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Original poster

Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

158 replies

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 18/10/2023 10:07

Do you have daughters? How would you feel if a man were to treat them the way this piece of shit is treating you?

I am aghast that someone can be so passive and so permissive. You are setting a terrible example to your DC.

You will continue to have your confidence and self esteem eroded by this man. Unless you get rid of him.

Syrupyslop · 18/10/2023 10:15

Look, I once clung onto a shit relationship, with someone who made me feel like crap and constantly craving signs of his caring and commitment. When we broke up I went through an initial stage of devastating loss, but after that, oh my God, I felt like me again! I had completely lost myself when I was with him. Without him, all that stress, strain, feeling crap about myself. All of it just went! I just felt whole, like myself again.

You are so young. You have nothing to tie you to this man. Leave. It’ll hurt at first, and then you’ll be you again. And you’ll be so glad to have yourself back.

EnoughNow2023 · 18/10/2023 10:15

You deserve better

He has an addiction and you will never come above that

This doesn't say anything about you but everything about where he is which is not ready to change

He is and will continue to use you as long as you keep facilitating him

Right now you need to focus on building your self worth and resilience so that you are able to walk away.

You say you worry about him settling down and having a family with someone else. This is highly unlikely as he probably won't ever put the needs of someone else before his own wants.

Just think about what you want. Do you want to be on here is 5-10 years realising you gave up all your hopes and dreams of a future for this man???

I honestly wish you all the best. Please do what you have done for him and contact a counsellor so you can have someone outside the situation to help you think through this.

meatyryvita · 18/10/2023 10:17

you have to ask yourself if the sad you would be to be by yourself, is less sad than you are now.

Comtesse · 18/10/2023 10:21

Throw him out!!
how much more crap can you force yourself to take?

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 10:42

Fully cut him off. Block him. You don't need to hate him - just leave him to sort his own issues.

He does see you as his mother. Wanting you to control his phone use being a sign.

Get into counselling yourself. Meet someone healthy when ready.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 18/10/2023 12:00

Absolutely everything in your post centres around him and his sexual needs. This is just toxic. You aren’t happy together! Re-read your post and ask yourself if he does the most important thing that a partner should do - make you feel happy and loved. No. He does not. He’s a liar, a cheat, an addict, a blamer and he doesn’t give a fuck about stopping any of it.

Every day you spend with this loser is a day lost. You can’t even make yourself available to find someone better as you’re stuck trying to fix someone who just needs to be left to crack on with his grubby little habits.

Sauvblanctime · 18/10/2023 12:07

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

Op.

been there. Married him. We had kids.

I was also ‘sad at the thought of losing him’ even though he was constantly cheating

ended up with complex ptsd. Trauma therapy. Still struggling 2.5 years after I ended it

he had a girlfriend within a week of me telling him it was over 🤷🏻‍♀️

get out now. You can do SO much better queen!!

GG1986 · 18/10/2023 12:09

Walk away and don't look back. My ex cheated many times, never admitted it but it was obvious and saw stuff on his phone, found condoms etc. He ruined my confidence and mental health. There was no way I could stay with him and ever be happy. I don't regret leaving him and I'm so glad I did. You aren't married and don't have children so very easy to make a run for it! Good luck.

FooFighter99 · 18/10/2023 12:16

Get. Rid. NOW!

newnamethanks · 18/10/2023 12:16

Counselling will do him no good, it's just to placate you. Men like this are enjoying what they do. They don't want to change. Stop blaming yourself, he'd behave like this no matter who he was paired up with. You need to be in counselling yourself and you need to either ditch him or accept you want to be treated like this by him, or other men like him, for the rest of your life.

WaltzingWaters · 18/10/2023 12:20

Sorry, not read the whole lot, but struggling to see why on earth you’d stay with this man a second longer. And please oh please do not marry him or have children with him.
Run a mile. Now. Get some counselling yourself so that you can realise that you deserve far far better than this.

Brocollimatilda · 18/10/2023 12:22

Leave. You have one life.

