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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 18/10/2023 16:13

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:02

@Maxus It was a meeting with form tutors only, so one appointment with Y11 at 5.50, Y7 at 6.15. I didn't say to dh that it was 'only' a tutor meeting, so he would have assumed a full on thing.

And no, it's not an isolated incident. I'm the default parent for almost everything. Well, everything. Just wondered how high on the scale not letting your kids or partner know you wouldn't be at a parents' evening would rank, generally.

I'd be annoyed if he didn't say the concert was already booked.

I'd also be annoyed if he booked a concert instead of parent's evening without discussing first.

In our family parent's evening is a priority for both of us, even if we don't both attend in the end.

Sayitaintso33 · 18/10/2023 16:13

If he had agreed to go he should have gone although a lot of me thinks

If you wanted to go, there was no need for him to go.

If you didn't want to go, there was no need for both of you to go.

But if he wants his children to love him, then he should be aware that he can only let them down so often. And the same doubtless applies to his wife loving him.

Fulshaw · 18/10/2023 16:14

It sort of depends which was booked first.

But even if parents evening was first, I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to turn down an invite to something good or one-off but I would expect him to discuss with you first.

Sherrystrull · 18/10/2023 16:15

Pre booked concert would be fine. Last minute concert with prior form for selfishness would not be.

motherissueshelp · 18/10/2023 16:15

Why are mothers the default on most of these posts? Why don't your childrens fathers care about their schooling to show face and speak to their teachers? It's so casual and accepted.

DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 16:18

Well it would clearly be different if he was great in every other aspect and he’d said:
“I’ve been asked if I can go to a concert, it clashes with parents evening, do you mind going on your own this time?”.

Presumably this isn’t the case and he doesn’t think parents evening / other parenting responsibilities are anything to do with him?

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:18

@Sayitaintso33 "But if he wants his children to love him, then he should be aware that he can only let them down so often. And the same doubtless applies to his wife loving him."

This. If I didn't go to a school event, the kids would really be upset about it. I mean, they wouldn't make a drama out of it, but they would expect me to be there. They don't expect dad to do anything, they've come to not expect anything of him. I don't think he realises what his actions (or inactions) mean to them. And yes, I am planning my exit, trying to make sure the kids are ok.

OP posts:
AllWeWantToDo · 18/10/2023 16:19

Are you the poster who's dh just disappears to concerts every weekend or whenever he feels like it without even telling you he's going half the time?

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:21

@AllWeWantToDo Hi 🖐Yes, just another one of those things where I don't know whether to bring it up and call him out, or just get on with finding my way out of the whole situation. In my mind, you don't let your kids down, whatever personal situation you're in with your partner.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 18/10/2023 16:22

I’d say it’s absolutely fine, do it. But cations have consequences and his time is running out, it won’t be longer before the kids know their being dropped for whatever else comes up and their memories don’t vanish when they become adults, they will always know you never bothered.

Enjoy the concert.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/10/2023 16:23

Both of my parents always attended my parents’ evenings but my DM didn’t work so that made it easier. DH and I both try and be at our DC’s parents’ evenings if possible but we both work and it can be difficult to get appointments that work. Luckily, our jobs are quite flexible for things like this.

I would be really hacked off if DH chose a concert (that wasn’t already pre-organised) over our children’s progress in school. I know he wouldn’t though.

RandomMess · 18/10/2023 16:24

I recognised it was you op.

I thought by now you realised you needed to end this farce of a marriage/family life? He's a crap Dad and isn't a partner.

SacAMain · 18/10/2023 16:25

motherissueshelp · 18/10/2023 16:15

Why are mothers the default on most of these posts? Why don't your childrens fathers care about their schooling to show face and speak to their teachers? It's so casual and accepted.

often it's because the mothers have chosen (or be forced to choose) a job with less commitment, so they are around, when the dad is not.

It's more common for the mother to have a part-time role, than the dad. It means the parent who goes is the parent who is around.

MrsKarlUrban · 18/10/2023 16:25

I think parents evening is fine on you're own. I'd be more concerned he'd text to say he will be away day and night! Without any prior conversation

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/10/2023 16:25

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:18

@Sayitaintso33 "But if he wants his children to love him, then he should be aware that he can only let them down so often. And the same doubtless applies to his wife loving him."

This. If I didn't go to a school event, the kids would really be upset about it. I mean, they wouldn't make a drama out of it, but they would expect me to be there. They don't expect dad to do anything, they've come to not expect anything of him. I don't think he realises what his actions (or inactions) mean to them. And yes, I am planning my exit, trying to make sure the kids are ok.

It will become all too obvious when his kids make no effort to see him when they are old enough to decide.

They’ll remember their mum who always put them first and made the effort to show her care and interest.

Frasers · 18/10/2023 16:27

I mean you don’t sound like someone in a hurry to leave, you sound like someone hoping it will get better and who will carry on regardless.

a meeting with tutors isn’t parents night, I find it more odd he just texts and says he’s off to a concert. Doesn’t even phone. That’s just odd, sounds like he’s checked out of family life totally.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/10/2023 16:27

motherissueshelp · 18/10/2023 16:15

Why are mothers the default on most of these posts? Why don't your childrens fathers care about their schooling to show face and speak to their teachers? It's so casual and accepted.

A lot of this will be learnt behaviour too. Their own dads will have defaulted parenting to their mum. That doesn’t make it ok but it’s learnt inadequacy because none of them would ever be so complacent and useless at work.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:27

@motherissueshelp The thing is, there are always loads of dads at these things, and I wonder what my kids think of that? I look around and admire the dads for being there, although of course it should be a normal part of being a parent, nothing to be amazed at. But you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:28

@RandomMess I do have things in place now, it's just a case of finalising the words. I feel ground down.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 18/10/2023 16:30

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband, glad you've got your ducks in a row.

rwalker · 18/10/2023 16:34

Wouldn’t bother me because they are always chaotic
appointments over run missed a few appointments and the last one teacher had gone home

the time we did have an issue told to contact teacher after parents evening as she didn’t have time to deal as next appointment waiting

we took it in turns with our 2 and had to miss some altogether because of work

Cakeandcardio · 18/10/2023 16:34

I would think that's very shit. Parents should make every effort to attend these meetings. For work, maybe you could understand. Although I would still expect him to try and get the time off. For a social event, no.

caringcarer · 18/10/2023 16:35

Maxus · 18/10/2023 15:58

How could you have made both appointments for around 6pm. Most schools have different evenings for each year group. At my son's last parents evening for one child it took around 2 hours having individual meetings with all his subject teachers and form tutor. You carnt possibly have both of them in the same night at around 6pm

Maybe one parent goes to the older child and one parent goes to the the younger child's teachers. Maybe that's what she is so annoyed about. She can't do both alone.

ImADevYo · 18/10/2023 16:36

Does he even realise what being a parent means OP? Sounds to me that he thinks he's a sperm donor and ATM nothing more.

AllWeWantToDo · 18/10/2023 16:36

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:21

@AllWeWantToDo Hi 🖐Yes, just another one of those things where I don't know whether to bring it up and call him out, or just get on with finding my way out of the whole situation. In my mind, you don't let your kids down, whatever personal situation you're in with your partner.

It will be pointless saying anything to him. He's obviously a selfish dick. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself telling him what a useless selfish dick he is though 😬