Page 18 | Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

Babysharkdodo123 · 2023-10-18T11:01:11+00:00

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine. Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP). I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry". So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

LolaSmiles · 20/10/2023 05:40

WeightoftheWorld
We found the same.
I was taking maternity leave - no questions asked
DH and I chose to do shared parental leave - that's nice, but do you not mind giving up some of your time off? I couldn't give up my maternity leave so DH had time off work.
I announce returning part time - no questions asked, they're only young once, you need to cherish the time
DH announces he is working part time too - but what about your career, can you do that, what will work say, what about your pension?

I'd be a very rich woman for every time I've heard people amazed that DH 'helps'.

Scalottia · 20/10/2023 05:49

@oneofthosedays23 but why the need to ask 'do you want some money'? Did you not have your own access to money when you wanted/needed it?

@MissDani27 that's a strange reaction to a pissed off husband - to do his laundry. Yep I bet that really showed him!

autiebooklover · 20/10/2023 06:28

Your dh is being an entitled arse. He should take dog to vets because you have the children. And the dismissive way he ignored the email would really piss me off. I would say you need to cancel and reschedule it then.

I work part time, during week I deal with kids/dog walks/house. Dh comes in eats tea , plays with kids while I do pots and we do bed time together . At a weekend we share everything. We also both get a bit of down time.

Your dh seems to value his job above you caring for your two children. I would ask him if he wants you to come to work and start telling him what to do. Or shall you both be equals and treat each other with respect?

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:03

I never imagined that taking care of a dog, washing machine, and a baby could be considered as stressful as a full-time job. I anticipate that a lot of job seekers might mention these challenges during their interviews when they are returning to work.😆

BertieBotts · 20/10/2023 07:04

Surely it depends on the baby FFS

BertieBotts · 20/10/2023 07:05

Goldbar · 20/10/2023 04:31

when she goes back to work the household / kids / general life crap should be split equally between them

But this very rarely happens. Once this crap is unloaded onto the woman on maternity leave, men tend not to take it all back.

That's why I'm amazed that everyone is so exercised about a woman on mat leave 'apparently not pulling her weight' 🙄. It is such a short period of time, she's just given birth, she's finished being pregnant for up to 9 months, usually she's being kept awake at night and in this case, there's another child in the picture as well.

Surely it is not asking too much for her partner to step up a bit at this time!!! And cut her some slack. And do their fair share like any other adult would have to do, working or not.

Instead, partners usually step down. And they don't step up again when the mat leave ends.

Also all of this.

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 07:26

Backagain23 · 19/10/2023 22:53

How amazing it is that for some people (men), producing babies actually means that their lives get easier and they have less general life crap to deal with than ever before!
The baby handily comes with a service human who will see to all of the man's needs, even down to taking his dog to the vet. And all in exchange for a bit of sperm! Bravo ladies! 👏

Does it though? Surely he comes home from work and has the baby to look after too? Which is apparently so difficult 100% of the time that it must surely require the 2 adults all evening anyway.

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 07:35

Flossflower · 20/10/2023 02:55

There are so many posts on MN about division of household chores. So many of these posters seem to have a dog and all the extra work that goes with it. Just why? Can’t you wait until your kids are older to get one?

And “watching the dog” apparently equates to a full time job. Couldn’t possibly hang up washing while watching the dog.

Goldbar · 20/10/2023 07:41

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:03

I never imagined that taking care of a dog, washing machine, and a baby could be considered as stressful as a full-time job. I anticipate that a lot of job seekers might mention these challenges during their interviews when they are returning to work.😆

Well, most employers would consider caring for a baby time-consuming enough that they'd expect the employee to have childcare arrangements in place. So in that sense caring for a baby would indeed be a challenge in terms of returning to work 🙄.

I mean, if it isn't, why aren't all working parents just turning up with their babies and cracking on with their jobs instead of paying a nursery/ nanny £1000 plus a month to do something that "isn't really a real job anyway"?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/10/2023 07:46

Goldbar · 20/10/2023 07:41

Well, most employers would consider caring for a baby time-consuming enough that they'd expect the employee to have childcare arrangements in place. So in that sense caring for a baby would indeed be a challenge in terms of returning to work 🙄.

I mean, if it isn't, why aren't all working parents just turning up with their babies and cracking on with their jobs instead of paying a nursery/ nanny £1000 plus a month to do something that "isn't really a real job anyway"?

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Your logic doesn't stack up. There are lots of things that employers might consider to be incompatible with the working day. Looking after a baby is one. Watching telly all day is another. The fact that employers don't consider these activities to be compatible with work is not, in itself, evidence that they are hard work or all consuming.

