Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

[golf7]

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

Please leave him. He doesn't deserve you. If I knew someone in your position I would happily pack the bastards things. He will never ever change they never do. Wake up and realise what he is doing to you.

I'm so sorry you're in this horrific 'relationship'.

I need to tell you something straight up, this is not your partner, this is not a romance. He's a loser, it's abusive, it's dysfunctional. You already know that but you want to drag us into the finer detail of his miserable sordid life. Why? It's time to look at yourself in order to solve this problem.

It's so dysfunctional and you're engaging in a situation with someone who is not ever OK to be around. Please, you need to de-focus your attention off him and all the millions of things he's doing wrong (which no doubt are disgusting and he really is doing them) and focus back onto yourself and ask why are you spending your time, effort, resources, attention, and any minutes of your life concentrating on this guy? You've lost perspective.

Get professional help urgently for your issues. It is always better to be alone than be with someone like this, so why aren't you single?

Are you struggling with some form of addiction or codependency or a vulnerability that is making you unable to take action? Are you relying on him for housing or money? If so, make a plan to break free.

Have you heard of youtubers like 'Lisa A Romano'? She's great for this sort of stuff.

Thanks for everyone whos replied to me. all of you are of course right and are saying what i would say to a friend or my daughter if she was telling me this story.

I dont have any disabilities, housing or financial issues or nuerodiversity / learning difficulties or addictions keeping me tied to him. the house i live in is mine in my name. I work full time. long hours in a mentally demanding job . Ironically I probably choose the career I did as I am a helper / rescuer of people. always want to see the best in people even when there is none . I dont cut people off as I fear them leaving me and not coming back. issues which stem back to childhood. I am very aware of what my issues are their origins. I am co dependant. Counselling for myself is really the way I need to go. I am on a night shift again so I am going to look at what I can find in my area and get the ball rolling. I wont be telling him about it.

Someone upthread asked me to write a paragraph about ME! What i am like. And to be honest i read that and thought I dont know what to say. Then i realised I have said plenty about him. I could tell you loads about him. Why cant i give myself the same love and attention.

So me
Mid 30s
I like reading . Love a good series or documentary
MAFS is my guilty pleasure trash tv
I hate the cold, love being cosy with soft lights candles and cosy pyjamas under a blanket. Think warmth comfort and feeling secure .
Christmas is my favourite time of year but I find the dark long nights sad in a way I cant properly describe
I fear being alone unloved or unwanted . I dont like being on my own and if i had a free evening to myself I would struggle to know what to do with it
I feel sad alot and dont really know why (this pre dates even meeting current partner so its not ALL him)
I like to be clever to have achieved. I worked hard at school and college and take alot of pride from that
I love soul music and play my songs too loud in the car
I have a sweet tooth, long legs and a very sarcastic sense of humour
I love my children and want them to be proud of me and what I achieved in life and what I overcame . I hope one day they will look back at me and remember me with love

Thats enough for now i think

Leave him op. It sounds like he’s not capable of change and frankly it’s emotional abuse the way he’s treating you. This for me is beyond counselling. You deserve better.. you clearly can’t see that but he is an absolute drain on your life and self esteem. X

Op. Your children won't respect a total doormat. And they'll know exactly what's going on.

I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years and I also struggled to take the last step,out of it, but one day , stood in tears in the kitchen, after yet more gaslighting and arguing and misunderstanding, and I just thought "if I left now, how much worse could my life be ?" And the answer was I'd get peace . I knew I'd live in peace - no more head fuck . And I did it that day .

Appreciate how hard it is I really do , but you will never be happy because what you are projecting that you want is NEVER going to manifest. He won't be the person you want him to become , he can't be that person .

Pick your self esteem up and get rid, you have the house you don't even have to move - I left with my dog and a case of clothes . This is easy . It's one step . And trust me , being alone is heaven compared to this emotional roller coaster. Try it .

@golf7 I love what you've said about yourself. Hold onto that. And I'm glad you're going to get therapy. I think it will do you the world of good and help you to leave him.

Bollocks. He's a man who thinks with his dick. Take control of your life and leave him to his paid for gratification.

And get an std check and therapy.

@golf7 you sound lovely OP, obviously going forward with counselling is the next step keep going with that.
There’s someone out there that will love every single thing about you that you just wrote there. Move forward and don’t look back at this guy, you definitely deserve better.

Well done writing all this! You're amazing!

Can I recommend to you to address your codependency issues head on as that is the real solution.

Please check out:

The 12 Step Recovery programme 'Codependents Anonymous' (CODA) - they have literature, websites, zoom meetings, face to face meetings;

The Book 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie (an audio version of this can be found on youtube for free...);

Lisa A Romano youtube channel;

You can beat this if you're prepared to see your role in the problem and believe in yourself - that you learn new skills, can empower yourself to make some changes, and that you can learn to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings rather that use your substance of addiction which is this toxic male. It's an issue of life and death, save your soul, save your spirit, save your life. There is a healthy, light, clean, pure, joyful way to live and you have a right to it!

