Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

I absolutely loved looking after my dd when she was little (she's an adult now) and didn't find it hard work at all. I only had one child though, so didn't have all of the tiresome refereeing that often goes on between siblings, and dd was always a delight to be with, so I get that it's different for people with more kids and/or more challenging kids. I also get that it's relentless to be doing anything 24/7, which is a very good reason not to be a SAHP in my book!

@LuckySantangelo35 "yeah it would get proper tedious to do it 24/7 and not do anything else.

men would never get flamed for saying that so why should women?!"

I don't think anyone's being flamed, are they?

@CurlewKate

maybe not flamed but comments such as ‘does anyone actually enjoy looking after their children anymore’ kind of vibe is pretty judgmental

What a load of shit Popping a child in bouncer or cot for 5 mins while loading a washing machine is hardly neglect. Even if they cry .

This thread is very enlightening. Now we know where all the feral children come from. They're the ones left alone in infancy to cry their eyes out so Mom can have a spotless house.

This is hilarious nonsense. Kids are feral because their parents might ensure they're safe whilst Mum/Dad loads the dishwasher or puts the washing machine on. Give me strength.

Mumsnet is hilarious. On the one hand you're living in utter squalor if you have a toilet brush, don't antibac a million times a day, have dust on your skirting boards, haven't got the right Zoflora scent for the season, and don't hinch your house multiple times a week, and use a towel more than once, but on this thread the suggestion that a parent does a 5 minutes chore is so utterly awful and traumatic and leads to feral children. It's unreasonable to expect parents to do quick chores if they have a baby or toddler around. 😂

I swear I'm starting to think all the sensible parents are doing it wrong. Somehow lots of us manage to not live in a spotless showhome, do some chores whilst we potter at home, and spend quality time with our kids that we enjoy without telling ourselves that kids will be feral if we don't spend every waking moment being a children's entertainer.🤷‍♀️

Some really nasty stuff on here. How about simply grasping that individuals have different lives and experiences and accordingly find some things harder than others?

I don’t know whether I’m wrong but when I was on mat leave with 1 in nursery a couple of days and a 4 month old I did the lions share, the baby nàpped lots so there was plenty of time to keep on top of the house and the laundry whilst hubby worked. In fact by keeping on top of it meant that we could enjoy more family time together in the evening as things were done. I don’t think he’s unreasonable and if he’s just had a promotion he’s probably feeling a lot of pressure and tired / drained. You’re off at home so in the times baby isn’t awake snd todd’er isn’t home I think you should be doing what you can to support him too. By all means take baby out to massage and coffees but mat leave isn’t a big social is it? Hubby is working to keep things afloat because you’re on mat leave , why should he then come home to a lot of chores.

How would you feel if he said I’ll do 2nd half of leave and you go back to work and he took pat leave and then complained about being asked to stick on some laundry

Isn’t her “hubby” just doing his normal job rather than “working to keep things afloat”. He’d be doing that anyway, whether he had a family or not, same with housework and his washing.

Doing his normal job yeah but if he also took pat leave then it’s possible they would struggle financially and with one being on smp they’ll have less financially.

i didn’t mean he was doing more, but that if both should be putting the same hours in. If they are then fair enough and he is no exonerated from housework but if there is time during the day whilst baby is napping then personally I have done as much as I could.

Nah, men should get nine months off coming home to chores while funding their wife on their chillout coffee social.

I could have run the world with DS1. He ran like clockwork, naps by the book, slept through the night, nothing was a bother.
His brother was a non sleeping, non napping, non put downable nightmare and by then I also had a demanding toddler with a serious health condition to manage too.
How much I could have done with DS1 is a complete irrelevance to how things panned out with DS3.
Babies are different. Circumstances are different. People are different.
One thing that isn't different is DHs job. It didn't become extra burdensome just because I was off work looking after our babies. Home life changed and became more burdensome and that was and is as much his job to deal with as mine.

That’s a fair point, the job was always there and manageable before thoogh h s had a promotion so more pressure. I guess I just felt that there was stuff I could do to take the pressure off both of us in the evenings so we could have more quality time together.
hope your little one is doing ok now

Pre mat leave: chores shared
During mat leave: chores shared
Post mat leave: chores shared

Not difficult to comprehend really.

everything shared surely - both parents put in the same effort - that’s all - so maybe it’s a judge by situation and if easy sleepy child then plenty of time to contribute to the family.
we want equality so let’s be fair

So you think that one parent should work full-time and do 50% of the housework and childcare after they finish work, while the other should do 50% of the housework and childcare but no outside paid work?

Then surely it should reason that all costs are split 50:50 too? How is the SAHP going to fund that?

equal doesn’t mean fair. It should be equal in terms of downtime - and going out for coffees with friends is downtime.