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:48

Goldbar · 20/10/2023 07:41

Well, most employers would consider caring for a baby time-consuming enough that they'd expect the employee to have childcare arrangements in place. So in that sense caring for a baby would indeed be a challenge in terms of returning to work 🙄.

I mean, if it isn't, why aren't all working parents just turning up with their babies and cracking on with their jobs instead of paying a nursery/ nanny £1000 plus a month to do something that "isn't really a real job anyway"?

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Imagine the scenario.
The interviewer asked the interviewee, 'Tell me about a time when you were under pressure and had to multitask, how did you manage to overcome these difficulties'.

Interviewee, 'Whilst on mat leave I had to watch the doggy, washing machine and the babeee, so I went on Mumsnet for 4 hrs to ask for advice'.

I think some posters live in cuckoo land.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 07:49

Missdemeanorz · 20/10/2023 07:03

I never imagined that taking care of a dog, washing machine, and a baby could be considered as stressful as a full-time job. I anticipate that a lot of job seekers might mention these challenges during their interviews when they are returning to work.😆

ROFLCOPTER! LOLZ! Actually spitting my tea!

Backagain23 · 20/10/2023 07:52

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 07:26

Does it though? Surely he comes home from work and has the baby to look after too? Which is apparently so difficult 100% of the time that it must surely require the 2 adults all evening anyway.

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Well apparently so, yes. Her indoors is trapped with a 4 month old and a toddler anyway so why should she not be taking full responsibility for the dog and everything else too?
Before they had children I'm sure he would have been expected to participate in dog care, running the home etc. But now he apparently shouldn't have too. Why have a dog and bark yourself and all that.
So grateful for my DH right now, honestly.

oneofthosedays23 · 20/10/2023 08:49

Scalottia · 20/10/2023 05:49

@oneofthosedays23 but why the need to ask 'do you want some money'? Did you not have your own access to money when you wanted/needed it?

@MissDani27 that's a strange reaction to a pissed off husband - to do his laundry. Yep I bet that really showed him!

Yep I do, but he got paid before me, so he offered!

Stormyweathr · 20/10/2023 11:43

I work from home and whilst my Dh doesn’t say it out loud, the expectation is for me to do the washing and some of the cleaning on my lunch or break times, tbh I do have the time to do this and this is no issue he also has a high labour job and is out early in the morning in the rain, snow etc

this being said my expectation is then to share the jobs that need doing of a night time ie cooking, loading/unloading the dishwasher etc because whilst I might be busy all day (the same as him) I still expect equal amounts of downtime after I finish work

Nina1013 · 20/10/2023 11:46

I think you’re just being awkward. Throwing a wash in and hanging it out or shoving it in the dryer is an easy job.

In our house, whoever is AT HOME will make dinner, push the hoover round and stick a wash in because they’re 5 minute jobs (dinner not withstanding) that can be slotted in around other things. In reality whoever works from home more in a particular week does more.

You aren’t constantly on the go with a baby - they nap, you’ll sit down and be able to watch TV while you feed, your toddler is in nursery (which I assume your husband’s wage pays for). If I was him, I would stop the nursery, let you be a SAHP to both kids (full time job with both including a toddler) and use that money saved to pay a cleaner and someone to do the laundry.

Everything seems stacked in your favour here and you sound very much like you’re not a team player.

On a weekend, obviously you’d split the chores. But when you are literally at home and he’s not physically there, of course you should stick a load of washing in.

Cornflakes44 · 20/10/2023 11:52

Nina1013 · 20/10/2023 11:46

I think you’re just being awkward. Throwing a wash in and hanging it out or shoving it in the dryer is an easy job.

In our house, whoever is AT HOME will make dinner, push the hoover round and stick a wash in because they’re 5 minute jobs (dinner not withstanding) that can be slotted in around other things. In reality whoever works from home more in a particular week does more.

You aren’t constantly on the go with a baby - they nap, you’ll sit down and be able to watch TV while you feed, your toddler is in nursery (which I assume your husband’s wage pays for). If I was him, I would stop the nursery, let you be a SAHP to both kids (full time job with both including a toddler) and use that money saved to pay a cleaner and someone to do the laundry.

Everything seems stacked in your favour here and you sound very much like you’re not a team player.

On a weekend, obviously you’d split the chores. But when you are literally at home and he’s not physically there, of course you should stick a load of washing in.

