Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 19/10/2023 18:42

That was kind of you. I would go with the, its your birthday your present. You get freebie and others have to pay the rest.
Hopefully you will get lovely presents for your gesture.

wildwestpioneer · 19/10/2023 18:46

@Zone2NorthLondon

*Why are you phrasing it as would you mind awfully if I just took dh with me it’s so passive and unassertive
What if they directly answer,yes we do mind and thought the voucher was for sharing
Dont ask an open question if you actually want a predetermined answer
I cannot fathom the inability to be direct . Just say ➡️I was planning to use the voucher for dh and I

That’s it. That’s all
No made up stories. No scenario
No diffident apologetic oh would you mind awfully*

I’d phrase it like that because they are friends and quite honestly because it’s the op who’s made this situation what’s is. Why wouldn’t the op be slightly apologetic, she’s the one that’s back tracking and removing an offer she made. You don’t always have to be assertive and aggressive in every dealing, time and a place.

I do however agree that you shouldn’t make up stories or feign illness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 18:49

The stress this 'invite' thing causes when people mean something else!

If you invite somebody to a meal, show, whatever - YOU pay.
If you suggest that somebody might want to come to a meal, show, whatever - THEY pay for themselves.

People bandy the word invitation around when it's not what they mean at all, they are not hosting, they would just like the company.

Hope you have a great meal out, OP, sounds as if all this is sorted now. Wine

Superduper02 · 19/10/2023 18:50

Agree with everyone saying to cancel and rebook with just DP.
I accidentally invited someone to my wedding once. I am definitely the sort of 'spread the joy' person who would do what you did after a wine or two. Sometimes you have to reign it back in.

Superduper02 · 19/10/2023 18:55

Just seen it's all sorted now! Have a great time OP!

Rustiered · 19/10/2023 19:31

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/10/2023 18:42

This reminds me of a time when I was skint when my kids were little and my friend texted to say she had a 2 for 1 voucher for pizza express and did I want to go out for tea? She gave her voucher in when we asked for the bill and l just assumed that would mean the total bill would be cheaper and then we'd just split that cheaper bill in half. But no, she saw it that she'd "paid" for her pizza with her voucher. Bloody mug that I was, and too young and naiive, I didn't say anything and just paid up the full price for my pizza, dessert and drink while she just paid for her dessert and drink. I wouldn't have gone with her if I'd known she was going to be so stingy, I couldn't afford a full price bloody pizza at the time.

Lesson learned. Always check people's expectations before you agree to anything monetary.

That's a shocker!

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:04

The pizza express voucher story definitely isn't ok!! That's definitely a half-half situation.

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:09

If you invite somebody to a meal, show, whatever - YOU pay.
If you suggest that somebody might want to come to a meal, show, whatever - THEY pay for themselves.

Huh? I don't see how this works in practice. Suppose I say to someone "would you like to see XYZ at the theatre with me?" then surely no-one is expecting me to pay?! But I'd still say I've invited them to come with me. They would only expect me to pay if I actually said "I'd like to treat you to a theatre trip" but I'd only do that for their birthday or something.

MrsMara · 19/10/2023 21:34

This is INSANE! If someone invites you out for THEIR birthday you'd expect THEM to pay YOUR bill?! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!

It isn't insane as you so subtly put it. It isn't what you and your friends do. In my own social circles nobody ever pays to attend someone's birthday when they have been invited. On my birthday, I invite and pay... and so on. Many cultures do this too. It isn't insane or crazy OP.

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 21:41

MrsMara · 19/10/2023 21:34

This is INSANE! If someone invites you out for THEIR birthday you'd expect THEM to pay YOUR bill?! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!

It isn't insane as you so subtly put it. It isn't what you and your friends do. In my own social circles nobody ever pays to attend someone's birthday when they have been invited. On my birthday, I invite and pay... and so on. Many cultures do this too. It isn't insane or crazy OP.

Maybe it's just not a very modern thing. Must be an older thing 😉

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 21:41

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:09

If you invite somebody to a meal, show, whatever - YOU pay.
If you suggest that somebody might want to come to a meal, show, whatever - THEY pay for themselves.

Huh? I don't see how this works in practice. Suppose I say to someone "would you like to see XYZ at the theatre with me?" then surely no-one is expecting me to pay?! But I'd still say I've invited them to come with me. They would only expect me to pay if I actually said "I'd like to treat you to a theatre trip" but I'd only do that for their birthday or something.

Well no because that's the second scenario but if you phrase it the way you have you're leaving it a bit open to interpretation. If you say something like, "Shall we go to the theatre to see xyz?", you're not inviting them and the expectation is that you'll pay for yourselves.

I agree that it's better to make your meaning clear by what you've said - "I'd like to treat you to xyz". Everybody knows where they are then.

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:49

I agree that it's better to make your meaning clear by what you've said - "I'd like to treat you to xyz". Everybody knows where they are then.

So if I make a proposal and I'm NOT paying, do I have to make it equally clear? eg. I'm going to XYZ on Saturday night. Would you like to come and pay for yourself.

