Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

[golf7]

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

@golf7 a guy like this is incapable of having a wife and family.
Please leave him he isn’t for you sometimes in the life we love people that are bad for us, doesn’t mean we should stay with them.

You don't have any confidence because of what he has done to you. I really don't think you will ever regain that confidence while you are with him. You need your own counselling to find out why you have put up with this from him, and why you feel it is better than being alone

Then while he’s away change the locks, pack his stuff up, tell him it will all be outside when he gets back and block him. Fgs, he’s not ever going to make you feel better about yourself is he? But a bit of peace and your friends and family might.

I think you need to leave him. I know it’ll be hard but I think what you have described isn’t fair on you.

My other post said well done for not having kids with him or bringing kids into this toxic mess. I see from your update that you do in fact have children, just not with him. So I take some of that back. you do have kids in this mess sadly as I assume you have custody of them?

So now I’ll say stop being a martyr and think about the terrible example you’re setting for your children. Do they like/ get along with him? If they do he’s being a horrible role model and if they don’t well that’s another issue in itself. And no doubt they’ll have witnessed them negative effect he’s had on you . al this pondering about a toxic grown man when you should be focused on your kids.

You’re supposed to set the bar really high for who you allow to be around your children. This is shockingly low.

This. You have no ties to him, no kids.

He's shown over and over again who he is and is making you feel like shit. Why would you want to stick with that?

If you were my friend I'd be giving you a big hug and a good shake and suggesting you get out now.

Imagine how amazing your life could be without him.

I’m sure he can be a husband and a stepfather. Any man can. It isn’t necessarily an achievement to hold those titles and all sorts do.

But everything about him tells us he would be a completely awful one.

What IS an achievement is to be a good husband and a good father or stepfather.

Fucking hell. Run woman, RUN.

I don’t understand why you’re doing all this counselling and stuff . He’s a waste of space, he won’t change, he’s destroying your confidence. Dump him and stop wasting your life.

This relationship will destroy any remaining self-esteem you may have.
The prostitution thing is particularly awful. What kind of man has sex with a woman who doesnt desire him? He's masturbating into a human.
You are worth more than this. The person who needs counselling is you.

He is right, you deserve better. This is him being the stopped clock. That's the only right thing about him.

What about your children in all this??

Haven't read all the thread but OP...please just kick him out and get him out of your life for good. This is not by any means a happy healthy loving relationship and you deserve so much more.
Life is too short to be with someone who makes you so unhappy and repeatedly does the same thing to hurt you.
Get rid! I can promise you your confidence will grow without him there ripping it to shreds

Poor, poor kids.

He has zero incentive to change his ways because you’ve shown him that you’ll take him back and tolerate absolutely anything, he can do whatever he wants and you’ll accept it. There are no consequences.

Nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You have a trauma bond with him. Look it up. It’s hard to break from so be kind to yourself. I wish I knew how to break from a trauma bond, but as you have no kids and no ties, the best thing you could do is kick him out and go no contact. Nothing. Hard but it’s what you need to do.

edit.. sorry just seen you do have kids. Are they kids with him?? If not, my advice still stands.

People tend to get sad when a relationship ends, even if it wasn't good. It's a change from what we're used to, and sometimes the familiar feels safe, even while it hurts us at the same time.

You have a choice. Free yourself from him and open up to either meeting someone wonderful, or enjoying some time on your own to focus on you.

Or... let this 'relationship' drag on when you know he is never going to change and will only continue to make you miserable.

It is so hard making that decision to actually leave. It can feel really scary.

But I urge you- do not waste your life on this man. And do not let him be an example to your kids of what men are like.

You're fighting for something that's already dead in the water.

I hate to say it OP, but he doesn't want a life with you. He'll never give you the relationship you want.

You know that. It's on YOU have you continue now. You need to take some responsibility here, why are you pursuing someone who clearly isn't interested in the way he should be.

You're worth more but it will only get better if you leave for good and find someone who truly loves you.

You are worth so much more than this. Run, don't walk.

There's not much that shocks me at my age, but you truly have done with your post.
How can you for one day, one minute , one second more put up with this crap.
He's got it all hasn't he, doing exactly what he wants, treating you appallingly, saying it's an addiction.And you fall for it time and time again.
I would have been out of it the first time he cheated.
I am so sorry for you but at the same time want to shake you.
Please please throw this lowlife away for good. Show your kids a good example.
How can you bear for him to be around them.
Sorry I know I sound harsh.You should be with someone who values you and loves you.
What would you tell a friend to do if she told you this story ?

hes not a brash confident narc at all

Apart from the fact that even when narcissists are brash and confident, it's a cover for a horrible damaged emptiness within, narcissism isn't defined by confidence. It's defined by selfishness.

Narcissists are people who - whether brash and confident or whiny and martyr-like or sulky and resentful - are simply immensely selfish. They do and say whatever they want to do or feel they need to do in the moment without considering how their words or actions will affect others.

Nothing and nobody is ever enough for them. The hole inside them is bottomless.

It's nothing to do with you. He's drowning in his own inner emptiness. Don't let him drag you into that hole with him.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but one day, months from now, when you're out of this relationship and working on your self esteem, you'll look back at this time and think: what the FUCK was I doing?

You must be starting to have glimmers of this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

You need to think about all the ways your life could and will be better without this man in it. Yes, you'll be single - and won't that be fantastic?

Why do you think that this relationship is all you deserve?

Raise your bloody standards and grow a back bone woman!

OP, what on earth is the problem with being alone? You will be so much happier.

You're sad when he's there. FGS, op, want better for yourself than this.