The toddler is only in nursery a few mornings, possibly getting the free 30 hours. And surely any money in the family is joint money to make a joint decision about. Your post comes across so sexist. If his wife won't do the grunt work for him he should force her to look after both kids and hire someone in to do it. God forbid he does anything himself. This thread has genuinely depressed me. No wonder men are so entitled and think a 35 hour working means they don't have to do any housework, if this is the attitude of so many women.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 12:02

If I was him, I would stop the nursery, let you be a SAHP to both kids (full time job with both including a toddler) and use that money saved to pay a cleaner and someone to do the laundry.
Christ almighty. You don’t get to unilaterally decide your spouse will be a SAHP. You think because OP has a four month old and is on maternity leave that her husband should control the purse strings and make all the decisions?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/10/2023 12:06

This is such an ask now because being at home with small children is fun. Going to work is not fun

Hahahaahahaha

What age? My twins are 3. They're great but I wouldn't call the universal experience of raising them "fun"
What job? Not everyone hates work.

GCSister · 20/10/2023 12:08

This is such an ask now because being at home with small children is fun. Going to work is not fun

I did not enjoy staying at home with small children and I love my job ......

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 12:10

Nina1013 · 20/10/2023 11:46

I think you’re just being awkward. Throwing a wash in and hanging it out or shoving it in the dryer is an easy job.

In our house, whoever is AT HOME will make dinner, push the hoover round and stick a wash in because they’re 5 minute jobs (dinner not withstanding) that can be slotted in around other things. In reality whoever works from home more in a particular week does more.

You aren’t constantly on the go with a baby - they nap, you’ll sit down and be able to watch TV while you feed, your toddler is in nursery (which I assume your husband’s wage pays for). If I was him, I would stop the nursery, let you be a SAHP to both kids (full time job with both including a toddler) and use that money saved to pay a cleaner and someone to do the laundry.

Everything seems stacked in your favour here and you sound very much like you’re not a team player.

On a weekend, obviously you’d split the chores. But when you are literally at home and he’s not physically there, of course you should stick a load of washing in.

OP is on maternity leave. Her baby is only 3 months old, depending on her job benefits, she could still be getting the majority of her salary, maybe even all of it.

Even if she wasn't, I'm assuming they both agreed to have another baby which includes the mother taking some maternity leave. OP's DH doesn't get to make any of those decisions alone.

Nina1013 · 20/10/2023 12:12

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 12:02

If I was him, I would stop the nursery, let you be a SAHP to both kids (full time job with both including a toddler) and use that money saved to pay a cleaner and someone to do the laundry.
Christ almighty. You don’t get to unilaterally decide your spouse will be a SAHP. You think because OP has a four month old and is on maternity leave that her husband should control the purse strings and make all the decisions?

Not at all - but as a parent I know that having a baby does not mean there’s no time to put a wash on, and she’s being unreasonable.

She isn’t being a team player at all - if he was expecting the house to be spotless when he comes home then yes of course that’s totally unreasonable but it’s a load of washing and she’s at home anyway! We aren’t talking about her being asked to deep clean the bathrooms, do the whole house it’s just keep on top of the washing at a time she’s in the house anyway so that everyone has clean clothes.

I’d feel exactly the same if roles were reversed - when my husband is at home I expect him to potter about the house as and when he can - but he does it without being asked anyway because it’s his home, his clothes, his responsibility too.

If the post was about him doing nothing at all, that’s entirely different. But it’s during the time when she’s at home and he’s not at home. He can’t do it, she can. It’s not being done out of principle and that’s not right.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 12:13

She’s not at home to do it, though, she’s out meeting a friend, the lazy slattern!

Katypp · 20/10/2023 13:09

I cannot think of any situation where a working mum was asked by her stay-at-home partner to take the dog to the vet would be so vilified. I agree with the pp upthread who identified the MN rhetoric that there's nothing more difficult than looking after children and their partner 'only has a job'.
All paid employment is an easy ride until a woman does it, then it suddenly becomes Very Important Indeed.
I am still aghast at the poster who seemed to be claiming that having a dog, baby and toddler to look after meant she couldn't hang out washing.
Here's a tip:
Dog: Take outside with you.
Toddler: Also take outside with you or make up some peek-a-boo game if they watch you through a window
Baby: Leave indoors in cot/chair/pram

If that really is beyond the wit of some on maternity leave, I am surprised they have a job to go back to.

LolaSmiles · 20/10/2023 13:39

I’d feel exactly the same if roles were reversed - when my husband is at home I expect him to potter about the house as and when he can - but he does it without being asked anyway because it’s his home, his clothes, his responsibility too
DH and I took the same approach when we have been on shared parental leave and when working part time.The person at home does some stuff as part of pottering around the house.

Then again we also manage to put a load of laundry on in the morning if we're working from home and hang it out at lunch, and if there's something one of us thinks really needs doing we would mention it to the person at home because we're a team so neither of us is going to get arsey.