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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have chosen parents' evening over his day/night out

169 replies

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 15:53

It was youngest son's first parents' evening at secondary and probably one of eldest son's last at secondary last night. Told dh last week that I had made the appointments for around 6pm to accommodate the end of his work day so we could both be there. Got a text early yesterday morning saying he was away for the day/night, no mention of school or the kids. Would you be annoyed or just shrug it off?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:37

I guess I'm anticipating what he might say if I bring it up. There's no way he'll think he's done anything wrong, and will make me feel like I'm making a big thing out of it, which is why I wanted a little straw poll to see how important this kind of thing is to others...

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 18/10/2023 16:38

As an isolated event I would say no big deal but as part of a pattern of behaviour it's poor.

RandomMess · 18/10/2023 16:38

You don't need words to end it.

You being unhappy and wanting to divorce/separate is sufficient. He cannot legally keep you trapped.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/10/2023 16:39

I went to one parents evening when DD first went to secondary. I was told nothing I didn't already know so didn't go to any others as it just seemed a complete waste of everyone's time. So no I don't think your H is being U to go to a concert instead. Presumably the concert was in the diary longer than the parents evening?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 18/10/2023 16:40

My dc are 15 and 18 and dh and tbh it would never have occured to us to both go to their primary or secondary parents' evenings together. It's just not necessary imo. However, that doesn't mean it's ok for him to just assume you'll be default parent.

Azaeleasinbloom · 18/10/2023 16:40

I think it is important that he takes an active interest in his DC and their education. But as you are finalising your exit, and good for you that you are, I wouldn’t bother bringing it up with him. If he cares enough to ask why as you are leaving, you can fling it at him then, but why waste your breath.
Good luck to you OP.

Velvian · 18/10/2023 16:42

It wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:42

@CalistoNoSolo The thing is, yes these things can be a complete waste of time, and in reality they usually are as the teachers have nothing much to say that they haven't already said over the years. But I make the effort every single time for my kids. They see that I am there for them. Does DH really not get that???

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 18/10/2023 16:44

In my opinion he should be there, not going to some concert.

MadeOfAllWork · 18/10/2023 16:46

MrsKarlUrban · 18/10/2023 16:25

I think parents evening is fine on you're own. I'd be more concerned he'd text to say he will be away day and night! Without any prior conversation

This. My DH wouldn’t dream of just casually texting that he was going to be out, and we’ve not got children to worry about.
Our conversation would go like this:

Friend has just said he has tickets to a concert tonight. Would you mind if I went?

Of course not, have a great time.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/10/2023 16:46

It's important that both parents are interested in their children's education.
It doesn't have to mean both parents go everytime but year 11 is Important.
If he was unable to go because of work but came back home and started asking questions about how the meeting went and any help he as a parent can do to help your child meet expectations then fair enough but from the posts I'm pretty sure he is a father that doesn't even think it's his job to be involved or take an active interest.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/10/2023 16:51

Will he even ask about the parents evening if you don't bring it up? Does he show any interest in his DCs?

Cumbrianlife · 18/10/2023 16:51

3DC who have all left school and I've yet to learn a single thing from PE. You are right to be pissed off that you take on all the DC's mental load but not for this reason. There's absolutely no need for you both to attend.

Frasers · 18/10/2023 16:55

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:37

I guess I'm anticipating what he might say if I bring it up. There's no way he'll think he's done anything wrong, and will make me feel like I'm making a big thing out of it, which is why I wanted a little straw poll to see how important this kind of thing is to others...

Why are you scared to raise it?

for me, it would be no issue in isolation,but fucking off to a concert with just a text message saying he’s not coming home is the bigger issue.

is there a possibility he’s met someone else?

Anniessong · 18/10/2023 17:02

If it wasn’t for work it would bother me. I would feel as though he wasn’t taking an interest in their education or was prioritising himself over the children. Both parents don’t need to be there but it’s better that they both want to be

Lavenderflower · 18/10/2023 17:02

If this is an isolated incident I wouldn't be bothered but if was a pattern, I would be concerned about lack of interest in my child's education and future. I'm going against the grain here. I think it is important for both parents to attend unless they have got a valid reason. This doesn't apply to single parents. I do think it shows a lack of interest in your colds education if you don't attend.

PrinceHaz · 18/10/2023 17:06

It’s not good and as part of a the not good picture generally, sound line you’d be better off without him.

Onelifeonly · 18/10/2023 17:07

In itself, no I don't think it matters. We didn't necessarily both go to these things. But it sounds like you have a much bigger problem anyway.

Catusrusty · 18/10/2023 17:08

Dont waste your breath on him OP.

He obviously doesn't give a crap about being a shit parent and a shit husband to boot.

Honestly, you know you won't change him. Save your precious energy for your escape.

Your kids will be fine, because they have you.

PrinceHaz · 18/10/2023 17:09

The reason it’s not important to him is that he knows you’ll always do it.
My DP is quite a lot like this and my 17 year old daughter has said to me, how doesn’t do things because he knows you will. It’s rubbish.

LlynTegid · 18/10/2023 17:12

What adds salt to the wound is not saying anything at the time you reminded or told him about the parents' evening. Even if it was a concert by someone only appearing once say in a long time.

Passepartoute · 18/10/2023 17:13

DoubleParent · 18/10/2023 16:18

@Sayitaintso33 "But if he wants his children to love him, then he should be aware that he can only let them down so often. And the same doubtless applies to his wife loving him."

This. If I didn't go to a school event, the kids would really be upset about it. I mean, they wouldn't make a drama out of it, but they would expect me to be there. They don't expect dad to do anything, they've come to not expect anything of him. I don't think he realises what his actions (or inactions) mean to them. And yes, I am planning my exit, trying to make sure the kids are ok.

Have you put it to him that his actions mean that his children just don't see him as a parent any more? Because that is where this has got to. If most other parents turn up to school stuff or, when they miss it, have a very valid reason, and your children just don't expect him either to turn up or to produce a reason, they they don't really see him as their father, he's become just an adult who lives in their house.

Frasers · 18/10/2023 17:13

I think you’ve led with the wrong thing and it’s directed the answers.

the issue isn’t him missing meeting with the tutors. It’s simply he texted you in the morning saying he wasn’t coming home at all and staying away all night and the fact you’re scared to address it with him , appearing to not want to rock the boat.

how often does he just text and say he’s not coming home?

Frasers · 18/10/2023 17:15

Passepartoute · 18/10/2023 17:13

Have you put it to him that his actions mean that his children just don't see him as a parent any more? Because that is where this has got to. If most other parents turn up to school stuff or, when they miss it, have a very valid reason, and your children just don't expect him either to turn up or to produce a reason, they they don't really see him as their father, he's become just an adult who lives in their house.

Show quote history

Oh hang on. You took that and ran with hit hard. She said they didn’t expect him to do anything, they will think it’s work. That doesn’t mean they don’t see him as their father. I think you took that way too far.

FallingAutumnLeaf · 18/10/2023 17:15

We've had a similar evening for our Y10.
As soon as the date came out, I mentioned it to DH, and he replied can't make that night, I'll be at X -which is work related.

I don't think it's so much that DH couldn't make it IF he has a previously booked event. The problem is he either didn't say he couldn't make it immediately, or he bought a concert ticket after the date was known.