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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
jannier · 18/10/2023 17:17

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/10/2023 15:56

You don't both need to be there. I'm surprised at a secondary school having parents evening for more than one year group in one evening though! Sounds chaotic

Both my kids...different schools...had whole school parents evening

Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2023 17:18

I'd be more pissed off that he's making all sorts of plans without mentioning them. If it was a concert, he presumably had tickets booked - fine if it's done with a discussion beforehand or at least informing you afterwards but but the sounds of it you had no idea and he was just assuming you'd be around for the children so he could be off on his merry way. That's no basis for a relationship. But it sounds like you know that and are in the process of leaving???
Don't make a big deal of it, just chalk it up to experience and make your escape.

Nowherenew · 18/10/2023 17:23

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:57

He was at a concert.

If he was at a concert which only has certain dates then I think it’s different than a night out that he can go anytime.

If it’s something he can go to anytime then I’d be annoyed about it.

If it’s something that’s a one off then I’d let it go.

Spacecowboys · 18/10/2023 17:25

Usually, one of us attends parents evenings not both. It tends to be me more because I want to go -I try and make sure I am off work. When I haven’t been able to get time off, dp will attend instead. If there were lots of issues with school/ behaviour etc I’d see that as a two parent job , otherwise I think one parent is fine.

Whatabouterry · 18/10/2023 17:26

Wouldn’t bother me. Mine are nearly done with secondary now and I think DH is yet to attend a parents evening. He’s perfectly well engaged, we just chat about it afterwards at home.

NewName122 · 18/10/2023 17:26

Parents evening 10 minute pointless litle chats are a waste of time and a box ticking exercise. Yabu. Maybe he can send an email saying Hi Mrs Teacher how's little Bob doing, if you are that bothered.

theresnolimits · 18/10/2023 17:28

I never did a single parents’ evening for my kids at secondary as I taught at the same school and was seeing parents. My DH did every one on his own. Not an issue - he’s a parent too.

But that’s not the issue here is it? It’s the complete lack of respect for you and the disregard for his family.

Time to bin. That’s the only way you and the kids will avoid being disappointed.

BellenderCarlisle · 18/10/2023 17:33

Onelifeonly · 18/10/2023 17:07

In itself, no I don't think it matters. We didn't necessarily both go to these things. But it sounds like you have a much bigger problem anyway.

That's what I was going to say.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 18/10/2023 17:36

Maybe he can send an email saying Hi Mrs Teacher how's little Bob doing, if you are that bothered.

As well as the OP going to the parents ' evening? No way. Teachers spend enough time at parents' evening without having to duplicate the information by email for a second parent who can get it from their spouse!

14blackcrows · 18/10/2023 17:36

I mean the background is important. Without it I've said YABU because you do not need both parents at patents evening. I often attend patents evening alone.
However if, as you say, he constantly leaves all the child admin to you whilst he swans off doing whatever then, yes, I would be very pissed off.

Catza · 18/10/2023 17:36

I read through your updates and it sounds as though you are as bad as each other. He is an absentee parent who is MIA but you clearly tried to manipulate him by lying to him about parent's evening even though it was a 10 minute catch up with a tutor... The relationship is over

Countryliving0180 · 18/10/2023 17:39

Personally I don't think both parents need to be there.

Resilience · 18/10/2023 17:39

To be fair, I'd much rather go to a concert than another parent's evening (which are far more an exercise in PR than they are anything else, since any real issues are brought up outside that medium). However, with rare exceptions I've gone to them all because of the message it sends my DC.

One of the most satisfying moments of the ending of my relationship with DC's father was when I told him that seeing as he'd left EVERY aspect of parenting to me AND I was the primary earner, being a single parent was actually going to be easier and less expensive than putting up with him. A rare occasion where he had nothing to say...

SawX · 18/10/2023 17:41

Prebooked concert would take precedence for me over being the second parent.
If I were a single parent, parent's evening first.
If he booked the concert after you made the appointments, he's U.

Quartz2208 · 18/10/2023 17:44

The word concert instantly showed who it was.

I hope you get the strength to leave

Stealthtax · 18/10/2023 17:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2023 17:56

For a first and last Parent's evening I think it's quite important

I did all the primary ones but my DH was there for most of the secondary

cruisebaba1 · 18/10/2023 17:58

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:02

@Maxus It was a meeting with form tutors only, so one appointment with Y11 at 5.50, Y7 at 6.15. I didn't say to dh that it was 'only' a tutor meeting, so he would have assumed a full on thing.

And no, it's not an isolated incident. I'm the default parent for almost everything. Well, everything. Just wondered how high on the scale not letting your kids or partner know you wouldn't be at a parents' evening would rank, generally.

He’s not buying in to parenthood is he? My father was like this, l went NC as son as l left home.

cruisebaba1 · 18/10/2023 17:59

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:18

@Sayitaintso33 "But if he wants his children to love him, then he should be aware that he can only let them down so often. And the same doubtless applies to his wife loving him."

This. If I didn't go to a school event, the kids would really be upset about it. I mean, they wouldn't make a drama out of it, but they would expect me to be there. They don't expect dad to do anything, they've come to not expect anything of him. I don't think he realises what his actions (or inactions) mean to them. And yes, I am planning my exit, trying to make sure the kids are ok.

Heres wishing you good luck, he has a lovely family but will lose them soon. Best wishes to you

cruisebaba1 · 18/10/2023 18:00

Whattodowithit88 · 18/10/2023 16:22

I’d say it’s absolutely fine, do it. But cations have consequences and his time is running out, it won’t be longer before the kids know their being dropped for whatever else comes up and their memories don’t vanish when they become adults, they will always know you never bothered.

Enjoy the concert.

This!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/10/2023 18:03

My DH and I went to every single parents' evening throughout our DC's schooling. It was because we valued education and wanted the kids to know it.
Sounds like your DH lives a bachelor's lifestyle, a bit like my father who also never once went to a parents' evening.

Glitterblue · 18/10/2023 18:03

@maxus we’ve just had one for DD which took literally 5 minutes, it was just with her form tutor at this stage and there will be a fill one much further into the academic year so it’s perfectly possible to have both in one evening.

Glitterblue · 18/10/2023 18:05

OP I’d have felt the same as you - you told him last week about it. I always arrange ours so we can both go.

happylittlesloth · 18/10/2023 18:05

I mean..what if you were going out too?

Frasers · 18/10/2023 18:06

cruisebaba1 · 18/10/2023 18:00

This!

Show quote history

Cmon it’s a ten min catch up with tutors not a proper parents night and plenty of folks don’t make parents night and it doesn’t cause huge damage.

tnis isn’t about the kids, it’s about the op and her husband, he just texted he isn’t coming home over night and she’s scared to mention it and wondering if she can use this as leverage to guilt him.

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