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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 22:46

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

😂at the idea of people "feigning" hosting. I've never known anyone "feign" hosting in my life!

Sorry, but I am just not going to tell people that I'm "sending the menu so you can see prices". That just sounds so clumsy to me and with the people I mix with, totally unnecessary as no-one would ever assume I was paying. If they want to google the restaurant and check prices then they can. The only time I *might" link to the menu is if we were talking serious $$$$ and I was afraid they didn't realise. Though then I'd probably be up front and say " you do realise the Fat Duck only has a £300 tasting menu don't you??".

To be fair, I probably would state the price up front for the theatre. Because in that case I'd be buying the tickets online and would expect them to transfer the money over at some point. I'd probably also have a chat about which price category we should go for.

I think what this thread makes clear is that there are different norms in different circles. Within your own circle you don't have to spell everything out.

maddening · 19/10/2023 22:52

If you were my friend I would not expect you to use your voucher to cover my bill, maybe buy me drink but really I always expect to pay for myself when I go out with friends - unless someone said they were specifically treating me for a reason and even then I would want to pay some myself whether it was pre dinner drinks and covering the tip or something.

Gooseysgirl · 19/10/2023 22:54

NRTFT. The easiest and fairest route to go down is put the £300 towards the bill. It's your birthday so you don't pay anything for your meal (and maybe the drinks), whatever the balance left over is split three ways between your DP and the two friends.

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 23:05

@LaurieStrode I don’t “believe” anything. I feel like you’ve just made up extra details in your head, including me being some sort of villain?! I merely asked for advice which is what this forum is for isn’t it?!!!

Now, I’ve explained that the situation has been resolved so why are you still harping on at me? It’s sorted! Thanks for your input!

OP posts:
AugustTime82 · 20/10/2023 07:09

Hi! Ignore the people who have obviously not had a good day. You wanted to share some good news and it turned into something you regret - we have all done it!

I would honestly speak to your friends and ask them if it would be okay to just go with your husband. Tell them that you would love to do something with them too, but that you don’t get a chance to have a romantic meal together and really want to make it special and private. Ask them if they would mind - I can pretty much guarantee they won’t if they’re good friends :)

dont lie to them. Don’t cancel and then hide, that’s just rude. Be honest with them, and organise to have them over to yours for food or something like that.

happy birthday by the way x

DottyLottieLou · 20/10/2023 07:38

God, people are so horrible and self righteous on here. They obviously have no idea what helpful advice is.

vickylou78 · 20/10/2023 07:48

Cancel it and don't rearrange. Just quietly go with husband.

Themerrygoround · 20/10/2023 08:07

@alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace id call
them up and say . Hey I’ve been looking at prices at that restaurant and I don’t think we can afford it . There is no way £300 will
cover us all . See how the convo goes . They May Say oh let’s split as we would love to try it or why don’t you offer for you and them to
go out somewhere else Saturday (dh babysits) and you and dh re book the table and use voucher another time. .
It let’s friends know you still want to spend time With them , after all they are expecting to have plans this weekend .

Rustiered · 20/10/2023 08:10

DottyLottieLou · 20/10/2023 07:38

God, people are so horrible and self righteous on here. They obviously have no idea what helpful advice is.

It's the posters who believe they hold an encyclopedic knowledge of etiquette who are often the worst offenders (one assumes it's only theoretical as they often display the worst manners online.)

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 20/10/2023 08:16

Tbh I would speak to your friends and discuss how you're going to split the bill before going out. Plenty of threads where people haven't done this and someone's nose is out of joint.

kingkongs · 20/10/2023 08:22

Maybe they read this thread and decided to let you off the hook 😂

LolSpinner · 20/10/2023 09:14

Would the voucher cover lunch at the restaurant? If so go for lunch instead.

VintageBlossomHill · 20/10/2023 09:46

It was very kind of you to invite your friends.

I’d send a text something along the lines of this.

