To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

[DoubleParent]

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

There is nothing recoverable here. He happens to sleep there when it suits him.

He's a tosser living in your house.

He is modelling the greatest waster of a father and you think you are protecting your children?

The best thing you could do is show them that being a complete selfish waster in peoples lives is that they will not want to be around you.

You modelling sucking it up and accepting this treatment is not good for them.

You do it all.
Do it without him.

It will be up to him if he has a relationship with his children not you.

I think you need to leave this pathetic excuse for a marriage as soon as you can. Who knows, maybe this mad will be a better father when he is forced to do something with his kids on "his" days? You need to think of yourself for a bit. This is not a good life you have.

What exactly worries you about your children’s lives changing? M

Honestly, OP, I think you don’t understand that this is a totally dysfunctional relationship you’re exposing your children to. Short term pain for long term gain - rip the bandage off and start divorce proceedings.

You're right @NoSquirrels In the moment I feel like it's normal as I've become so used to it, then if I tell someone what's going on, they are really shocked, and then I realise it is absolutely mental. The last thing I want is for my boys to think this is ok. But DH goes around the house whistling to his music or whatever and I think "have I just imagined all of this?" It's really mentally disconcerting....

He ‘s going around whistling and eating ice cream and acting like everything is normal because, for him, it is. He doesn’t give even the tiniest shit about you and your feelings.

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings or the DC feelings.

I really do not think the truth of this can be overstated.

Kindly meant, but I have two sons and I would much rather have reared them alone than think scum like your husband is any type of manhhod to emulate.

He's a total loser.

Better no father around at all, than think HE is an example to them IMO.

I’m amazed at the number of posters saying ‘why does he need to be there?’. By that token, why does she? There are always two chairs set out at parents evening, so I think it’s fairly standard for two to go. Both of mine went, we both go, and I don’t know any two parent families who don’t. He needs to re-prioritise.

Why do people always drip feed on these bloody posts?

Is it is a once in a lifetime concert? Is is a gig down the pub? How often does he go? How often is parents evening? How many appointments are there with teachers? How are your children doing in school? How is he in the rest of parents evening? Did he mention it to you beforehand or spring it on you right before parents evening? Etc.

I’m amazed at the number of posters saying ‘why does he need to be there?’. By that token, why does she? There are always two chairs set out at parents evening, so I think it’s fairly standard for two to go.

I disagree. I've been to quite a few parents' evenings as a parent and many, many more as a teacher. Of course we set out more than one chair, because both parents might come. That's not an indication that both parents should come. Sometimes they do. Sometimes only one does. I would see it as a total waste of time for dh and me to both attend parents' evening. I think most people's 'Why does he need to be there?' comment meant '...since you are already going', not 'because it's your job not his'.

From Monday keep of list of every time he is a parent and a husband. It sounds like he is more an inconvenient lodger than either. At the end of the week ask yourself how happy you would be if this time next year you were in the same position. If unhappy take hold of your future and do your best to improve it.

Re the ice cream. What I would have expected was "oh sorry, I ate that yesterday" at a minimum. Ideally followed up with "shall I pop to the shop for more"

Why are you so passive? Sounds like there are never any repercussions for his behaviour and it all adversely affects you and your sons. In that instance I would have have gone to the nearest shop and bought more ice cream. That's after telling him he's a selfish fucker. I feel very sorry for you but mostly the boys

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe I've been to counselling for my passiveness. Twice. I've just spotted this which describes how I feel about it all.

Do you really feel that it’s completely honest to say you don’t rock the boat so the marriage stays intact for the children’s sake? And it’s not for yours?

that if the children were grown you’d move out and start again? Is that truthful?

Have you posted about him before? The music gigs thing and being completely disconnected from family seems familiar and I remember reading that and thinking what an absolute loser.

He doesn't enhance your life, so why hang around? Honestly I wouldn't care about parents evening or teachers meeting, whatever it was. But laying on the couch all day on the back of being away with no discussion or notice, watching you run around like a blue arsed fly? Having to take your child to your mother's whilst their father is at home is absolutely disgraceful. Get him gone for good!

I could have written your post (swap concerts for work). I have made peace of sorts with him constantly letting me down but not our DC.

DD is in Year 11 and DH has been to 1 parents evening at secondary school. Last week there was an open evening for the 6th form she's thinking of attending and despite being reminded several times he "forgot".
Not a big deal to some but DD felt so let down and didn't hold hold back with her wrath!
I'm certainly not going to make excuses for him anymore and we are currently having marriage counselling as I don't want to be married to a passenger

I'm so sorry this is how you feel, I hope the counselling helped. Is there a way it could support you with leaving him if that's what you want?

Yes I think your kids Dad is letting them down but my DH couldn't make about half parents evening with our DDs due to work and he is a great dad. I guess it depends how active he is with your kids with other things.