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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

158 replies

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

OP posts:

Tranquilaroma · 17/10/2023 22:44

I dont want to read and run and right nlw don't have much to offer in advice

But I am so sorry OP. This sounds like an utterly heartbreaking situation and I hear you when you say you are sad at being on your own. Sending love

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:44

Sorry forgot to add. The counselling he suggested. When i asked if he had looked it up and arranged it he said he had been busy and would have a look. Then he said he was worried about money (he has good amount of savings so thats an excuse ) and i told him so. He handed me his phone and asked me to look and contact some. Like an idiot i did it for him and he started his own sessions. After 2 sessions he said hes not sure talking about his mum and stuff is even going to help and he will have a few more and then see where he is. So feels to me like more excuses. Hes got his 4th one next week

OP posts:

ShinyBandana · 17/10/2023 22:44

I don’t understand.

What do you get out of this relationship. Why. Would you be with him when you could be without him

TheSpruce · 17/10/2023 22:45

There is a lot of focus on what he's doing and frankly, who gives a shit. He sounds like he's got some serious issues to work through - leave him to it.

What you need to do is get yourself some help and counseling to understand why you've been wasting your time on this dead end. And work on moving on with your life for good.

19847499fddqqedxx · 17/10/2023 22:46

Run a fucking a mile, life’s too short for this shit.
You deserve better, he keeps coming and treating you this way because you’re allowing it.

tell him no, stay away, your not interested.

Stop wasting your precious time with counselling for him, apps or whatever.
nothing stopping him buying a second phone is there?
Get counselling for yourself and stay away from him.

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 22:46

What on earth are you doing with your life OP??

Chuck the dickhead out of your home for the final time and move on!

jeaux90 · 17/10/2023 22:47

OP he's absolute arsehole and you know it but it's irrelevant to you because if it was you'd have split up years ago.

Can I suggest you go for counselling I think it will help with your confidence, concerns and most importantly your boundaries. You clearly need some help pulling the trigger on the relationship.

He sees you as his support human and you are so much more than that.

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 22:47

is he really rich and generous or something?

You must surely be getting something out of all this

Wolfiefan · 17/10/2023 22:48

Why on Earth haven’t you dumped him yet? Sod his counselling and his needs! You deserve so much better than this cheating piece of crap.

MasterBeth · 17/10/2023 22:48

. and on and on it goes.

I don't know you but you are worth more than this.

Everyone is worth more than this.

Wonkasworld · 17/10/2023 22:49

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 22:46

What on earth are you doing with your life OP??

Chuck the dickhead out of your home for the final time and move on!

This.

DaughterNo2 · 17/10/2023 22:49

Why are you still with them?

trythisforsize · 17/10/2023 22:50

The only thing that will help you feel better about this cheating piece of tut is to tell him to fuck right off and block him.

You'll feel better instantaneously.

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:50

Yeah totally right he could get a second phone. Hes away this weekend with friends somewhere I know hes used brothels and theres every chance he may know the location of one or more and not even need to look. He could meet a girl in a club. He could have numbers written down or hidden. I am not silly and I KNOW all of this. I suppose I just hope he wont. I really am not some silly meek mousy woman. I am well educated sensible.

Why am i still with him. I do love him and he does have a good side too (even some of the wrost people have a good or nice side) I suppose I want to believe he loves me enough to stop this behaviour and get better. Scared of being alone as I admitted. Scared of rejection and being abandoned. Of not feeling good enough which is how all this is making me feel. Like i am lacking.

OP posts:

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:50

I feel so ugly and worthless because of what hes done

OP posts:

Lavenderosa · 17/10/2023 22:50

Why do you think all you deserve in life is a cheating partner who uses prostitutes and porn. You must know you're worth far more than that and if you don't, focus on arranging your own personal counselling while ending this 'relationship' for good.

FairyMaclary · 17/10/2023 22:50

No kids, no marriage - run for the hills.
He isn’t fit for a relationship, he shouldn’t be messing up peoples lives. He is too selfish to see that and too wrapped up in his ‘wants’.

As for blame- it’s all down to him. I can’t make anyone cheat just as you’ll never make him
faithful. It comes from within and he has a black hole he cannot fill.

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:53

No hes not rich or generous. Not everyone is with someone for what they can get from them or an ulterior motive. I am not with him for his money. I do genuinely care about the man.

He has said its not my job to fix him or babysit him. That its not fair one me and he should probably get out of my life as it will be better for me.

I feel very sad without him when hes gone and I miss him

OP posts:

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:55

I start to imagine him being happy without me , living a fulfilled happy life. Having a wife and family and stopping all this and it breaks my heart. Why cant he stop for me. Why am I not enough and why is losing me not enough to make him stop

OP posts:

neverwantedthis22 · 17/10/2023 22:55

Sounds like my stbx. I wasted 20 yrs with him. Run a mile. You're not married, no kids or mortgage together. Thank your lucky stars. They don't change. The sex addiction thing is an excuse. They are just entitled lying narcs.

BuddhaAtSea · 17/10/2023 22:56

The thing is, he’ll never stop. Or if he stops with porn, he’ll latch onto something else. Anyway, that’s his problem, not yours.
You need to understand that you’re being used and treated like shit. Not loved. And that what you like about him is your reflection. He himself is a sleaze bag, the nice things you see in him are your own projections.

WooWooWinnie · 17/10/2023 22:56

Why is being alone worse than this relationship that is eroding all your confidence? He’s making you feel low, anxious and not good enough all the time. It’s him that’s not good enough for you! Take back control of the situation, throw him out for the final time, and invest in some counselling for yourself to increase your self-worth because he sounds awful, and if he wanted to change, he would have.

ilikeeggs · 17/10/2023 22:56

I’m sorry but he’s never going to change. Don’t keep wasting your life on this man, I know it’s hard but you need to end things and then perhaps some counselling to work out why you’re letting yourself be treated so badly. You deserve so much better, don’t put up with it.

Original poster

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:56

Hes someone who lacks alot of confidence and appears to need validation from being wanted through these encounters. hes not a brash confident narc at all

OP posts:

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 22:56

You have chosen him as your self harm drug of choice. Could have fucked your life up with heroin but this is doing the same job.

How did things end up this way for you?

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