“Hi girls, really looking forward to our evening out. I’ve been thinking about how to handle the bill. As you know, I got a voucher for my birthday but this won’t cover a meal/drinks for 4. I was going to use the voucher to pay for my meal/drinks and use any remainder of that towards the rest of the bill. Any extra could be split three ways between yourselves and DP. This ok?”

I hope you have a lovely evening.

Bootsandbooks · 20/10/2023 10:12

@HoppingPavlova I was thinking this too! Given this thread is trending and has so many identifying details, it seems too much of a coincidence that her friend suddenly cancels

zeibesaffron · 20/10/2023 10:40

I would cancel it - say you aren’t feeling great, and that you will look to rearrange something soon!

Cornishclio · 20/10/2023 10:53

If the restaurant is that expensive you have to speak to them first and make it clear that the voucher is to cover your meal as it was a present and any left over will go to the table to be split between them and your partner but they will need to pay something. That sounds like a really pricey place though.

Personally I would put them off unless they are adamant they will cover their share.

SawX · 20/10/2023 11:07

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 22:26

Why are you both having a pop at the OP? I don't see her posts as snarky or her 'being a twat'. Stop having a go at her.

You're not the arbiter of what's snarky and what isn't. Concentrate on your own posts.

NamelessNancy · 20/10/2023 11:24

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 19/10/2023 13:33

I must live on a different planet to everyone else, as if I was invited in this scenario it wouldn't even cross my mind that the voucher would go towards my bill. I'd fully expect that I'd be paying for myself unless explicitly told otherwise. Anyone who expects you to use your birthday present to pay for them is a cheeky fucker!

I do think it's worth clarifying before the date though. Totally reasonable for you to say that the voucher will pay for you (and your partner if that's what you'd planned), any left over can go towards their bill but you're just checking they're expecting to pay the rest.

Me too. Wouldn't expect someone to use their birthday gift to pay for my meal in a million years!

If I was the invited couple I'd totally assume the gift voucher was for your meal and as much as Dp's as it would cover.

beanii · 20/10/2023 11:38

I'd explain to your friends that you've decided you'd just like a romantic meal with your husband instead 🤷‍♀️

If you decide against that then if you say the voucher will cover you and your husband, just use the voucher and friends split the remaining between them.

ALJT · 20/10/2023 12:34

I’ve done this exact thing before. We had £100 voucher off employer and like you, I got abit drunk and offered them to come.. we live in north east where everything is a little cheaper so our bill came to £130 for 4 of us in a nice Indian restaurant.. we just paid the £100 and they paid the £30 xx

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/10/2023 15:05

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 23:05

@LaurieStrode I don’t “believe” anything. I feel like you’ve just made up extra details in your head, including me being some sort of villain?! I merely asked for advice which is what this forum is for isn’t it?!!!

Now, I’ve explained that the situation has been resolved so why are you still harping on at me? It’s sorted! Thanks for your input!

Edited

That's mumsnet for you were people read ABC and extrapolate to XYZ and keep harping on and on and on.

You've decided what to do so you don't need to spend any more time responding to people here.

redribbonrose · 20/10/2023 17:23

Il sorry but even a really really good restaurant in my (expensive) town will get you a fabulous meal for 2 for £300

What on earth is this pricey place you cannot afford ?

pinkspeakers · 20/10/2023 17:38

redribbonrose · 20/10/2023 17:23

Il sorry but even a really really good restaurant in my (expensive) town will get you a fabulous meal for 2 for £300

What on earth is this pricey place you cannot afford ?

She's said it would cover a full meal and drinks for 2 people. The problem was it wouldn't cover 4.

Having said that, there are places that cost much more than that eg Heston's Fat Duck in Bray. £300 per head tasting menu. Before you add drinks.

Zebedee55 · 20/10/2023 17:40

Use the voucher, and then split the rest.

Nevermind31 · 20/10/2023 17:43

Call friend, and tell them you just want to clarify… when you asked them to come along, you did not mean to I bite them, you just meant it would be nice if you all went out. You don’t have any money to go out at all, so the voucher will cover that. You just wanted to make sure that there were no misunderstandings as you cannot afford to take them out or add any money to the voucher.