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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
DottyLottieLou · 19/10/2023 07:27

Shrug it off.

DottyLottieLou · 19/10/2023 07:34

Take the kids somewhere else when you should be at the caravan and tell him you won't make it when you get there.

Sweetandsaltycaroline · 19/10/2023 07:38

My DC are teens (year 9 and year 13) and I can count on one hand the parents eves DH has attended.
Lots of PP saying 2 parents don't need to attend but in the past I'd need him to acknowledge/know when it was to be back for childcare. (Often had to call a friend last minute, or ask a neighbour) Similar happened for school plays/concerts etc. Even if I reminded him in the morning or during the day, it was no guarantee he would be back on time.
I'm pretty sure he has ADHD and if he starts a project or is engrossed in work, it's like he has no concept of time.

Darhon · 19/10/2023 07:45

We did primary together. Secondary I did. Either on my own or with the child - usually because we had younger ones at home so they needed looking after when I went to parents evening. At primary, you only had one appointment. However, covid blissfully brought in online parents evening at secondary. Much easier and quicker!

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2023 08:12

Please leave him, OP.

DangerousAlchemy · 19/10/2023 11:36

If its just a 'meet the form teacher' meeting then you probably don't need to both be there. Year 11 is important & my DS is yr 11 too but we have actual parents evening coming up plus Intro to 6th form night/options evening too. My kids school don't do form tutor meetings anymore. you still have every right to be annoyed at your DH though OP. Why are you the default parent while he gets to swan off to a lovely concert?

Muddywalks34 · 19/10/2023 13:19

My husband has never attended a parents evening, wouldn’t even think to ask him too. Definitely doesn’t need 2 people, especially not for a tutor meeting. I am the default parent for everything , my husband is the default being home the majority of the money person so it’s no issue to me.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/10/2023 13:46

If I told my husband anything like this it would be 50:50 that he’d remember. So all school stuff goes in both diaries and then we discuss who can cover what or if we are both going.
Your husband appears to have completely checked out so it’s a bit irrelevant really. If you are ready to go what’s stopping you? Half term next week?

billy1966 · 19/10/2023 13:52

Hes a complete loser and a waste of space.

Do not waste any further energy on him.

Make your plans.

Put things in place.

Men like that don't deserve any energy spent explaining things to them.

"You are a complete waste of space as a husband and father, our marriage is over."

Leave his relationship with his sons to him.

They no doubt have the measure of what a loser he is.

His behaviour is not normal.

piscofrisco · 19/10/2023 14:13

It doesn't need both of you to be there surely?

towriteyoumustlive · 19/10/2023 14:36

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:02

@Maxus It was a meeting with form tutors only, so one appointment with Y11 at 5.50, Y7 at 6.15. I didn't say to dh that it was 'only' a tutor meeting, so he would have assumed a full on thing.

And no, it's not an isolated incident. I'm the default parent for almost everything. Well, everything. Just wondered how high on the scale not letting your kids or partner know you wouldn't be at a parents' evening would rank, generally.

In which case YABU, as this isn't parents evening, it's just meeting for tutors, so I wouldn't expect him to cancel his plans. As long as one of you goes.

I'm assuming the concert was booked before you knew the parent evening event date?

Superscientist · 19/10/2023 14:43

I went to my Y12 parents evening on my own as both parents were working. It happened again a few years later when my sister was in Y12 and I went in place of the parent.

The going/ not going isn't the problem it's the lack of communication and discussion that is.

ZoeDavoMCR · 19/10/2023 15:06

Shrug it off, it’s parents evening it’s hardly a life event

RandomMess · 19/10/2023 16:51

I would just leave him to take the boys away. Don't do any prep or packing for any of them. Let him be the parent and organise it all.

A few days break from the toxic environment and to locate any documents you need and speak to a solicitor.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/10/2023 17:20

I don't understand why you have done all that today while he has been lazing on the sofa. Surely he could have done something.
I wouldn't be going away with him by the way. Let him go alone

Frasers · 19/10/2023 17:48

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/10/2023 17:20

I don't understand why you have done all that today while he has been lazing on the sofa. Surely he could have done something.
I wouldn't be going away with him by the way. Let him go alone

No I don’t, and I’m not really buying he’s off on gigs all the time. And not discussing it or saying anything in advance.

I see the ops not responded on whether she thinks he has another relationship, which is fair, her call, but I do have a bad feeling and am concerned she’s doing all this stuff, scared to mention the school, because she’s trying not to rock the boat, keeping her head down. so he doesn’t end it.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 19/10/2023 21:14

@Frasers To answer your points, he is away at gigs all the time. A lot more than I've mentioned here. Sometimes three days at a time with no prior mention. He did used to tell me, but communication has broken down completely now so he just doesn't bother. And I am relieved when he is away.

I don't think he has another relationship as he barely showers, brushes his teeth once a week at the most, and to be frank I cannot see anyone wanting to be with him. I wish he would find someone.

You're right in that I have been avoiding rocking the boat, but not because I'm scared of him ending things, more that I am scared of how my kids lives will change and that they might not be happy. I'm used to getting on with things and dealing with whatever comes my way, and have no concept of going after what I want, so I continue in as neutral a way as possible to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Sartre · 19/10/2023 21:17

I don’t think both parents need to be present. DH and I have never been together,
whoever is able to go on that day goes and gives the other parent feedback later. It isn’t really a big deal.

RandomMess · 19/10/2023 21:35

Please think about what your boys see as normal in a relationship and how they are learning how to treat you, their future partners and future children.

You are being used as doormat and letting your DC be unimportant in their own home. That by not rocking the boat you are condoning how their Dad treats them.

Londonscallingme · 19/10/2023 21:37

I would be upset for my children. As a parent it’s important to show up for stuff. I would be very sad and disappointed and would feel like he had let them down.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 19/10/2023 21:57

@RandomMess The kids have just asked for some ice cream (both got sore throats) and what a surprise, I go the the freezer and find that the half tub of ice cream that was there yesterday has now gone. Went back to tell them no ice cream left and that there was definitely half a tub left last night and dh just stares straight ahead. Now he's merrily answering questions on The Chase. Am I meant to call him out on this? I feel like I can't tell him off as he's as entitled to the ice cream as much as anyone else, and I am so conditioned to giving him the benefit of the doubt, I've just walked away and left it. Now seething upstairs. I feel like I am going mad.
I can now hear him asking our eldest where he would like to go on holiday......

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 19/10/2023 21:59

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:57

He was at a concert.

Do you not have a family calendar type thing where you note these things. I mean if it was a concert I'd wanted to go to badly and the other parent is present not sure why it needs both of you?

RandomMess · 19/10/2023 22:03

Don't bother saying anything. Put all your energy into divorcing and being on your own with the boys. No more resentment, no more carrying another adult, no more making up for his daily inadequacies as a parent.

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/10/2023 22:06

Catza · 18/10/2023 15:55

Why do you both need to be there?

Because it's a parents night not a parent night.

Oblomov23 · 19/10/2023 22:09

The not letting you know he was going to a concert is wierd. Expecting him to go to a 10 minute tutor meeting is ott, it only needs one parent.