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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 18/10/2023 15:54

Why is he away?

vivainsomnia · 18/10/2023 15:55

Away where and why on a week day? If work, did he have a choice?

Catza · 18/10/2023 15:55

Why do you both need to be there?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/10/2023 15:56

You don't both need to be there. I'm surprised at a secondary school having parents evening for more than one year group in one evening though! Sounds chaotic

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:57

He was at a concert.

OP posts:
feemcgee · 18/10/2023 15:57

I can understand that it would annoy you as you told him about it last week, but you probably both didn't have to be there. It's usually just me at parent's evening as they run them straight after school, and my DH can't get away.

Lavender14 · 18/10/2023 15:58

I'd be a bit miffed he'd planned a night out without checking it suited first but I would have been happy to go alone provided neither of the kids were overly struggling/ having issues. If there were ongoing issues with the school I'd have wanted him to go.

Sherrystrull · 18/10/2023 15:58

Does he generally not bother with things for the kids? Or is it a one off clash?

Maxus · 18/10/2023 15:58

How could you have made both appointments for around 6pm. Most schools have different evenings for each year group. At my son's last parents evening for one child it took around 2 hours having individual meetings with all his subject teachers and form tutor. You carnt possibly have both of them in the same night at around 6pm

SacAMain · 18/10/2023 16:02

I don't really understand the logistic of 2 appointments at the same time in secondary, unless you meant the start or first appointment?

I would be annoyed to have booked to fit his schedule, not mine, when he ends up not turning up,

I would be annoyed if I had 2 appointments at the same time, and needed us to tag-team and each pick one,

Apart from that, no need for 2 parents at parents evening.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:02

@Maxus It was a meeting with form tutors only, so one appointment with Y11 at 5.50, Y7 at 6.15. I didn't say to dh that it was 'only' a tutor meeting, so he would have assumed a full on thing.

And no, it's not an isolated incident. I'm the default parent for almost everything. Well, everything. Just wondered how high on the scale not letting your kids or partner know you wouldn't be at a parents' evening would rank, generally.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 18/10/2023 16:02

He didn't mention a concert to you? I'd find that odd. That's something planned well in advance, not a drink/meal out with mates type of thing.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:03

@FrenchandSaunders There's quite a background, just interested to know peoples thoughts on this particular thing.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/10/2023 16:04

So it wasn't even a proper parents evening but a 10 minute catch up with their tutors? Why would you both need to be there for that?

Comedycook · 18/10/2023 16:04

This wouldn't bother me unless your dc is having specific problems at school. Virtually every parents evening I've ever attended has said exactly what I knew anyway while I nodded along. I don't think both parents need to attend

Dahlia444 · 18/10/2023 16:06

DH and I have attended all parents evenings together, unless ill. We have late teens now. So no, not normal in our family.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/10/2023 16:06

I assume the concert was pre-booked so no I wouldn’t expect him to miss that to attend a fairly standard parents evening.

sprigatito · 18/10/2023 16:07

We always went together. Our children are ND and it was important to us that we were both up to date and on the same page with school issues.

I'd have been really pissed off if DH put leisure ahead of the children...but we don't have a default parent, we're equal, and neither of us would stand for your DH's attitude.

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2023 16:08

I'd be annoyed because you don't go to a concert last minute usually so when you spoke or text about parents evening he should have told you that he couldn't attend then. I wouldn't expect both parents to attend (only because we can't as have several children but my parents always attended mine together where possible) but it would have been nice for him to show an interest in his children's education. He sounds selfish and you are right to feel annoyed.

I personally wouldn't put up with being the default parent always but that's just me. If you are unhappy about your family set up them you need to take steps to change it.

PointyPot · 18/10/2023 16:09

I would consider the year 11 one to be very important in terms of where they are and what they need to do and would always have both Dh and I there because we play to our different strengths re supporting their education.

This just feels like another default woman role situation. He just assumes you will always be the one to do these things, he didn't even check if attending the concert was convenient.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 18/10/2023 16:09

I wouldn't be bothered about this, but then I do all school things for both DC and dh tends to do other things. That's how we divide things up. But I would mind dh texting me to say he wouldn't be around for a day/night with no notice at all! OK for a one-off, but if he does this regularly and expects you to be the default parent, then no. You need to talk to him.

Or divorce him?

You sound pretty pissed off, and I'm not surprised. So I'd focus on the overall situation, not specific examples, I don't think. Good luck.

Terrifyingface · 18/10/2023 16:10

I don't think DH needed to be there but I find it extremely odd that you wouldn't discuss things like this. DH and I don't ask permission to do things but as soon as a plan has been raised with friends we would say to the other 'oh, by the way, X is planning to do Y and has asked me along, it's on Z date...'. In the event of a clash, we'd then discuss how to resolve it - communicating like adults. So he is not BU for not prioritising the parents' eve, but he/you both are being VU to not communicating with each other. As you've mentioned background I assume this is the tip of the iceberg...

ASCCM · 18/10/2023 16:10

If he was at Madonna then I’d say fair game. Otherwise, just really bad planning and short notice.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/10/2023 16:11

I tell DH when parent evenings are, he checks his diary to see if he's available (and puts it in the diary whether he's availableor not) . Then I remind him a few days before to see if he is still available.

SacAMain · 18/10/2023 16:11

I still don't think there's any reason for 2 parents to go to parents evenings, when there's 2 of you, you can take turn, that's the beauty of being in a couple.

Not talking about a concert and just messaging in the morning to tell your partner you are away, that's weird and rude. You are not roommate, you are supposed to communicate, and when you have kids, you check with the other first if they are available to stay! Work commitments are different.

Have you told your husband that dismissing you like this is not acceptable?