Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

Absolutely, totally agree. The only time in our lives we have had a cleaner was when our 2 children were preschool. This was years ago and I was a SAHP but we still couldn’t get all the domestic stuff done. My husband did the supermarket shop on Friday evenings. Our children ( 1 more than the other) were very demanding.
Yes I went out to see other parents and kids but this was important for our children too as nursery wasn’t a thing until they were nearly 3.
We have always managed without a cleaner since.

A bit of both really. My DH works super long hours, so I don’t want him to do much housework, as it just wouldn’t be fair. However, if you were working 6am - 8pm plus several hours at night, and he was working 9am - 5pm, then obviously there needs to be a balance

I'm not going to comment on the dog bit because I have no experience but I'll tell you how it usually goes when I try to hang washing out.

Toddler: spends 5 minutes arguing about coming outside. Then once you've decided to do it without them they scream they want to come and throw a tantrum. So you start helping them put their shoes on which they then spend 10 minutes arguing they can do it themselves. Eventually you cajole them outside where they find a puddle/birdbath/plant pot and empty it on themselves. They are now muddy and wet and decide that's the moment they're going to help with the washing. So now they are cold and wet and your clean washing is muddy. You then spend another 10 minutes persuading them to come inside and now you have to clean and change them.
Or you leave them inside and while you're gone they drag the baby across the floor, wee on the sofa or find a tissue box that they empty every tissue individually out of. Or worse and they actually injure the baby.

Baby: screams the entire time regardless of where you put them because they're no longer being held. Or you have them in the sling and they spend the whole time trying to grab/look at what you're doing and you try desperately not to tip them out as your thighs aren't built for this much squatting to the basket with an extra weight strapped to you.

The best days are when you've done all this and then it rains on your washing.

Some days you take the easy option and just don't hang the washing up until they're in bed. Your husband tells you you should have done that already and asks what have you been doing all day. Then you have a bit of a moan online and people give helpful 'tips' that wouldn't help at all and you feel even more crap about yourself.

Some days you take the easy option and just don't hang the washing up until they're in bed. Your husband tells you you should have done that already and asks what have you been doing all day. Then you have a bit of a moan online and people give helpful 'tips' that wouldn't help at all and you feel even more crap about yourself.

You sound resolved to it being difficult. I'm sure when people offer advice it comes from a place of kindness and empathy. I was actually going to write what helped me during that stage of child/babyhood, but I don't think it will be taken well, and you haven't asked. I hope things are easier for you now.

@Wrongsideofpennines I’m picturing how a peekaboo game with my eldest would have gone. Peeka— oh, shit where’s she gone? ::begins running inside as sirens start to wail, flames fill the air and with an ominous rumble, the house caves in. From the wreckage, toddler emerges head to toe in lipstick, a chunk scissored from their hair:: “Mummy I helped” they declare, as in the playpen the baby’s eyes snap open, obsidian black, fangs shoot out, and the “millllllllkkkkk” scream begins. A seagull swoops down and shits on the abandoned washing.

Not every day is like this of course, but I felt that poster was particularly harsh suggesting that I am too stupid to hold down a job if I can't work out how to just 'take them outside with you'. I thought perhaps in a community full of women there might be more support and less criticism.

@spitefulandbadgrammar That is pretty much how my week has gone this week!

@Wrongsideofpennines I get it.
It's not the same situation at all, but I found advice like "don't you have family you can ask?" when I was in a childcare conundrum was really unhelpful. As if I was going to say "well bugger me, I clean forgot my Mother lives a few door away".

People want to help, but sometimes we just want to get stuff off our chests and have a good old moan.

🙄

Not sure how peekaboo would work whilst hanging out the washing if you live on the top floor of a block of flats and you are hanging out the washing in the communal garden. Not too sure I would be happy to leave a baby on their own up there either.

Not everyone has easy toddlers/babies and convenient living conditions.

@Cornflakes44 Couldn’t agree more. This thread has genuinely depressed me too I thought we were so much farther ahead in the equality stakes, but apparently not. But hey, at least its provided an answer as to why so many talented women can’t return to their full careers after maternity leave; they are too busy making sure they meet our godly expectations of what a SAHM looks like whilst ensuring our husbands never work above a sacred 40 hour week 🙄 Thank god for my DH Ive never appreciated him more.

What age? My favourite ages are between 1 and 3.

What job? I can't think of one that's better or more fun than toddlers.

But that's clearly just me.

Whether you think childcare is hard or not depends on so many factors. It's impossible to generalise.

It depends on the number of children and their ages. The temperament and behaviour of the children (and any additional needs). Your own skill set and personality. And the types of work that you're comparing it to.

For me, looking after dd was always way easier than being in work. I only had one dc, she had a very easy temperament and my own skill set was relatively suited to parenting. I love my work, but it is so much more taxing than looking after a small child - intellectually, socially and emotionally much harder work. However, I appreciate that people and jobs are all built differently, so what seemed very easy to me might seem enormously difficult to someone else for all sorts of reasons.