JamSandle · 18/10/2023 12:25

I think you'll feel better once he's out of the picture.

FairyMaclary · 18/10/2023 12:35

Get counselling for yourself to understand why you don’t want to leave him.

LookingForPurpose · 18/10/2023 12:38

You sound so very annoyingly passive. Like a middle aged woman suffering a fit of nerves and wilting permanently on a chaise lounge in a Jane Austen novel, complaining about how awful her life is. Yes he's treated you terribly but you are ALLOWING this. Good news is you aren't in a novel. You can write your own story and drop this absolute loser and get some counselling to help scrape your self esteem off the floor into a bucket.

He doesn't love you
He doesn't respect you
You don't even seem to respect yourself

Please, you deserve so much more. Get rid of him and get a therapist to help you

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 18/10/2023 12:50

OP, his behavior, good or bad, is a reflection on him and not on you.
So if he’s sleeping with prostitutes, it shows he’s a misogynist arsehole who thinks it’s ok to buy sex. It doesn’t tell us anything about you at all.
If he one day gets his shit together and starts seeing women as real people, it won’t be because of you either.
It’s not a case of you not being good enough for him to change. It’s a case of him not being a well behaved respectful human being.
Dump him and leave him dumped. He isn’t bringing anything to your life beyond false hope your worthiness will save him somehow.
You are only responsible for your own behavior and for trying to help your children learn good behavior. You are never responsible for a partner’s behavior. That’s on them. Always.
Next time you date, only accept men who can stand on their own two feet and behave respectfully without your input, who also like you, want to spend time with you, and are attracted to you.

rumred · 18/10/2023 12:50

He's not a sex addict with low self esteem, he's an egotistical, misogynist arsehole. Life would be so much better for you if you got rid and worked on yourself

HowToSaveAWife · 18/10/2023 12:53

Gently op, but what the fuck are you doing? Wasting time with this egotistical loser.

If you can't do it then you get your most practical female friend, tell her everything you've said here and get her to block him on all your devices, bag up his shit and throw it out and change your locks. Your P needs to be kept away from porn and sex workers - you need to be kept away from him. You're literally wasting your life away to someone who places sex workers above you. Get some self respect. You're wasting all your energy on that arsehole.

CallieQ · 18/10/2023 13:31

L T B

Jewelspun · 18/10/2023 14:16

Why do you think you are so worthless as to stay with someone like him?

You're not. You are worth so much more.

You are at a time in your life in your mid thirties where you still have youth on your side and yet you choose to live in misery.

I can tell you from experience that 40, 45, 50 comes along very quickly.

Please find the strength within you to set yourself free and you will find love with someone who lives, cherishes and respects you.

I bet every morning you wake up feeling unhappy and miserable. It doesn't have to be like that if only you will relinquish your feelings for this man and learn to live yourself and understand you are deserving of a much better life.

BunnyBerries · 18/10/2023 19:18

You only have one life and every second counts.

Stop talking only about him, you're making him your life and your life about him. Every paragraph you've written, has started about him.

Write a paragraph only about yourself. You'll see what you need to do.

MardyMcBlowdry · 18/10/2023 19:31

and on and on it goes
This really stood out to me. The only person letting it go on and on is you. End it with him and spend some time building up your self-esteem and boundaries. Single life is blissful compared to this shitshow of a relationship. I don't know you, but I can tell that you're worth a million times more than this excuse for a man.

RedSledgeEater · 18/10/2023 19:53

Just dump him. You have nothing to lose. He isn't worth it. You're young and you'll find someone a million times better.

I was in a similar situation to you and it took me a while to get rid. 10 years later and I wish I did it sooner - I never thought I would find love again, but I did and I'm so much happier.

Dump him now and don't look back.

MargotBamborough · 18/10/2023 20:01

Just echoing what everyone else has said.

Leave him. He will never, ever change.

You aren't married, you don't have children together. You already have children so you're not hanging around hoping he will change because you think he's your only chance to have them. He's making you feel miserable and worthless and he's putting your sexual health at risk.

You will be so much happier without him, you just need to find the courage to end it.