Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

[golf7]

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

You stay because you like this toxic bond. You want to help someone who doesn't want to be helped by you. Your self esteem is low and you have gotten so used to feeling like shit it's become an addition for you.
Like any addition go cold turkey. You cut him off and let someone else deal with him. Maybe one of the sex workers will take him in.
He's not your problem and you were not put on earth to baby this GROWN MAN

For gods sake what on earth do you get out of this, are you a professional victim?

WTF is wrong with me.

This is where you need to put your effort in. Go to counselling yourself because your only problem is you. You are choosing this , over and over again knowing full well all the details. No one can help you here until you do the work to find out why you accept this?

Been another day by myself. My children were out with friends / doing their own activities. Friends I reached out to yesterday were busy had other stuff on. Not heard from anyone today. My family are spread all over the country. No one is near (closest family member is 300 miles away ) I watched a couple of episodes of MAFS but I would love to have someone to go out with tonight or watch the rugby with or have a drink with. I am lonely . There I have said it. Just feel very low I guess. I cleaned my bedroom hoovered dusted tidied. Same in my daughters. But I want company. I feel really isolated and down

You may care about him but he clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.

@golf7 its a good step that you can admit this because there’s ways forward for you.
You need to build up your confidence and self esteem and focus on yourself.
Your worth so much more you just need to realise this, I hope you can move forward and not let this guy reel you back in.

In time, once you have broken free from this dis-eased toxic male, and worked on your own integrity and spiritual growth, you will attract the right people into your life like a magnet.

I live alone and I'm not young anymore and I may well have trashed my whole life in many aspects, making poor decisions and choices and living in the consequences of those. Sometimes it's seriously effing painful and sometimes I don't cope as best I could and lose hope -but- you or I can't go grabbing on to any old piece of trash just to stop yourself feeling lonesome.

What you do, is work on keeping busy and distracted whilst 'in withdrawal' from the poison, figure out how to enjoy alone time so that you really really do genuinely enjoy it, and think about how to meet some new healthy people or invite pals around to hang out or get to know your neighbours or join some groups or find an evening class or a reading group or literally whatever it takes.

Also, please consider 'instant gratification'. The situation you're in doesn't come with a quick fix. You can remove the trash or let it take itself out even -but- making changes to attitude and behaviour is a long haul job and sometimes it takes months / years to get a better social life or meet a new partner. It's not a revolving door - one in, one out - it's a matter of getting to know yourself really really well and then making the effort to meet new people. One of whom will eventually be a good fit for you and you can make a nice relationship. It will happen if you put your ducks in a row.

OP getting to the other side of lonely is the way forward though.

Let yourself feel the loneliness, you need to get comfortable in your own company to a point where being on your own is great.

This is how you make sure you never compromise your boundaries again for a shitbag of a bloke.

I've been there and honestly being happy in your own skin is the best gift you can give yourself.