This is such an ask now because being at home with small children is fun. Going to work is not fun

Rofl! I didn’t find being at home with twins (with SEN) under 5, and taking older DC to and from school, with them in a double buggy, fun at all! I didn’t get a hot meal or drink at all in the first two years!

Where’s the fun in being woken up all night for breastfeeding and teething for years; or potty training with twice as many accidents all over the carpets, the terrible twos x two, the terrible fours x two…..Twins are much more capable of getting into trouble, because they co-operate. I remember DD1 used to snatch DD2’s toy and run round the house with it, laughing. DD2 was scarlet with rage and pushed DD1 down the stairs! Multiple appointments with health care professionals (HCPs) over DD1; then delivering speech therapy, occupational therapy and physiotherapy as instructed by the HCPs!

Going to work was so much more fun! DH got to (bearing in mind, he enjoyed working in Central London)

1. sit and read the paper on the train for 45 minutes
2. possibly attend a breakfast meeting, with a lovely breakfast
3. have a cup of coffee in peace
4. talk to one person at a time, without them and two other people screaming in his ear, and possibly projecting bodily fluids over him at the same time
5. have a business lunch in a smart restaurant or enjoy a nice lunch in the boardroom with clients, cooked by external caterers
6. go for a drink after work with colleagues, if he felt like it
7. go to an evening reception with nice canapés and unlimited drinks, doing corporate networking three or four times a week
8. sit and do the crosswords for 45 minutes on the way home
9. be his own boss, delegating whatever work he felt like to his staff
10. six figures earnings, with a raft of benefits and maximum pension contributions
11. enjoy uninterrupted sleep

If DH ever looked after the DC on a Saturday on his own, like I was out buying the twins’ birthday presents, then that was all he did. No cooking, housework or laundry. Lunch was at McDonalds and a takeaway pizza for dinner!

Great if that works for you and you are happy. Op would rather spend time with her baby (which is after all the reason for maternity leave) and see her friends than do all of that. That’s also fine and a perfectly valid choice.

But don’t despair, your words have actually made an impact. I’ve shown this to dh and told him that he needs to follow your example. I’m sick of him leaving all the jobs for us to share when I get home. I expect he’s making a point about equality. That or he doesn’t actually like me and value our time together.

I was a SAHM. My husband left the house at around 8am, got home at after 7 and usually brought work home as well. All the physical running of the home was up to me. He did all the paperwork for it - banking etc. We both worked hard but in different areas - we acted as a team. He played bridge or chess to relax two evenings a week and I 'relaxed' with friends while our kids played or took courses etc to keep my brain ticking over. I'm not saying this would or could work for everyone but it worked for us. There was no point scoring as to whose role was hardest or most worthwhile. I could have gone back to work if I needed to, but I (mostly) enjoyed life and was never bored. I was incredibly blessed to be able to choose. I'd advise never to point score over who does what. It wastes energy and accomplishes little....

YAB a bit U. I’m a SAHM to 15 month old twins. I do 90% of the household jobs. My partner will take bins out and wash some dishes most nights. He will also get up with the babies in the morning and do their bottles before work. I do all the washing, drying, cleaning, cooking, ironing and take care of the babies while he’s at work. However I couldn’t juggle them and a vet appointment so that should be something you figured out together.

eeeeekkkkk

get baxk fo work asap

I'd advise never to point score over who does what. It wastes energy and accomplishes little....

DS is in the same profession as us, but he’s not a partner as DH was at his age. He normally works 76 hours a week and 19 hours a day, when he’s really busy. DDIL works Fridays and every other weekend. DS looks after their two young children while DDIL is at work. DDIL cooks 4 nights a week, while he is at work, and he cooks the three nights she is at work. He says:

”I would far rather do 10 hours of auditing a day, then come home to spend a couple of hours with the children, than stay at home all day with the children. It is mind numbingly boring to spend 2 hours on the floor with DGS, pushing a car around! Being a SAHP is the most under appreciated job in the world!”

Is there anyone who actually likes/liked looking after their children?

@CurlewKate After reading this thread, I would say no.

There are some martyrs though.

@Quisquam did you really not have one single hot drink or meal in 2 years? What was your husband doing, I am sure he wasn't working 24/7.

Why do people tolerate this?

If you take on loads of extra house duties while on mat leave then he will get used to not doing them. Then, when you return to work, they will still be your jobs. Resist this. Mat leave is for looking after your baby not to be a full time maid.

Is there anyone who actually likes/liked looking after their children?

I'll put my hand up for this. When ours were younger I worked a full time job but on compressed hours, so had two days home with DCs and three days at the office on long hours. Frankly the days home looking after DCs were a piece of piss compared to the working days.

This is ridiculous-haven’t you heard of baby slings 🙄

I've said several times on this thread that I loved it. Some people seem to find it hard to believe, though. It was the best time of my life by light years.

It's amazing that single parents somehow manage all this on their own.