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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
Shopper727 · 18/10/2023 18:11

I always go on my own, most parents I see do too. I just relay any relevant info to kids dad. But seems a waste of time just doing tutor nights id want to hear from each teacher! What does the tutor even tell you? How can you squash 8 subjects into 10 mins with a teacher who doesn’t teach any of the subjects?
let your dh enjoy his concert id much rather do that than be subjected to parents night tbh

PermanentTemporary · 18/10/2023 18:14

I'd be really angry about this.

Dh occasionally couldn't get to parents evening because he was too ill. He didn't manage to go to the one that happened 2 days before he died, and he was really disappointed with himself that he couldn't get there.

I would regard it as clear evidence that he doesn't care very much about the reality of the children's lives.

gotomomo · 18/10/2023 18:14

Exh only managed 1 or 2 for each child in their whole schooling (we were married at the time) he trusted me to deal with schooling so he said. In reality he couldn't be bothered to get up earlier so he could get home for 6pm

User0000009 · 18/10/2023 18:14

Unless your kid was the best kid in the class or the worst I always thought patents’ evenings were a bore. Nothing much to say. Being kept waiting. Sitting on infant chairs. All seemed a bit of a chore

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/10/2023 18:15

I would hate this and I would care.

Realistically there is nothing you can do, you can't make someone care.

Agree with.others he will reap what he does... Which is very very little.

It's sad he isn't interested in his children...

Sayitaintso33 · 18/10/2023 18:24

motherissueshelp · 18/10/2023 16:15

Why are mothers the default on most of these posts? Why don't your childrens fathers care about their schooling to show face and speak to their teachers? It's so casual and accepted.

Too many women insist on being in charge of family life which facilities the deep-seated desire of too many men to be lazy.

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/10/2023 18:26

We take it in turns. No need for both to go unless one of the children is having issues or problems.

SawX · 18/10/2023 18:34

Quartz2208 · 18/10/2023 17:44

The word concert instantly showed who it was.

I hope you get the strength to leave

Which poster is it?

TeaGinandFags · 18/10/2023 18:43

If you're looking for opinions, mine is thst you are a single parent with an overgrown child that you're married to.

I would be beyond furious since he's probably skulking in a pub somewhere. Write it all down and maybe it'll stand you in good stead should you care to kick him to the curb. He needs to grow up.

minipie · 18/10/2023 18:45

I am SAHM so very much default parent but kind of justified… (am SAHM partly because I got sick of working and being default 99% of everything parent anyway, but that’s another story)

In our house

DH would expect to attend parents’ evening

If he has something booked in advance he puts it in the shared calendar. If it was booked & in the calendar before parents eve date was announced then I would accept he’s not coming

If parents’ eve was booked first he would prioritise parents eve over concert, no question

If he’d booked concert pre parents eve date being announced but not put it in calendar then I’d be pissed off but reluctantly accept he goes to concert assuming not cancellable

Basically the joint calendar is God in our house 😆

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2023 18:51

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:37

I guess I'm anticipating what he might say if I bring it up. There's no way he'll think he's done anything wrong, and will make me feel like I'm making a big thing out of it, which is why I wanted a little straw poll to see how important this kind of thing is to others...

With the greatest of respect, but why would you bother bringing this up? Literally, what’s the point?

Your marriage is not a partnership. You’ve known this a long time. Your husband is a shit dad. You’ve known this a long time. You are not unreasonable. Other people’s healthy relationships don’t involve the other person fucking off as and when they please with no discussion or consequences.

Save your breath. He’s not going to see your point of view, so why even mention it.

Just get out as quickly as possible.

Didimum · 18/10/2023 18:54

To everyone saying ‘why do you both need to be there?’, I’m betting her DH never attends by himself, and therein lies the issue.

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2023 18:55

SawX · 18/10/2023 18:34

Which poster is it?

Show quote history

Basically their husband just does exactly as he pleases, going to concerts in far-flung places and staying away from home with no warning whenever he feels like it for however long he wants. He sees nothing wrong in acting like he’s a single 20-something.

Noicant · 18/10/2023 19:12

DH has come to every single parent’s evening and Dd is still in nursery He definitely wouldn’t want to miss one at secondary level. He usually has questions and takes a keen interest in how she’s doing and what she’s doing.

It’s a few minutes twice a year when you get to talk to your child’s teacher face to face. I think it’s quite important to be present for it. I wouldn’t miss one and I’d think less of DH if he filed it under optional (which he wouldn’t).

BinkyBeaufort · 18/10/2023 19:36

You set him a test, based on his track record, and he failed.
How you react is up to you. But he sounds as though he's really only interested in himself.

PumpkinBum3 · 18/10/2023 19:53

TomatoSandwiches · 18/10/2023 16:30

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband, glad you've got your ducks in a row.

Doesn’t he just

Original poster
DoubleParent · 19/10/2023 00:33

@BinkyBeaufort yes, I suppose in hindsight it was a test. When I told him parents evening was coming up, he didn't say a word about this concert. So he had all that time to think about what to do, and he chose to go to the concert and not say a word about it til it was too late and he was on his way there. He made his choice. He goes to a lot of gigs, maybe about 15-20 this year, so it's nothing new. But normally he just goes off and I juggle whatever I have to juggle. I'm used to it. But this time he knew exactly what he would be missing if he chose to go and do his own thing, and he went.

