Page 20 | Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

Babysharkdodo123 · 2023-10-18T11:01:11+00:00

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine. Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP). I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry". So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 20/10/2023 19:27

I can’t see why you don’t do laundry on mat leave. On the days without your toddler what do you do? Sahp = most of the housework in my view especially if you are using childcare. Otherwise it’s really not fair on the working parent (I’ve been both).

MCamp10 · 20/10/2023 19:27

Please tell me this isn’t for real?

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 19:39

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 18:51

Is there anyone who actually likes/liked looking after their children?

Balanced with working full time? Absolutely.
Doing it 24/7? No thanks.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 19:41

Carlosi456 · 20/10/2023 19:26

It's amazing that single parents somehow manage all this on their own.

They have no choice though, do they?

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 19:45

My priority was always family time/dp spending time with his children time/me being on my own time. If that meant I did a bit more than my share of laundry, then it was a fair trade!

VioletCharlotte · 20/10/2023 19:52

I've not read the whole thread so someone has probably already said this, but my view is that mat leave is primarily for looking after the baby and recovering from the birth. Being a SAHP is slightly different, this is your main role so the lions share (but not all!) of the housework, washing, etc should sit with you.

His comment about the dog would piss me off as pets are a joint responsibility. The washing, unless you had loads piling up and no one has any clean clothes, he has no right to tell you how to organise your day!

Carlosi456 · 20/10/2023 20:01

Sometimes single parenting is a choice.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 20:04

Carlosi456 · 20/10/2023 20:01

Sometimes single parenting is a choice.

The majority of the time, it isn't.

It's irrelevant anyway, someone who isn't a single parent obviously isn't doing it alone.

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 20:10

@Quisquam yep, that is exactly what a working day is like.

Fogwisp · 20/10/2023 20:59

Wrongsideofpennines · 20/10/2023 13:53

I'm not going to comment on the dog bit because I have no experience but I'll tell you how it usually goes when I try to hang washing out.

Toddler: spends 5 minutes arguing about coming outside. Then once you've decided to do it without them they scream they want to come and throw a tantrum. So you start helping them put their shoes on which they then spend 10 minutes arguing they can do it themselves. Eventually you cajole them outside where they find a puddle/birdbath/plant pot and empty it on themselves. They are now muddy and wet and decide that's the moment they're going to help with the washing. So now they are cold and wet and your clean washing is muddy. You then spend another 10 minutes persuading them to come inside and now you have to clean and change them.
Or you leave them inside and while you're gone they drag the baby across the floor, wee on the sofa or find a tissue box that they empty every tissue individually out of. Or worse and they actually injure the baby.

Baby: screams the entire time regardless of where you put them because they're no longer being held. Or you have them in the sling and they spend the whole time trying to grab/look at what you're doing and you try desperately not to tip them out as your thighs aren't built for this much squatting to the basket with an extra weight strapped to you.

The best days are when you've done all this and then it rains on your washing.

Some days you take the easy option and just don't hang the washing up until they're in bed. Your husband tells you you should have done that already and asks what have you been doing all day. Then you have a bit of a moan online and people give helpful 'tips' that wouldn't help at all and you feel even more crap about yourself.

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Exactly. I thought this would be dazzlingly obvious to anyone who's ever met a baby or a toddler. Even getting out of the house can take hours and it's heavy physical work when you're recovering from childbirth and have chronic sleep deprivation.

Dogs tend to be a bit like the toddler in this scenario, slightly better behaved and easier to distract, but still liable to want to play with the washing after rolling in mud.

Fogwisp · 20/10/2023 21:03

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:03

I never imagined that taking care of a dog, washing machine, and a baby could be considered as stressful as a full-time job. I anticipate that a lot of job seekers might mention these challenges during their interviews when they are returning to work.😆

Erm, yes, it is full time work and yes actually the skills involved are considered valuable and valid (by intelligent, sane people rather than sneering misogynists) on a C.V.!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 21:10

Carlosi456 · 20/10/2023 19:26

It's amazing that single parents somehow manage all this on their own.

And single, childfree men somehow manage to do laundry and other housework around their full-time jobs. Give them a wife and a couple of kids, though, and they’re suddenly incapable.

Fogwisp · 20/10/2023 21:15

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 07:26

Does it though? Surely he comes home from work and has the baby to look after too? Which is apparently so difficult 100% of the time that it must surely require the 2 adults all evening anyway.

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In my experience it's very hard indeed even with two adults, which is why humans have throughout history until very recently had groups of people sharing the childcare.