I'm absolutely sure I don't have to spell that out and nobody would be at all confused if I didn't. Which is why if you ARE paying, you do have to spell it out as it is the exception.

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:51

The only one I've never been quite sure about, is when you have a takeaway at someone's house. It is not quite like them cooking (clearly host pays, guest brings wine and flower/chocs) or going out for a meal together (split the bill). We seem to have settled into the guest offering to pay, but being turned down, then the guest promising to pay next time.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 22:05

Maybe it's just not a very modern thing. Must be an older thing 😉

What's with the sarky posts OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 22:07

pinkspeakers I think better to be crystal clear rather than leave room for doubt.

Eating out with friends and you're organising it (but not hosting so not paying):
"Shall we go to xyz restaurant on Saturday? Menu looks great, I'll send it over so you can see the prices"

Going to a theatre, you're organising but not paying:
"Shall we go and see xyz on Saturday? Tickets are ££ each"

Regarding your takeaway scenario, if you're going to a friend's house and they suggest a takeaway then you pay your own or at least offer to. If you were going there for dinner then friend is hosting and therefore paying, BUT things are so blurry with people feigning hosting when they not that the right thing would probably be to offer to pay your share (even though you shouldn't have to). Your take flowers/wine to the host, therefore they should be hosting you.

That's my understanding of etiquette having had it dinned into my head.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 22:07

And I'm not sure where you've come up with the 'not modern' thing, given so many people here said they do it, currently.

SawX · 19/10/2023 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 22:26

Why are you both having a pop at the OP? I don't see her posts as snarky or her 'being a twat'. Stop having a go at her.

CrazyHamsterLady · 19/10/2023 22:28

I don’t know why anyone is suggesting that you split the remainder between you 🤷‍♀️ As soon as the server comes over, you request that each couple has a separate bill. Then each couple can spend an amount which is within their price range. Simple.

It’s what DH and I always do because we feel resentful subsiding other people, plus, if we feel like splashing out, we don’t want people subsiding us.

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 22:33

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 21:09

If you invite somebody to a meal, show, whatever - YOU pay.
If you suggest that somebody might want to come to a meal, show, whatever - THEY pay for themselves.

Huh? I don't see how this works in practice. Suppose I say to someone "would you like to see XYZ at the theatre with me?" then surely no-one is expecting me to pay?! But I'd still say I've invited them to come with me. They would only expect me to pay if I actually said "I'd like to treat you to a theatre trip" but I'd only do that for their birthday or something.

There is a difference between organizing and hosting. Hosting is offering hospitality.

Organizing = "A few of us are meeting for pizza on Friday; separate checks. Care to join?"

I would say that flashing a large voucher around and saying "We're going to use this on Saturday; you guys should come too!" was easily interpreted as an offer of hospitality. Not as "come and watch us chow with money no object, while you scrimp to try to afford your own meal at the same very expensive restaurant."

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 22:36

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 21:41

Maybe it's just not a very modern thing. Must be an older thing 😉

Show quote history

And I figured that boasting about & flashing a voucher, but then being taken aback when you were interpreted as offering to share it was ... a younger thing. As in, unworldly and gauche, frankly.

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 22:36

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 22:26

Why are you both having a pop at the OP? I don't see her posts as snarky or her 'being a twat'. Stop having a go at her.

Thanks @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - you're right, I wasn't being snarky or a "twat", I JOKED about it being an older thing then WINKED to show I was joking.

I'm grateful for everyone's replies, except the ones who were unnecessarily rude or unhelpful (eg. "showboating", "waving a voucher around", "you shouldn't have done that", "you're tight", "you shouldn't have said that", "you've ruined a romantic night" "you've made a faux pas" 🙄)

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 22:39

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 22:36

And I figured that boasting about & flashing a voucher, but then being taken aback when you were interpreted as offering to share it was ... a younger thing. As in, unworldly and gauche, frankly.

Show quote history

For goodness's sake! I never once said at any point that I had been "interpreted as offering to share it" - I was merely asking for advice on what you would do/expect in my situation.

A conversation with friends when they asked what I'd got for my birthday was not me "boasting about & flashing a voucher" - you've completely made that up in your head.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 19/10/2023 22:42

ANYWAY, in a crazy twist of fate, my friend just called me to say that her partner is having a rubbish week at work and she doesn't think she'll be in the mood to go out on Saturday after all. She suggested either me and my husband go without them, or we rearrange

Are they on Mumsnet by any chance🤣.

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 22:44

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 22:39

For goodness's sake! I never once said at any point that I had been "interpreted as offering to share it" - I was merely asking for advice on what you would do/expect in my situation.

A conversation with friends when they asked what I'd got for my birthday was not me "boasting about & flashing a voucher" - you've completely made that up in your head.

Show quote history

"We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us."

Come on. You really believe that they thought you were just asking them to meet up with you at the restaurant, with no thought of the value of the voucher? Would you have suggested that you all go to that restaurant sans the existence of the voucher?

If that's the case, why did you even need to start this thread? What was the dilemma? If it were unambiguous that they were on their own, so far as payment is concerned.....