@PermanentTemporary I'm very sorry for your loss, it sounds like he was a great dad x

So here I am going to bed at midnight after working all day, taking eldest to school as there is a bus strike, coming home from work at lunch break to take youngest to his grandma's as he was poorly today, food shopping after work, back to my mum's to pick youngest up, home to make tea and do all the evening jobs, play football out in the street with youngest to see if a bit of fresh air would perk him up, bit of piano practice with eldest, make snacks......all while DH lounges on the sofa in his dressing gown having been off work today following his trip away. He got home at 7am and has been pretty much lying down all day, apart from he went upstairs for an hour while me and the kids watched Race Across The World. He hasn't had a shower or anything. He's just a strange man. And lo, he has booked a holiday for us all in a couple of weeks as if everything is fine. Two nights in a caravan and all is forgiven??? I seriously think that is what is in his head. Despite the fact I have told him on several occasions how unhappy I am. Anyway, this has turned into a rant. A very unnecessary rant, but at least I've got it out of my system and can go to sleep now. Hopefully he'll stay downstairs all night.

OP posts:
MamaBear4ever · 19/10/2023 06:13

A full parents evening I would expect him to prioritise but there have been times when either one of us hasn't been available and only one parent attended but usually due to work commitments. A one off wouldn't bother me but a DH who never turns up for his kids would

AnotherCountryMummy · 19/10/2023 06:17

I can see why you're upset, but it's not then end of thr world. If it was something like a school play then fine, but I doubt your children will remember this.

moose62 · 19/10/2023 06:27

I don't think the parents' evening is the problem. It is your DH's priorities....obviously not you and the kids. My DH never came to any parents' events for the kids. I did them all. But, he was there in every other way so I let that slide. You need to decide what to do about the general state of your marriage first!

Mycatshandbag · 19/10/2023 06:39

My DH went to a football match instead of our DD's first secondary parents eve. Although I have been to parents eve alone (as had he) over the years we do make the effort to go together where possible. I was annoyed, and DD was disappointed, that he didn't attend the first secondary one. I do think the first one at a new school is pretty important. Although admittedly, I would have been less annoyed if it had been a work commitment and not football...

jumpingbean1810 · 19/10/2023 06:47

@DoubleParent I'm a single parent and the day you described yesterday is pretty much like mine, but I don't have the annoyance of an unreliable man lounging about in his dressing gown all day. Given you're already single parenting, you and the kids will probably be much happier once you're getting on with it without him there. Don't expend energy getting annoyed about the things you can't change about him, invest that energy in your exit plan. Have courage and good luck.

Graciebobcat · 19/10/2023 06:52

I'd be annoyed. I've had to miss parents evenings through work travel committments as has DH but that's unavoidable and the other parent attended. Other than that you put parents evening in your calendar and don't subsequently book a night out on the same evening. If it was a long awaited a planned night out before the parents evening popped up then I might have more sympathy.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 06:56

DoubleParent · 19/10/2023 00:33

@BinkyBeaufort yes, I suppose in hindsight it was a test. When I told him parents evening was coming up, he didn't say a word about this concert. So he had all that time to think about what to do, and he chose to go to the concert and not say a word about it til it was too late and he was on his way there. He made his choice. He goes to a lot of gigs, maybe about 15-20 this year, so it's nothing new. But normally he just goes off and I juggle whatever I have to juggle. I'm used to it. But this time he knew exactly what he would be missing if he chose to go and do his own thing, and he went.

@PermanentTemporary I'm very sorry for your loss, it sounds like he was a great dad x

So here I am going to bed at midnight after working all day, taking eldest to school as there is a bus strike, coming home from work at lunch break to take youngest to his grandma's as he was poorly today, food shopping after work, back to my mum's to pick youngest up, home to make tea and do all the evening jobs, play football out in the street with youngest to see if a bit of fresh air would perk him up, bit of piano practice with eldest, make snacks......all while DH lounges on the sofa in his dressing gown having been off work today following his trip away. He got home at 7am and has been pretty much lying down all day, apart from he went upstairs for an hour while me and the kids watched Race Across The World. He hasn't had a shower or anything. He's just a strange man. And lo, he has booked a holiday for us all in a couple of weeks as if everything is fine. Two nights in a caravan and all is forgiven??? I seriously think that is what is in his head. Despite the fact I have told him on several occasions how unhappy I am. Anyway, this has turned into a rant. A very unnecessary rant, but at least I've got it out of my system and can go to sleep now. Hopefully he'll stay downstairs all night.

I remember your threads. I hope you get away from this awful, awful selfish man. He’s a complete dud. I was gobsmacked at his behaviour.

StepAwayFromTheScales · 19/10/2023 07:19

Think more info is needed.

  1. Did you know about the concert before the text or was it last minute plans?
  2. Did he have to travel, which is why it was overnight?
  3. Did he come home to collect overnight bag or had he taken that when left for work?

Of course none of these opinions matter, as its your life snd if you want changes, which it sounds like you do, then you know what you need to do