Also, if this absolute scum is living in your home rent free or low rent, please see that for what it is, and get him out. You may need support from Domestic Violence or women's organisations or the police or suchlike.

Does he actually live with you? What a horrible person to share your life with.

Also the freedom project ❤️

you can do this!

Reverse the roles - if it were you behaving the way he is, would he continue to fight for the relationship and take you back? I suspect now. It sounds like things have gone too far to ever have a healthy relationship again. Personally I think you need to walk away from this. Even if he does manage to change through therapy, how will you ever trust that he won't slip back into his old ways again. If it truly is an addiction, like he says, as with any addiction, there's no guarantee the addict won't relapse. Maybe one day you'll do something where he gets angry/upset with you and you will have so much resentment for how much you have forgiven him
for. I just don't see in any way how this can work going forwards.

*suspect not

Im going second individual therapy/counselling.

Look for someone who is well qualified and experienced. The best you can afford and I’m talking over £100/per hour.

I chose a chartered clinical psychologist and though I generally hate face to face, I found someone local I could see in person.

I so well remember my therapist asking me “what do you want?” and my reply would always be “well my husband thinks/says/does/wants ………….”

She would reply “I don’t want to know about him, what do you want?”

It took me a long time to stop factoring in excuses for him, or thinking if he said jump, I had to jump.

I really, really think you need the same kind of help.

Op the paragraph about you is great. You sound great. Work on you.

I do recommend the book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. Do the exercises (yes you will feel silly. But you love soul music and you can use that as one of the exercises. I have a couple of special songs now. One I now feel i melt into when I listen to it - it’s amazing (not soul).

Also you can’t cure him, he may think he’s living the life with cam girls and hookers and booze. He may think a family life is dull. Or too much effort. He may not want to change. His life is an acceptable choice - many men have this life BUT it’s not acceptable to lie and deceive you (or anyone). He is incapable of being honest with himself (never mind you).

If drinking and sending saddo messages to ladies who know he is a saddo is the life he wants you are not compatible. Let him sit in his basement, getting drunk, watching porn and living his life.

Work out why you won’t let him go and see this as a gift to find out who you are and what you want. You cannot ‘fix’ him as maybe he is happy with his choices but he’s too cowardly to admit it.

google the 'Madonna whore complex'.

OP you are throwing your life away with this pathetic nasty cheating loser.

I think your self esteem desperately needs building in counselling so that you stop allowing yourself to be treated this way.

I think you need support/ counselling etc as you need to work on yourself - you are worth more than this and you have to realise some people do not want ‘to be saved’ some people quite like their lifestyle and their choices!

Of course you are enough, you are enough for your family, friends and for the right man - please plan to leave this relationship, please get help for you so you can leave and can spend time on your own (I am sorry but staying with a complete twat because you fear being on your own needs to be challenged and support put in place). You also need to ensure your sexual health is checked and that you have things in place to ensure any sex is as safe as it possibly can be.

Overall please leave - you will not change him, only he will change him! Take care

To repeat earlier posters, some people don't want to be saved, so they can't be saved. He sounds like that type of person. You need to decide that you and your children are worth saving (from a miserable future and further emotional damage) and get this toxic influence out of your life. Save the counselling for you, to work on why you're struggling to let go of this man who is so unworthy of the effort.

There's no reason you have to be alone if you cut him loose, but even if you did spend the rest of your life without a romantic partner, that's better than being shackled to a man who doesn't respect you and makes you feel worse about yourself.

Old gimmer here. Oh my dear, you are worth so much more than this.

So tonight he's away . Today u did a course at work met my eldest for a long lunch then came home did some cleaning.

I messaged a few ppl I know trying to make arrangements to go out but everyone had their own plans. Felt a bit down at first but settled on a bath with a candle. Got into bed. No TV on. Just silence. And really sat with my thoughts.

I haven't messaged him asked what he's up to or anything. It's his weekend and I don't actually care that much. I sat with my thoughts. Hold on... there's me asking why I am not enough. What's wrong with me. I should be asking If he is good enough for me. The answer is no . No he's not . I am way out of his league intellectually , looks wise , lifestyle and morals wise. Why the fuck am I trying to sell myself to him. Convince him of my worth. He either gets it or he doesn't. He clearly doesn't!

@golf7 your doing good op, stick with this your right he’s not good enough

Proud of you x

Well done! Keep holding on to this stance.

Practice plenty of self-soothing things, distract yourself by any means necessary if you find your self obsessing about him.

Once you're fully committed to the concept of a serene and loving life, all the drama and toxicity will seem repulsive, as it should be.

If he can't see your worth then that's his problem. There'll be plenty of people who do. Remember that change takes time and it requires action.

You have the human right to exist peacefully and in a loving relaxed state at all times. I know this is going to sound a bit trite but sometimes having pets helps heal you when you need a bit of honest straightforwards love. Have you thought about getting a little dog or cat companion?