Givemethereins · 20/10/2023 21:23

ASCCM · 18/10/2023 12:26

You are completely unreasonable. Your job currently is to do all the childcare and housework you possibly can. Surely you can put a wash on and hang it up during the day? I work full time and have kids but as I wfh I do pretty much all the housework and washing so I don’t really understand why you can’t?

Sure, he could have taken the dog, who arrange the appointment for that time? Why wasn’t it arrange when you have one at nursery? Better planning would help you all it sounds like!

Well A. Obvs your not working from home full time if your doing all the housework. Unless your part time. And are you looking at 2 small children atbthe same time?
And someone's getting a rich deal out of you if your doing all the housework, laundry etc and working. I guess your partner isn't expected to do anything to chip in?

Blueink · 20/10/2023 21:28

Not with a 4 month old and 22 month old, I wouldn’t expect you to be taking the dog to the vet while your DH is at work.

I don’t think putting on a load of washing is unreasonable, but your DH’s attitude isn’t great.

Quisquam · 20/10/2023 21:29

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Givemethereins · 20/10/2023 21:32

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 19/10/2023 15:09

@IActuallyDidItMyself , I just find it so odd that for generations women have looked after the children, done the housework the shopping and cooking and laundry and all of a sudden simply looking after the children is a full time job. Sometimes in difficult circumstances it might be but generally it really isn’t and they are being deeply unfair to their partners who do have full time jobs. Not a popular opinion on here but the truth as I see it.

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It is god damn full time job!! Are you lot trying to push womens right back 20 years!! So what women could kill themselves over the housework while ignoring their children and there own mental health, only to have dinner kn the table for the husband to come home too.
Childcare is a full time job ! Ask any au pair, nanny, babysitter!.
I say this as someone who worked in those jobs and as a stay at home mum to my 3 younger children.
Screw that work yourself to the bone shit just so the menfolk don't have too. They also can work full time AND DO THEIR own share. It cuts both ways ladies. Stop martyring yourself.

Blueink · 20/10/2023 21:34

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 21:10

And single, childfree men somehow manage to do laundry and other housework around their full-time jobs. Give them a wife and a couple of kids, though, and they’re suddenly incapable.

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Ha ha yes, plus single parent doesn’t have an entitled arse expecting them to do X, Y, Z to a timetable.

NumbersEverywhere · 20/10/2023 21:40

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 18:51

Is there anyone who actually likes/liked looking after their children?

I absolutely LOVE being a SAHM. Wouldn't swap it for the world and am VERY lucky to be able to make the choice to do it.

Blueink · 20/10/2023 21:46

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:03

I never imagined that taking care of a dog, washing machine, and a baby could be considered as stressful as a full-time job. I anticipate that a lot of job seekers might mention these challenges during their interviews when they are returning to work.😆

I have a stressful job, but still disagree.

4 month old and 22 month old plus dog is a lot.

I imagine things will get easier with time, but personally wasn’t recovered from the birth by 4 months, plus BF.

If OP is finding it hard to put on a load of washing clearly they are not finding things that easy. DH attitude is not helping.

DoughBallss · 20/10/2023 21:57

Im on the fence here

Im also on mat with 5 month old and got a 3 year old in school. I do the shopping/cooking, cleaning is mainly me but OH will do kitchen after dinner etc and general house maintenance.

Washing takes a few minutes to put in, it could be washing when you’re out with your friend and dried when you get back.

Sounds like you both need to have a chat and compromise a bit.

Fogwisp · 20/10/2023 23:55

Givemethereins · 20/10/2023 21:32

It is god damn full time job!! Are you lot trying to push womens right back 20 years!! So what women could kill themselves over the housework while ignoring their children and there own mental health, only to have dinner kn the table for the husband to come home too.
Childcare is a full time job ! Ask any au pair, nanny, babysitter!.
I say this as someone who worked in those jobs and as a stay at home mum to my 3 younger children.
Screw that work yourself to the bone shit just so the menfolk don't have too. They also can work full time AND DO THEIR own share. It cuts both ways ladies. Stop martyring yourself.

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Exactly. I find the antifeminist undermining of motherhood on mumsnet disgusting.

LolaSmiles · 21/10/2023 06:43

Is there anyone who actually likes/liked looking after their children?
We do. We're also not the only family we know who've either used SPL or where both parents went part time, or both.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 07:07

"Exactly. I find the antifeminist undermining of motherhood on mumsnet disgusting."

I don't find it remotely anti-feminist to say I want my dp to be spending his out of work time with his children. And that I want time off at the weekend.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/10/2023 09:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 19:39

Balanced with working full time? Absolutely.
Doing it 24/7? No thanks.

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@CurlewKate

yeah it would get proper tedious to do it 24/7 and not do anything else.

men would never get flamed for saying that so why should women?!