get my situation so it often needs to be spelt out. Also they'd then probably offer to pay, which I don't necessarily want).
One brother will occasionally invite me to dinner, and make it clear he's paying. That's lovely as it's a treat & no awkward conversations.

It's the 'inviting' part that makes the difference, imo

Thank you! 😊

It was not a "faux pas". My friend asked what I got for my birthday. I told her about the voucher and said "we're going on xx day, you guys should come!"
It was up to her and her partner to decide if they wanted to come and pay for their half. I certainly would never expect anyone to spend their birthday gift on me!

If you really thought this, what was this thread for? If you were so sure they were going to pay their half? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ahhh, that was a quick, satisfactory ending.

I was loving that tale. Hoping it was going to run to another chapter.

I have come to the conclusion after spending an afternoon reading soooo many replies, suggestions and advice!!!

Quite.

Sounds like your friends feel bad about you potentially spending your voucher on them.

They sound like good eggs, and have passed the vibe check. 😊

I would give them a bag of chocolates in light of their rubbish week. Celebrations are £4 in Tesco.

What a lovely reply and a lovely idea, I will do this! Thanks :)

You told them about the voucher and then invited them. I would interpret that to mean the voucher was being used for all of us. I would let everyone know beforehand that the portion of the bill not covered by the voucher, would be their responsibility. That way everyone would be clear going in.

I think this is one of those things where people have differing opinions based on what their families have always done, if someone invited us out to a meal for a birthday I would assume we'd pay our own way, and all bung in for a tip at the end.

The only time it's not like this, is if they said do you want to go out for 'whoever's birthday, our treat? or if it was at a venue with food (buffet).

My in laws are of the opinion that if you invite, you pay, which I personally think is daft, we go out at least once a month where as in laws probably do it once a year.. I know what I prefer!

This

You are overthinking.

Simply call them, tell them you are cancelling because on reflection, you want to use this unusual treat for just yourself and your husband (especially if it's the first time you've been). I think this is a valid reason on its own.

If they are real friends, they'll understand.

You can always say that maybe you'll have dinner together another time - whether you do or not is another matter. Or invite them to yours.

Do it ASAP. Don't leave it, don't overthink.

There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, we are all human.

I don't think you have to share this unusual gift, especially if you are short of money.

But, if they are often treating you and being generous, then maybe it's an opportunity to share.

Cancel - tell the friends you didn’t realise but it was for 2. Lol.

Well, youve mentioned it now and insinuated you'll be using the voucher whilst your there with them

So you can either say now that the voucher is for you and DP only and give them chance to back out or you can suck it up and use the voucher for all of you on the night

Dont know why you mentioned it to them and arranged a night WITH them if you didnt want to share it?

Just message
” I've just looked at the menu & despite our initial thoughts about treating you even with the voucher the bill will still be pretty substantial & we won’t be able to pay the difference. Do you mind coming here for supper instead? “
They will probably come back and say they’ll cover it but you want to make sure it would be really annoying if the bill comes to £500. & you have to pay it all.

Have a lovely meal. It sounds like you had plans to talk to your friends about the bill, in advance of going out, so well done on that.

@sandyhappypeople

I agree - it does depend on family / friendship dynamics.

However, even the act of inviting to a specific place is pressurising, particularly if linked to a birthday. People feel pressure to go, especially as it's an occasion.

It's different saying: anyone fancy a night out? Where / when would suit?

That way, options for venues & dates are open.

Thank you :) xx

Maybe you've been outed and she read the thread.

This reminds me of a time when I was skint when my kids were little and my friend texted to say she had a 2 for 1 voucher for pizza express and did I want to go out for tea? She gave her voucher in when we asked for the bill and l just assumed that would mean the total bill would be cheaper and then we'd just split that cheaper bill in half. But no, she saw it that she'd "paid" for her pizza with her voucher. Bloody mug that I was, and too young and naiive, I didn't say anything and just paid up the full price for my pizza, dessert and drink while she just paid for her dessert and drink. I wouldn't have gone with her if I'd known she was going to be so stingy, I couldn't afford a full price bloody pizza at the time.

Lesson learned. Always check people's expectations before you agree to anything monetary.