I am still not understanding why there is so much concern that the maximum productivity might not be wrung out of a woman on mat leave and that she might, shock horror, get to take it easy for a bit. You know, after being pregnant for 9 months, giving birth, recovering from birth, never getting more than a few hours sleep for weeks or perhaps months on end and, in this case, juggling another child for most of the time.

The OP will be back at work in no time and, to the extent that her husband has got used to an easy life and not contributing because she's picking up the slack, it will just mean more work for both of them to get things on an even keel again.

Well, no, the baby is still being looked after, entertained, fed, changed, etc. while the parent is struggling to listen to and talk to the friend, so it's essential adult human connection time needed for mental health yes, but very far indeed from "downtime"!

It's more fairly compared with the parent who's doing paid work having a chat with a colleague over coffee about a project they're working on or going to lunch or having a tea break during the working day.

going out for coffees with friends is downtime.
How so, with a four month old in tow? Who might poo up to their armpits, scream the whole time, fancy being jiggled to sleep in the sling but only if OP remains upright and in motion, decide today’s the day for a growth spurt and suck every last ounce of energy and hydration out of OP.

Going out for coffee with friends during maternity leave is childcare with extra caffeine, not a ladies who lunch scenario.

Your maths is off, anyway. One parent, her DH, works full time outside the house, then in the hours outside work, housework is 50/50 and childcare is split however they do it, but I’d wager at four months the bulk of it is on OP. The other parent, OP, works full time inside the house doing childcare – two days a week to a baby, three days a week to two kids – then in the hours outside that work, housework is 50/50 and, as above, the bulk of baby care falls to her. Plus she’s on maternity leave and contributing SMP to the pot. And even if she weren’t, she’s contributing financially via the savings on childcare – full time care for my DD from age 1 to 2 was £1600 a month, it’ll be more than that for a four month old.

I am a FTSHM and in a day I think it is resonable to get 1 chore done/started even days we go out. I break up the day. Morning we go out afternoon at home we get 1 or 2 choree done. Otherwise but if a wasted day I feel.
Unless we are out all day.

I get my LO involved in chores as well. And when LO was smaller I wore on my frint and then back after 6 months.

A four month old baby should still be napping several times a day, even if it is whilst on their parent. I’d do maternity leave a million times over - wake up, get us both ready for a class, socialise for an hour, head home for lunch, put baby down for a nap, tidy up and back out for coffee and the school run in the afternoon. I loved every second of it, both times. Can’t say the same about working full time (and generally speaking, I love my job - but it’s significantly more stressful than baby sensory, loading on a washload and Starbucks.)

I only count lunches and coffees as "downtime" if I don't have either of my DC in tow. Otherwise same shit, different place, potentially with company. I'm still feeding 2 kids, sorting drinks, cleaning up spills and wiping mess off the floor, just in a restaurant or cafe not in my home.

But if they did what was stopping him from doing it?

That's a bit sad in my view. Most of my "downtime" when dd was little was spent with dd in tow, and I loved it.

I wonder if WOH makes people appreciate time with their kids more, because they don't view it as a job?

I wonder if WOH makes people appreciate time with their kids more, because they don't view it as a job?

I doubt it. They seem to find it harder to spend time with their children.

I never saw being a SAHM as my 'job.' I saw it as being bloody lucky. Picking up all the domestic jobs was a fair exchange in my view. I got to do all the fun things and a bit of laundry and cooking was hardly onerous.

I wonder if WOH makes people appreciate time with their kids more, because they don't view it as a job?
This might get me flamed but I don't think it's a SAHP/WOHP divide.

I think it's that some parents (regardless of whether they are a SAHP/WOHP) have a generally positive outlook, accept not everything in life is easy and are busy getting on with things, and other people have a more whiny hard done to outlook (again regardless of SAHP/WOHP) so they feel the need to moan about everything and act like they're the first people on earth to have a child.

You know the types in the workplace: despite other people having similar workloads, there's always some people who are always huffing and puffing, have a huge to do list, prattle on about how they wish they could have a cup of coffee but they can't because they have to go and collect their printing, send 5 emails, make a call (insert list here of every tiny thing in the day that most other people in the office are getting on with without making a fuss).

The parenting version is similar. Whilst most parents have ups and downs, easy days and hard days, some people have to huff and puff because they woke up, made breakfast for the kids, had to put the dishes in the dishwasher, sit at playgroup saying they've absolutely no idea how anyone manages to have a drink or a wee during the day because they're so exhausted and they'll have to think about lunch soon, come on Mumsnet saying they have no time to do anything because they're so busy being parent of the century.

I think some people just have a woe is me mindset.